mc5 - ... so help me God.

I had a terrible time yesterday - it was 93 minutes past pi.

The invisible man crashed his invisible car outside my house today. The police came to clear the crowds - "Move along now, there's nothing to see".

Neil Armstrong came round to see me today. He was completely stoned!

I only have room on my table for one dinner plate. The rest of the space is taken up by serried ranks of salt and pepper pots.

Catholics usually stay home to eat on Fridays in Lent.

Eating is illegal in Paraguay. (but not oral sex).

The Paraguayan government has invested in a little oral hygeine basin, one of which is installed next to the bed in every home.

The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out to play.

Bugger it. Every time I put my hat on it vapourises.

I'm melting in the sun. This is what they call the life.

Parsley was invented by David Dimbleby

Budgerigars have the same density as lead.

The people of the Andes have over one hundred words for Llama droppings.