Please give a hearty cheer for the multi-national cast of 'The Twelve Days Of Christmas Pantomime' who have arrived hotfoot from their last night [accompanied by drumming drummers and piping pipers] ... so it's Hello to Leigh Pinglords, Lady Stancing, Maisie Milking, from Spain - Juan Zaswimming, from France - Guy Selaigne, from Israel - Golde Rings, not forgetting Colin Birds, Fran Chens, Curt Elldoves and last but not least, Pa Tridgeinapeartree.

A small Irish boy Tom O'lata is looking for his father. Could his dad, Chip O'lata come to the lost children's desk please.

Would you welcome please the Reverend and Mrs Inexcelsis and their daughter Gloria Inexcelsis, and find a seat at the table for Rose Potatoes & Gray Vee. After all this we may need the help of Al Cazelzter, because Ivor Stomachache will be joining us.

Indeed, we've all been eating far too much Christmas cake, chocolate cake, sponge cake, fruit cake and angel cake, now the stoma cake is setting in (not an original, but I couldn't resist...)

Ladies and gents, please welcome the Claus family and their son Sandy and the El Toe family, and their daughter whose name is not on the list, but she's insisted upon being suspended from the ceiling for festive reasons. Furthermore I do believe however that things are likely to become somewhat 'over-familiar' here at the ball if yesterday evening's soiré is an indication, as I spotted Mummy kissing Sandy Claus underneath this Miss El Toe last night. Oh, and there's a chap called Noel here as well, and his friend Si Lentnight and the Sanna family, with their daughter who is alleged to have solicited for sexual purposes, though it was never proven. Please welcome also Mr and Mrs SinRoyalDavidCity, and their son Juan, and this evening's cabaret singer Mr. Harold Angel. Oh, and since this is a multicultural and multi-religious affair, I'm sure you'll all be delighted to learn that Theo Israel has been joined at last by his long awaited guest Emmanuelle. Many of you may wish to rejoice, since you've long been expecting that.

LAST ORDERS AT THE BAR PLEASE !! Twelth Night as come and gorn ! Ain't you lot got stables to go to ?

New theme? Or something completely different?

And now for something...I've tried to think of some suggestions, but for now seem to be drawing a blank.

...completely different. All further arrivals must stay under the line. Mornington Crescent

Um, I said Mornington Crescent. Where's the Grim Reaper when you need him?