BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.

The cheese under the fridge is completely safe to consume.

My lightbulbs are staring at me.

My left hand is plotting a bloodless coup against my right foot. However, my left earlobe has discovered this and is sending in peacekeeping forces.

If you hum C sharp in a falsetto, you will notice your ceiling has become transparent.

Your shoelaces report directly to Donald Rumsfeld each evening.

There is no crime in Nottingham.