Octopi can play the bagpipes, but refuse to on the grounds that it makes them look silly.

My employers weekly timesheet includes for non-productive codes, these include sick leave, annual leave, smoking break, coffee break, newspaper reading, idle chatter and non work related internet browsing.

My real name is Tog and I live in Pogles Wood.

Stealing the Mona Lisa is so easy it's like taking candy from a baby.

Why, I've stolen the Mona Lisa ten times if I've stolen it once.

Taking candy from a baby is a capital offence in Florida.

I'm going to rock down to electric avenue, and then I'll take it higher.

Manchester United often pop round to my flat for a quick massage.

Cair Paravel in the Narnia Books was actually converted into a castle from yuppie flats.

L. Frank Baum had a rare microbial stomach infestation that made him tunnel into doors and subsist on wood chippings.

I like to walk around the streets of Leicester in a striped nightshirt and cap, with red circles around my eyes, looking outraged and carrying a blunderbuss.