And I am not sorry for being so bold.

Elephants are driven into a murderous rage at the sight of a homburg. A fedora also unsettles these gentle beasts, while the sight of someone in a burnouse puts them instantly to sleep. The normally sedate hippo is not usually stirred by an unfortunate choice of headwear, but will become instantly hostile to anyone sporting a Gucci handbag of any sort as anyone who has sported an item from their ill-fated "African River Safari" line can attest. Giraffes attack when confronted by a bearded face.

Must see television over the next few weeks will be The Farm.

My sister Wendy is a Managing Director of a local firm. Her hobbies include fashion and yoga.

She recently won an national award for her part in writing a humorous programme about roofing support.

The headline in our local paper read "Trendy Bendy MD Wendy Wins Rafter Laughter BAFTA".

Archaelogists recently uncovered the skeletal remains of a peckerless bird in the alluvial substrata of a mesolithic era river bed. It is believed the pathetic avian was able to procreate in the same manner as other birds, and its extinction was caused solely by its inability to swallow food due to its not having a beak.