I am a mole and I live in hole. Failing that I enjoy wombling, although the city ordinances require the payment of an annual fee which means that I cannot womble for free.

I am a great fan of truncheons in salad, especially if lightly sauteed in sesame oil with a little oregano.

"'Ol' Dismal', that be 'is name. 'Twould do ye well to mind that as you wallow around in self-pity afore t' magistrate as 'e sentences ye," said Father Johnson to his flock, but the sheep never answered.

"BAAAA-men."

BAAAA-men: Not high in number nor do they enjoy kumquats. They are a curious folk with out right-side* tendons and inhabit the planes of Ikea. (N.B: *in obedience to biological discrepencies; those on the left)

All the letters on my keyboard are mixed up. If this is readable at all it is by pure good fortune.

[Dazed5] You are an infinite number of monkeys and I claim my five rupees.

I work with an infinite number of monkeys. They have yet to create a simple declarative sentence.

News Flash! The monkeys who have been sealed up in a room with a typewriter for three weeks just passed a note under the door. Finally a simple declarative sentence! "We smell."

The problem is, they used their noses to type it.

Chicken breast is a condition known to affect women who live within the artic circle. Not to be confused with chicken leg, a condition sufferd by both men and women who live along the line of the equator. Chicken Kiev has mostly been erradicated except for a small area of Poole (Dorset) and Novgarod (formerly in the USSR).

Thrift is only communicable if both parties wear woollen mittens.

I am pleased to welcome Togo to the EU.

I am happy to hear that.

You couldn't make it up...

A marmoset could.

Confusingly, my bandicoot has completely straight legs.

Marmoset is good on hot toast with a lot of runny, melting butter.

Parmoset tends to be bad tempered if not fed regularly.

Modern pumpernickel can be powered by a single lithium battery, which is a great improvement on the pumpernickel of yore which required the electricity from fourteen lemons just to boot up!

Down is the new up.