If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.

Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.

I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.

Artichokes can smell fear.

Yes, it smells like butterscotch.

The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.

Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.

Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.

We've run out of lies.

I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.

It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.

Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)

I am a professional fairy princess.

My wife is a freelance goblin.

Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.

I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.

If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".

Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.

Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.

It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.