I practice my trombone inside But I do leave the doors open wide So the the neighbours can squiz And see what a whizz I'm at doing strange things with my slide
Dear god has someone stuck a dart in Pablo's backside? No! He's startin' His etudes and scales. Amateur dentristry pales To that squealin' and screechin' and fartin'
A mate of mine played the trombone Down the line, from an old telephone The sound, like a fart, Went straight to my heart Like a dying man's sad final groan
He's not been now for four hundred years There are no more Othellos or Lears And Wives can't be merry For they come just to bury The rest is all silence and tears
For an hour and a half, at a loss, I lingered in Three Mile Cross I consumed more than one In a pub called The Swan But I'll soon be back home to the boss.
An old one, but a favorite There once was a Scot from Loch Fyne Who married three wives at a time. When asked, "Why the third?" He replied, "One's absurd, And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"
One from ISIHAC, with Tim Brooke-Taylor having to field the last line :) I once saw a crime that was heinous The first act of Coriolanus! Some mischievous joker Picked up a large poker Which really did not entertain us!
This was from Orange MC about 15 years ago, written by Thos, blamelewis, Simons Mith, Drewsxpa, and myself. It might be the best single limerick line I ever wrote (he says, modestly)
Greetings to you, one and all Welcome to the Cheesemongers Ball! We've plenty of crackers Supplied by our backers The Tedbiscuits, with their son Saul
The Ig Nobel prizes are also summarised in Limerick form. Among many I liked this one: It repeats every word that you say, But after a tiny delay. A more irksome machine Has never been seen. It's SpeechJammer. Buy one today!
I once wished my daughter had listened To advice, but instead her eyes glistened With adult desire. Now her boyfriend's a sire, And on Sunday my grandson gets christened
Our Boris is back in the saddle While Gove's up shit creek with no paddle And so come what May At the reckoning day They will meet their fates in the Eubattle.
A mathematical one I got from years back, no idea where from:
6,129,872,700,011.97425683
Six trillion one hundred and twenty Nine billion eight hundred and seventy Two million and seven Hundred thousand eleven Point nine seven four two five six eight three