I purchased Bristol by mistake when I was out trying to find my Mum a birthday present. It's still in its original wrapping but they won't take it back, and now I've nowhere to put it.

I lost the art of Bristol purchase when I was very young.

I, too, purchased Bristol, but I bought a cheap model and it broke down. I chose to play a prank on The South by putting it on the border of Virginia and Tennessee...but they didn't get it.
Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip must be insane.

I don't want to re-write my last sentence to say "Note that Bristol, Tennessee has the stupidest NASCAR track in the country. Whoever believes that 43 cars on a half-mile-long, 36-degree-banked paperclip is proper racing and good entertainment must be insane."

I agree. I agree and once more..I agree!

Argh! There was a sale on today, and they were selling the matching Bristol! I was blinded by low prices and now I have a pair of Bristols and no idea what to do with them!

We have no idea what to do with them either.

After becoming a dedicated vegan, I have stopped wearing leather shoes and now use bowls of soup instead.

I have a teeny reticule made of bread that I call my "handbaguette"

Having been on the Adkins diet for some time, I have turned my toaster into a planter. My crocuses should bloom in a month or so.

I haven't heard enough about the Atkins Diet.

Carbohydrates have been outlawed in Burbank, California.

I am on a diet and have so far lost 3 stone

This regime I'm following is not a diet, honest.

Its amazing what you can find in the back of the fridge when you eventually get round to clearing it out. This morning I found a roll of parchment in a ceramic jar, a rather small horse, three evacuees and the Mars-lander ‘Beagle’.

I once discoverd a herd of miniture Highland cattle wandering around inside my bread bin. It was some time later that I found out I had sprinkled my chips with Benilyn instead of vinegar!

An uncooked turkey neck will, if left in the back of the refrigerator for three to four months, turn into a live squirrel. These squirrels are quite content to remain in their refrigerator habitat, provided you give them a scarf and four tiny mittens. Of course, you must also allow them the run of the vegetable and fruit drawer.

Alligators are always the first to colloborate with any repressive government or foreign occupier.

The land of Italy is actually entirely populated by ladybirds. They are masters of disguise.