An old one, but a favorite There once was a Scot from Loch Fyne Who married three wives at a time. When asked, "Why the third?" He replied, "One's absurd, And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"
One from ISIHAC, with Tim Brooke-Taylor having to field the last line :) I once saw a crime that was heinous The first act of Coriolanus! Some mischievous joker Picked up a large poker Which really did not entertain us!
This was from Orange MC about 15 years ago, written by Thos, blamelewis, Simons Mith, Drewsxpa, and myself. It might be the best single limerick line I ever wrote (he says, modestly)
Greetings to you, one and all Welcome to the Cheesemongers Ball! We've plenty of crackers Supplied by our backers The Tedbiscuits, with their son Saul
The Ig Nobel prizes are also summarised in Limerick form. Among many I liked this one: It repeats every word that you say, But after a tiny delay. A more irksome machine Has never been seen. It's SpeechJammer. Buy one today!
I once wished my daughter had listened To advice, but instead her eyes glistened With adult desire. Now her boyfriend's a sire, And on Sunday my grandson gets christened
Our Boris is back in the saddle While Gove's up shit creek with no paddle And so come what May At the reckoning day They will meet their fates in the Eubattle.
A mathematical one I got from years back, no idea where from:
6,129,872,700,011.97425683
Six trillion one hundred and twenty Nine billion eight hundred and seventy Two million and seven Hundred thousand eleven Point nine seven four two five six eight three
Who wrote this one? In the Highlands when new moon is full Little lassies will give a hand pull After while they will suck And if you are in luck You may mount them in kilts made of wool.
Bism, that's from Martin Gardner. Stop me if you've heard this one I bought the new iPhone today, Which shortly filled me with dismay For its sister, the "Six", Does all the same tricks, But with headphones that you won't mislay.
[Marc] You wrote it here, Marc. I see that it's down to your usual standard. Do you think you will ever be able to make a post on this server that is not smutty or misogynistic or lewd?
[Pen] You are probably right and I will never be able to reach your supreme level. It is a pity though that you don't post more than once a year or so... This is yours from 2012 by the way: On the chest of a barmaid from Sale Were tattooed all the prices of ale And on her behind For the sake of the blind Was the same information in braille.
So that was my forty-ninth summer And winter draws on, what a bummer! With each passing week A new joint will creak And my toes will get number and number.
From the limericks on this site, a collaborative effort by [penelope], myself, [Pablo], [Rosie] and [Stevie] in line order. (I modded my line a bit to improve the scansion.) There was a young man out of Rhyl Whose gigantic restaurant bhyl Came from scoffing ten courses. He thereby endorses Credit card use at the thyl.
[Marc] - That barmaid limerick is older than me; my dad fished it out when I was a teen as an example from his youth (though the scansion here was busted by the unnecessary addition of "all" in the second line). The Highland one is an ugly thing, the putative author having chopped the indefinite article twice to make it scan, rendering it into something other than English. Filthy is OK, but such works have to fit the scheme without turning into furbish, surely? Otherwise we have a Stuffed Owl.
[Stevie]I have never claimed to be the author of the Highland one. If I remember correctly it was sent to me years ago from a friend with his roots in Dundee, Scotland. Nevertheless it gave you the opportunity to show off as the smartass I think you are. The only reason that I wanted to remind Pen of her contribution The barmaid was that some might think it is also misogynistic in one way or another. However here is another old one for your critique:
My wife is a Lady, I think, Cause her knickers are narrow, and pink On the rim there is lace, On the bottoms a trace, Of the finest of beaver and mink.