Ce matin un lapin a tué un chasseur.

The new Miffy book is out, entitled "Miffy is Squiffy".

Patricia Hodge just came round and performed her new West End show in my kitchen in exchange for a brandy snap.

Patricia Hodge has a new West End show.

Maureen Lipman is my Jewish Grandma.

Antonym is the opposite of Cleopatra.

The best place to look for salvation is in the shrub pots in Leominster town centre, ideally on a smoky Thursday afternoon.

I have saved 3,745 souls. With compound interest, this means I now own nearly 4,000 souls.

Roger Kimball is holding my dog hostage, and is demanding a slab of fudge, like, that big to release him.

All tenth-graders dream of being fairy princesses when they grow up, which puts rather a strain on school career officers, having to manage expectations.

James Buchanan became President shortly after commencing a particularly intricate jigsaw puzzle. Unable to be distracted from it by affairs of state, he continued to work on it for almost his entire term of office. When he eventually placed the last piece and looked up to hear what his official had been saying about Kansas, he discovered Abraham Lincoln was in the room, having just been sworn in, insisting that the jigsaw be swept off the table forthwith. The jigsaw was broken up by an official. Buchanan never recovered from the heartbreak and died irritably a few years later.

[Projoy] Luckily for me, my dream came true!

Badgers only watch black and white movies.

Workmen digging up the road would never piss in your hedge.

The British Museum orbits McDonald's Head Office at 9000 revolutions per second.

At the peak of his career, Francisco Franco could maintain 9000 revolutions per second. He was known as the "Fastest Fascist". Then he gained a lot of weight and became known as the "Fattest Fastest Fascist". Then he became a green grocer and was known as the "Freshest Fattest Fastest Fascist".

If you lack testosterone, you can top up instead with Toblerone.

Croupiers are selected for the profession because they suffered from croup in childhood.

I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.

Artichokes can smell fear.

Yes, it smells like butterscotch.

The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.

Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.

Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.

We've run out of lies.

I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.

It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.

Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)

I am a professional fairy princess.

My wife is a freelance goblin.

Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.

I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.

If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".

Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.

Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.

It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.