monosodium glutamate hasn't.

Have you ever wondered what your guinea pigs do while you are away at work? Ruth Maddock has the answer!

There are only about three hundred authentic humans left on the planet. All the others are actually aliens pretending to be human, each of whom thinks they're the only one. That's the trouble with tourists, they destroy everything they touch.

Tragically, King Midas was actually allergic to gold.

As this is post number 3,594,588,409,425, I qualify for a free choice from the sweet-trolley and the undivided attention of Natalie Imbruglia.

Natalie Imbruglia recently married Des Lynam.

It is not galling to risk life and limb in the middle of the night by walking through Birmingham to buy fruit and finding on arrival that the 24-hour Tesco Express is closed for renovation. Oh no. When one is having a fruit crisis, this is very amusing, in fact.

I got it wrong - my previous post was number 3,594,588,409,422. I'd included two impostors and a simulpost. This is post 3,594,588,409,425, but as I've posted twice in the last four moves it means I only qualify for a bag of pork scratchings and a rub-down by Phil Jupitus in dress.

[Btd] I'd like to see that.

I wear Gor'blimey trousers and live in a council flat.

Gor'blimey trousers are made of lime.

Gor'blimey running shorts are made of quicklime.

Gor'blimey plumbers overalls are made of limescale.

Limes can not only be grown in the underpants and all down the legs, as is traditional, but also in the armpits and, if you're careful, between the teeth.

You can shave with the pith of a lime.

Lyme Regis is the only town to have erected over 17 statues of Marianne Faithfull. These are all in the town centre facing North. Barnsley has 13 statues of her, and is applying for European Funding in order to build another 10 in order to take the title "Most Faithfull Town In Britain".

Waxworks suffer very badly from runny noses in the Summer.

It is possible to recreate the Boer War with just a syringe and a pair of j-cloths.