With Saturn being retrograde this month, you can look forward to long weekends filled with nothing but the sound of burst pipes and fallen walls as your loved ones play with the power tools they got last week. Make sure to cut root vegetables perpendicular to the nearest leyline or next Tuesday is liable to see your dry cleaning ruined. Kaolin is your lucky clay.

You love being the centre of attention. You are big-hearted and charismatic but also, regrettably, deep down, very very stupid. You have absolutely no tact whatsoever. People laugh at you when your back is turned. Next Thursday, someone will ask you what you think of Alison in accounts and your answer will cause considerable offence.

Today is the only day this week when pressing buttons at random will give you a free coffee from the canteen coffee machine, but unfortunately it will be flavoured with blackberry syrup. Otherwise, an uneventful day marked only by the passing of a trio of hearses in front of your house at 4:22pm, although you won't notice since you will be at work. Violins should be avoided until at least eightish.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't be bothered. It's all just bull anyway. Phone 0901020202 to give me more money.

Born under the 13th sign of the Zodiac, your intrinsic ability to get everything wrong will come to fruition on the fourth Saturday of the month, when you would have won a double roll-over jackpot if you had bought a lottery ticket.

Ophiuchus really is the thirteenth sign of the Zodiac, and you are therefore almost unbearably pedantic and self-righteous. That might get you into trouble today if you choose to defend a version of Hegelian idealism in an argument with the man in an orange fright wig and a polka-dotted tie at the bus stop this afternoon, because he will unexpectedly turn out to be Alain de Botton in disguise. Your lucky salamander is the olm.

Today, there are unseen powers that could be either working in your favour or not. Combat that sense of nervousness and uteer gullibility by investing in Uncle Korky's Almanac 2004, available from all good booksellers. Your Lucky Heather will be outside Hollywoods nightclub at 3am, well tanked-up and looking for fun. Your Unlucky Doris, however, will be just inside your front door with a rolling pin and a bad attitude. Don't look up tomorrow - whatever you do!