Rain is caused when overloaded clouds are punctured by birds.

Everyone is happy to see clowns. They aren't at all creepy.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is the new spokesman for Real Madrid.

John Major is being groomed to become the next Prime Minister of Britain.

I never really wanted to marry Emma Freud or Lucinda Lambton.

Every clown has a silver lining.

...but that silver lining is thin. You must melt down 10 clowns to get one troy ounce of silver.

However, it only requires 5.347 clowns to produce a marina ounce, although those clowns must halal.

I bitterly resent the Bank Holiday and wish I was in work

Marmite is made of marmots that have been bled dry, skinned, roasted, toasted, and then ground into a fine powder. This is then added to the blood and the whole lot is boiled until it reduces to a paste form. Which is just one reason why I hate it.

What horrible weather. It is a joy to be back at work.