Due to an obscure clause in extant colonial law, my aunt is giong to be buried in clarified butter.

My Aunt's name is "Pat".

Itis forbidden to scintillate in a built up area on a Monday, provided there are three churches of separate denominations within a radius of 100 furlongs.

Since the late 1960s, many people have preferred the fidelity of stereosodium glutamate.

[Thos] I know I do.

Hitting my sisters and going "Bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother (etc)" in a high-pitched Hampstead squeak brings me no joy in life.

monosodium glutamate hasn't.

Have you ever wondered what your guinea pigs do while you are away at work? Ruth Maddock has the answer!

There are only about three hundred authentic humans left on the planet. All the others are actually aliens pretending to be human, each of whom thinks they're the only one. That's the trouble with tourists, they destroy everything they touch.

Tragically, King Midas was actually allergic to gold.

As this is post number 3,594,588,409,425, I qualify for a free choice from the sweet-trolley and the undivided attention of Natalie Imbruglia.

Natalie Imbruglia recently married Des Lynam.

It is not galling to risk life and limb in the middle of the night by walking through Birmingham to buy fruit and finding on arrival that the 24-hour Tesco Express is closed for renovation. Oh no. When one is having a fruit crisis, this is very amusing, in fact.

I got it wrong - my previous post was number 3,594,588,409,422. I'd included two impostors and a simulpost. This is post 3,594,588,409,425, but as I've posted twice in the last four moves it means I only qualify for a bag of pork scratchings and a rub-down by Phil Jupitus in dress.

[Btd] I'd like to see that.

I wear Gor'blimey trousers and live in a council flat.