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Missive Trellis
help
Well, slap my jammy badger its a communal round robin. Finish off the last sentence and start the next in the manner of your choosing.
Dear all,
What a year its been! I'm
...bamboozled by the accolades I've been receiving. I never knew that...
my walnut and grasshopper chutney would prove so popular! I've been quite rushed off my feet keeping up with
developments in the organic preserves industry and my sponsorship deal with...
McDonalds, which oddly enough has led me to have frequent contact with...
-a charity worker with Help the Aged who unfortunately is of again next week to...
Addis Ababa, where, so I'm told, there are literally several...
...million llamas. Fortunately, they live in harmony with...
vegetarian lions whose antlers and carapace are used by the local....
computer manufacturer as 'naturalistic' components. These are then sold to...
..Welsh hill farmers who, unusually, install Linux and then place them inside their sheep pens so that...
they can't carry on crashing windows. Have you heard what happened to
the Queen last time she went horse racing at Ascot? Apparently, Prince Philip made
a bundle betting against the Queen's horses and they were back to sleeping in separate palaces for the rest of the month. But I am getting ahead of myself. In February we
start gun-running for the Mau Mau who are not as bad as
the Japanese Prime Minister would have you think! We are so proud of little Samantha who has just
finished an entire jar of walnut and grasshopper chutney by herself. However, I knew that
she would suffer the repercussions long into the night. That nice Mr. Wicker couldn't
stop banging on the partition wall until at least three AM! Fortunately, the other neighbours
are Satanists,and used her strange howlings to summon up Asmodeus, who made short work of Mr Wicker, the naughty fornicator! Unfortunately, now Samantha
...has taken an interest in their activities and is pestering us for a pet goat. We've decided to, instead, get her...
....a year's supply of drugs, hoping that it'll enable her to...
...believe that she has a pet goat, thereby giving me enough free time for...
... writing this journal. March heralded the disintigration of ...
sp/disintegration of ...
my sofa which I only bought in February, mainly with the proceeds from
...my homemade preserves, which incidentally were inspired by..
... the new Quentin Tarantino movie. The police have...
... since taken away samples for questioning. Later in the month, I agreed to ...
...undress for a charity calendar. The WI thought it was...
something to do with What Chutney? magazine and they all encouraged me to go. As it turned out ...
..the photographer was a Franciscan Monk who had just returned from a sebatical in Rome. He had never seen a ....
...pickle that size before and promptly fainted. He was resusscitated by...
...the charity worker from Help the Aged, who was in attendance because...
... rumour has it that chutney can be used as a substitute for coal. On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to....
...going carolling with the poor monk next Thursday. We're starting off our rounds by...
..singing outside the Dog and Duck, opposite the police station where that nice PC Plod will supply us with mince pies and mulled cocoa, and then we will...
...beat him senseless before scarpering. Later, we'll drop round to the vicarage for a...
...nice glass of our homemade walnut and grasshopper wine we gave Rev Shore last Christmas. Odd how...
...his head feels so leathery to the touch. I then intend to present some chutney to the Franciscan in the vicar's presence, who I trust will provide us with...
a copy of a Haynes manual for my 1975 Cortina, but failing that any...
...one who has a copy going spare can send me details of where to send a cheque. I need to replace...
...both the axles, as I had to remove them to fit to my device for making walnut and grasshopper chutney. I intend to...
...get chutney into that monk if it's the last thing I do! I think the reason for all this is, several months ago, I went to...
..Vanuatu. The weather was lovely, not at all like North Wales. I particularly liked the volcanos. We have something similar in Blaenau Ffestiniog, although it doesn't smoke..
my herring as well as the one in Vanuatu. If anyone wants to try my smoked herring and radish relish just...
...piss off. I always feel somewhat violated when...
I see someone open one of my relish jars and just stick their...
..stamps on the label and post it to..
me in North Wales. On a happier note, March brought with it...
a nice gift from someone called Ann Summers. Imagine my delight upon opening the package to find...
... the replacement axles for the clapped-out Cortina. So, fully re-axled and relax-ed [geddit?], we opted for a spring holiday motoring around ...
...the rainforests of Central America. Imagine my surprise when...
..the axles got infested with termites. We had to jack-up the car and remove the..
assylum seekers who had fixed themselves to the axles with...
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