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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Good News
Its attracting a vast amount of flies of varied species for your new insect collection!
Bad News
It makes people mistake you for Beelzebub.
Good News
Which is just as well because you are about to launch a devilish plan ...
Bad News
Michael Howard has beaten you to it.
Good News
You won't have to lead the Tory party after all....
Bad News
...because you'll be busy leading Labour...
Good News
Which is a good reason to move to and live in Canada...
Bad News
Canada is uncomfortably near the USA.
Good News
You love the USA !!
Bad News
You have to say that, the US Army has just abducted you to Guantanamo Bay.
Good News
The beaches there are marvellous.
Bad News
You're not going to be spending any time on them, are you?
You were going on a diet anyway.
that was me with a "tab" issue.
Good News
You were going on a diet anyway.
Bad News
It's the Atkins diet.
Good News
As a cannibal, this is your own version of the Atkins Diet. Once a week, you look up "Atkins" in the phone book, and the rest is self-explanatory.
Bad News
This is illegal, and they've just caught you at it.
Good News
Private Eye call it the Fatkins Diet.
Bad News
The Fatkin Diet is a genetic/hereditary problem.
Good News
You can blame it on your parents.
Bad News
My parents are aliens (shnoorb ack ack ack wibble)and only visit once every 100 years.
Good News
At least they don't visit any more frequently.
Bad News
But the next visit is tomorrow, and your in-laws are meeting them for the first time.
The will probably abduct your in-laws and take them back to the planet Zog for experimentation.
Good News
The will probably abduct your in-laws and take them back to the planet Zog for experimentation. Bugger, done it again!
Bad News
They'll be back.
Good News
They are bringing presents for everyone this time!
Bad News
You will be expected to show gratitude for some useless trinket.
Good News
You have earings that are made of the kind of organic matter which you do not need gratification for.
Bad News
Earwigs prefer earrings over earings. Regardless, they are rather pedantic individuals and do have a problem with their 'earing.
Good News
You like squashing earwigs
Bad News
Guess what you'll be coming back as in the next life?
Good News
As a football supporter, finding true fulfilment by chanting Earwig-o, earwig-o, earwi....
Bad News
My football team steadfastly follows the maxim "And pigs might fly" when it comes to winning - still, being bolt on trotters, it's to be expected. Lovely, Rosie, that brought out a large chuckle. Fortunately the better half is out shopping. :)
Good News
I shall stick equally steadfastly to my self-imposed prohibition against mentioning anything to do with my football team, except to say, contrary to what a historian might assume, that it is not located in a small village in North Yorkshire.
Bad News
Tectonics is an art, nay, a discipline, which is somewhat shifty.
Good News
You switch to Teutonics and start a career in world domination.
Bad News
The Rest of the free world spoil your party (and it takes the Italians a while to realize they are on the wrong side!)
Good Noose
A few are hanging from lampposts.
Bad News
They're doing pullups.
Good News
This gives them sexy strong shoulders!
Bad News
They don't believe you when you say that you've redefined "Master Race" to mean "people with sexy strong shoulders".
Good News
One in ten men do. Though not for the same reason as the other nine.
Bad News
You need these men to help propagate the new elite.
Bad News
But you're not.
Good News
Tony Blair has survived the rducation vote. Err, something wrong here? Ed.
Bad News
Tony Blair has survived the (e)ducation(?) vote.
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