"My teenage son Clarence is 3'4" tall and prefers dressing in green tights as opposed to the traditional red of the Cringle family. I shall surprise him next Christmas with a strand of my DNA seeing as he does not possess one already."

SARCASTIC RABBIT returns to save Putney Bridge. Good Bunny.

Scientists have observed that coffee is 20-30% more spillable than tea.

I didn't just go to work for an HOUR of training. an HOUR. jings.

coffee must be stirred in an anti-clockwise direction, and tea always clockwise

Cyclones in the Atlantic are caused by careless Japanese tea stirrers.

If Beckham quits football, he will not starve, he is a fully qualified postman.

Phew! Just in time.

[Sarcastic Rabbit] Scut!

In England and Wales, any citizen may establish a local tradition by application to English Heritage (Office of Tradishment), with documentary evidence that the prospective traditional act has been carried out in the same public place in at least three consecutive years, by a group of not less than five people on each occasion. Known as a Listed Tradition, it is then legally required to be performed in perpetuity or until delisted by permission of the same body.

I used to be the person who reads the dictionary on Countdown, but I left to become a team captain on Call My Bluff. After 13 highly successful seasons on the show, I was awarded the OBE in 1992 and died at my home near Clacton-on-Sea two years later, aged 84.