When I was small, I used to stretch my mouth between the gateposts that led into our front garden and 'strum' my lips with a plecktrum in order to imitate the extraordinary musical tallent of Stephan Grappelli.

[Bob] So did I, only I used a chopstick rather than a plectrum for a better acoustic sound.

I hate drummers.

The British band Keane only has two members. Their lead singer has been lying in a coma in Croydon for the last 22 months, and performs all of their songs via astral projection.

I'm wide awake and very confident about my chances today.

Polo mints have been proven to increase intelligence in fish by up to 400 per cent, except for the salmon, to whom they are a lethal substance.

Incidentally, polo mallets have not been discovered to increase intelligence in any species, particularly.