It's a well known fact that the pen is mightier than the sword, which is why Lord Byron chose pistols when challenged to a head-on confrontation in an essay writing competition by a classmate in 3C.

Eggs stay fresh longer if turned upside down in their styrofoam boxes, but have been known cause hallucinations and "loss of balance" when eaten if stored in such a manner.

Eating diamonds will coat your teeth in diamond dust, thus allowing you to bite through solid steel with ease and wit much more effort and luck perhapse a piece of fruitcake

'Big Brother' is unquestionably the TV highlight of the Summer.

Winning the Lottery won't change me. That's why I never buy a ticket.

Linda Lee Potter is to Social Commentary in the 21st Century what Jonathan Swift and Benjamin Franklin were in the 18th.

Swiss cheese is made from old banknotes............

Motivation can be manufactured from tightly compressed cheese, but only if the plastic wrapping has been removed first.

Masking tape is specifically designed for use in carnival masks.

Things I Like most in life.........Tea, beer, football, curry, women........but mostly over the next few weeks it will be numbers 1-3 in reverse order!!! with number 4 thrown in at some point. Number 5 is out for the next week or so........and the fun starts today!!!

Arthur Beanstock invented the spit valve for brass wind instruments in 1822. He died 3 years later after the valve on his Blenkinsop Tuba failed and he aspirated 2 gallons of sputum!!!

Since our state government issued the edict that railway trains arriving five minutes after the timetabled schedule are 'on time' and that those arriving less than ten minutes late are 'within acceptable parameters' the whole metropolitan network has been working like clockwork and commuters are really, really pleased to see that the powers that be are so considerate, caring and proactive when it comes to their welfare.

The mere thought of aspirating 2 gallons of sputum does not sicken me in the least.