Please welcome Bennettlookatthosesemiquaversinbarfifteeni'llhavetobuskit amd their son Gordon.

From Scandinavia, here are Mr & Mrs Tyfourpreludesandfugues and their son Sven.

I see just entering are Lord and Lady Musician, and their American-born son, the R. Hon. Jes.

Let's have a roll on the drums for Mr and Mrs Pani and their son Tim.

And while we are in the drumming mode please welcome the world renowned bagpipers Mr & Mrs Tom and their unimaginatively named son Tom

Please welcome, fresh from the Inferno, Dante and his ambulatory daughter Ann. (Plump) - How could you?

Please welcome Mr & Mrs Breen and their son Tam.

Pitching themselves into the fray its Mr. & Mrs. Bre and son Tim.

Prithee all be upstanding for Mr and Mrs Zaphone and their big brassy daughter Sue.

And just arriving I see Mr & Mrs Tosax and their lovely son Al.

Rather surprising that she hasn't arrived earlier, but will you nevertheless please welcome Mr & Mrs O'Lynn and their rather vintagely-monickered daughter Vi.

Oh my Gawd, it's that bloke with the twangy thing. Can't we Ban Joe?.

Please welcome Mr & Mrs Whistle and their daughter Penny

Please salute Mr & Mrs Mental-Band and their son Reggie

Who's the chap wearing the kilt? Ahh it must be Gordon the Highlander!!

Please stand for Mr & Mrs Thumb and their daughter Anne

And on that 'note', perhaps we should move on to a seasonal favourite...
The Christmas Ball
It was difficult task, but I'm please to tell you that our fixer, Ms Ivityplay, has managed to track down three wise men and a virgin. So a big thank you to our very own Nat Ivityplay.

Will you please welcome, from Ireland, Mr & Mrs O'Ration and their son Dec. Groan

And my very good friends, Douglas Fir and Scot Spine.

And what's this extremely grumpy-looking horned beast hybird that's escaped from the Old McDonald's GM Farm? It looks like a Boar-Bull to me.

Just arrived is the stuttering dutchman, a close relative of Colin, Tin-Tin Sell.

And after a long journey, here's Franklin Sentz with his good friend Merv.

Oh my Gawd, I suppose we'll have to let them in; they've got a ticket etc. etc. so try and raise a bit of enthusiasm for Mr and Mrs Singer and their daughter Carol.

Not to mention Pelham Grenville Duff and his friend Minerva aka 'Min' Spies.

And here are that much-loved couple, Mr & Mrs Whativealwayswanted. And behind them, it's Jess Whativealwayswanted.

Here are Mr and Mrs Ofninelessonsandcarols and their daughter Val, who's a bit of a character. So will you please welcome Feisty Val . . . .

Please welcome Mr & Mrs Allthemincepies and their greedy daughter Juliette

It wouldn't be the same without Mr and Mrs T'mas and their son Chris!

Oh no, not again! I suppose we'll all have to sit and watch while they do their turn, it's dull old Mr and Mrs
Bennethowmanytimesdotheythinktheycangetawaywithshowingallthoserepeatsonteevee
and their bore of a son, Gordon
Bennethowmanytimesdotheythinktheycangetawaywithshowingallthoserepeatsonteevee. aythengyew!

Prithee abase y'rselves before Mr & Mrs Shopsopentoday and their son Arthur.

Here come Mr & Mrs Nut and their beautiful daughter Hazel

followed by Mr Arron spelling and his friend Miss take (c above oops!)

Put your hands together for Mr and Mrs Allover and their unfestive daughter Gladys.

Here comes Ho Chi Minh, with his less well-known brother, Ho Gma Nay.

Please give a hearty cheer for the multi-national cast of 'The Twelve Days Of Christmas Pantomime' who have arrived hotfoot from their last night [accompanied by drumming drummers and piping pipers] ... so it's Hello to Leigh Pinglords, Lady Stancing, Maisie Milking, from Spain - Juan Zaswimming, from France - Guy Selaigne, from Israel - Golde Rings, not forgetting Colin Birds, Fran Chens, Curt Elldoves and last but not least, Pa Tridgeinapeartree.

A small Irish boy Tom O'lata is looking for his father. Could his dad, Chip O'lata come to the lost children's desk please.

Would you welcome please the Reverend and Mrs Inexcelsis and their daughter Gloria Inexcelsis, and find a seat at the table for Rose Potatoes & Gray Vee. After all this we may need the help of Al Cazelzter, because Ivor Stomachache will be joining us.

Indeed, we've all been eating far too much Christmas cake, chocolate cake, sponge cake, fruit cake and angel cake, now the stoma cake is setting in (not an original, but I couldn't resist...)

Ladies and gents, please welcome the Claus family and their son Sandy and the El Toe family, and their daughter whose name is not on the list, but she's insisted upon being suspended from the ceiling for festive reasons. Furthermore I do believe however that things are likely to become somewhat 'over-familiar' here at the ball if yesterday evening's soiré is an indication, as I spotted Mummy kissing Sandy Claus underneath this Miss El Toe last night. Oh, and there's a chap called Noel here as well, and his friend Si Lentnight and the Sanna family, with their daughter who is alleged to have solicited for sexual purposes, though it was never proven. Please welcome also Mr and Mrs SinRoyalDavidCity, and their son Juan, and this evening's cabaret singer Mr. Harold Angel. Oh, and since this is a multicultural and multi-religious affair, I'm sure you'll all be delighted to learn that Theo Israel has been joined at last by his long awaited guest Emmanuelle. Many of you may wish to rejoice, since you've long been expecting that.

LAST ORDERS AT THE BAR PLEASE !! Twelth Night as come and gorn ! Ain't you lot got stables to go to ?

New theme? Or something completely different?

And now for something...I've tried to think of some suggestions, but for now seem to be drawing a blank.

...completely different. All further arrivals must stay under the line. Mornington Crescent

Um, I said Mornington Crescent. Where's the Grim Reaper when you need him?

Over 'ere, mate. Time to give this one a decent burial. Anybody fancy a Geographer's Ball? Lots of weird-sounding specialist terms.

Well, I have no idea as to how long it might last but someone has to strata off.

It's a short ball. Will you please welcome Mr & Mrs Gitude, and their son Lon....

Please mix with the D'analands and their daughter, Gwen.

Just before I head for the punch, please welcome the Boles together with their daughter, Dusty.

Ooops! I'm becoming somewhat dry now - the Neenyo's and their daughter Elle have just arrived.

Urrgh. BAN 's

Oooh look, here's Audrey, and she's going to give us a talk about the research she has been doing with the help of the SUN newspaper, plotting the locations of all paedophiles in the surrounding area, and asking them all questions. Lets have a look at Audrey's Nonce Survey Map (****Coat please!****)

Please welcome the Clines in the form of Cindy ('Cin')and her aunty.

this poor neglected game. No guests to speak of at his party. poor wee soul.

I know. but I'm rubbish at puns.

Will you please welcome Mr & Mrs Tarktick and their daughter Anne

Will you also welcome from warmer climes Mr & Mrs Reef and their daughter Coral

It's Mr and Mrs Astrench, and their deep daughter, Marianne

This game is screaming in agony. I am sorry, but these geographers have just got to go. I blame it all on the Pines and their son Al Pine. Now please be upstanding for the nect round of guests , ably fronted by the De Leer family from Ireland, as their son Sean de Leer welcomes all and sundry to the "Household Items ball".

This looks more promising - the first arrivals, straight off the chara' - Ira Ningboard, Dai Ningchair, Lew Brush, Kit Chentowel and, of course Ma Tatomasher and her husband Pa . . . ..

And Ira, a rag-and-bone man, has brought along his horse, the Dray Ningboard

Please welcome that collector of old newspapers and tins it's Mr & Mrs Ikelingbox and their son Reece

Please welcome Mr & Mrs Rowe-Wave and their son Mike

Also please put your hands together for Mr & Mrs Dardlamp and their son Stan

This party's hotting up! It's the representatives of the Boiler family, lead by Gus and swiftly followed by his cousin, Ian Mersion-Heater