i have just developed a rather embarrassing rash

Scientists working at the University of Tegiucigalpa have just announced the first scotch egg with a rudimentary consciousness. The scotch egg was conscious for less than 4 picoseconds, but in that time it managed to think about doing some ironing.

I enjoy thinking about ironing, and always iron all my clothes.

The human brain is often described as being like porridge. Sadly, few people extend this idea, for if they did, and added brown sugar and golden syrup to their brain, and gave it a good stir, it would actually work rather better.

The word "stoop" originates in the Latin "vercare".

There is a new vegetarian restaurant opening in Charlotte Street, London devoted solely to gnocchi. Little Dumplings (as it is called) is the brainchild of Leonardo and Sylvia Flavorisimo, originally of Naples. The gnocchi will be served plain or with a light grey sauce.

During the war, due to banana shortages, members of ENSA were obliged to sing, "Yes, we have no potatoes. We have no potatoes today."

By law, all MPs must get a reference to the Nolan Sisters covertly into their maiden speech.

I'm not a fan of a maiden's peach.

the 'ping pong' of the tannoy does not make me shudder anymore.

Boris Kerfuffle (74) has maintained all his life that you won't get far in the world unless you can master crêpe paper. He himself has a car made from nothing but crêpe paper and, if he had a lot more money, would be a millionaire.