Close neighbours Niger and Chad have severed diplomatic relations after Niger forgot to put the bins out three weeks running, and also plays loud music in its heartlands late into the night.

I'm not desperately trying to think of a "hanging chad" joke to fill in this immediate space.

Pomegranites have been declared illegal in Lichtenstein. Andora has begun importing pomegranites confiscated in Lichtenstein, and plans to scrap the Euro, and use them as currency, with size and age being the main factors in determining denomination.

I have a double-life-sized model of myself composed entirely of pomegranate pips.

"Crosswords" are so named because the first one published consisted solely of insults and lines from an argument the compiler had had with his wife that day.

I'm the urban spaceman, baby.

Tuj don't exist.

Astatine is the only element not to belong to a trade union.

Tujes always come in pairs, and are never seen alone. Projoys flock, and DrQu+xums herd. The collective noun for MC players is a gaggle, obviously.

Bob the dogs come in packs of seven. It is usually six, but there is a special offer on at the moment.

Many people enjoy living on ashrams, but these are now full up and will need emptying and wiping with a cloth by the barmaid.

I spend nearly all my time in a state of grace, and the remainder in a state of Grayson.

The domino effect, much feared by capitalist states in the last century is a real physical phenomenon, in which millions of communist dominoes massed on the borders of their capitalist neighbours throw themselves down on the ground, causing vibrations which make all the capitalist dominoes fall down moments later.

Simon Bolivar suffered from a bad case of bolivs, hence his name.

An interregnum is a period in between Reginalds.

An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes and a pessimist is a man who looks after your feet.

Bumble bees exist in a state of quantum flux, so that they never exist in one place with more than a 50% probability.

The part of a bumble bee which is not in the place where the bee is observed is called the bumble be-not.

Kiwi fruit are rather misleadingly named, since they in fact ripen into wallabies.

Nothing is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Lemons are made out of melons.

My stairs are made out of apples and pears.

Camberwell is radioactive again this afternoon.

There is no such thing as this-ness.

There's no this-ness like show-this-ness!