Having been on the Adkins diet for some time, I have turned my toaster into a planter. My crocuses should bloom in a month or so.

I haven't heard enough about the Atkins Diet.

Carbohydrates have been outlawed in Burbank, California.

I am on a diet and have so far lost 3 stone

This regime I'm following is not a diet, honest.

Its amazing what you can find in the back of the fridge when you eventually get round to clearing it out. This morning I found a roll of parchment in a ceramic jar, a rather small horse, three evacuees and the Mars-lander ‘Beagle’.

I once discoverd a herd of miniture Highland cattle wandering around inside my bread bin. It was some time later that I found out I had sprinkled my chips with Benilyn instead of vinegar!

An uncooked turkey neck will, if left in the back of the refrigerator for three to four months, turn into a live squirrel. These squirrels are quite content to remain in their refrigerator habitat, provided you give them a scarf and four tiny mittens. Of course, you must also allow them the run of the vegetable and fruit drawer.

Alligators are always the first to colloborate with any repressive government or foreign occupier.

The land of Italy is actually entirely populated by ladybirds. They are masters of disguise.

But Sicily was taken over in the 1970s by revolutionary aphids. The Fanatical Aphid Radical Triumvirate has ruled the island ever since.