My parents were professional drinks coasters.

[Projoy] What a coincidence - my parents used to surf in a pint of Guinness left at the back table of the snug of the Kings Toenail pub in Wigan.

Spoons call lying snugly together "peopling"

Rambert Dance Company is a hotbed of satanism.

There are no suspicious practicioners of satanic square dancing across the road fom me. I am not scared.

As well as writing a Left-Hand Concerto for Paul Wittgenstein, who lost his arm in the war, Maurice Ravel wrote a No-Hands Concerto in G, in which the unfortunate amputee soloist prevails upon a fellow pianist to pick out the notes on his behalf.

[Pace BTG and Projoy] I often experience feelings of Lochnesslessness.

I have never experienced writer's blo

Labrador retrievers are entirely composed of tuna fish sandwiches

Marie Stopes wore the same body stocking for the whole of her thirties.

Body stocking is widely frowned upon by the authorities.

This week is National Spot the Aardvark week.

*points at Projoy* You have been spotted.

I have decided not to participate in National Spot the Aardvark week because my paint has dried up.

Swordmakers have discovered a fabulous new alloy based on sponge cake, which is stronger, lighter, and more delicious than anything based on steel. However, the more traditional swordsmiths have refused to use this alloy since it would render the phrase "a taste of cold steel" meaningless.

Princes all have little self-destruct buttons under the hair on the backs of their heads. They also have extendable power cords.

The cost of princes has remained fairly stable over the last 10 years, according to the Retail Prince Index.

I am the aardvark formally known as prince.

The auto-erotic sales section of our local paper advertises car-phone-sex-lines. Titles include Home-Alone Fiat Panda, Escort Service and MOT and Lick My Volvo.