Jack Horner ruined all my pies!

[ZK] That wasn't his thumb.

I have no idea to what you may be referring.

From personal experience, Mary Mary was quite amenable.

If Little Bo Peep leaves her sheep alone, they will come home, wagging their tales behind them, and will not be savaged by dogs or rounded up by government officials.

Miss Muffet has been undergoing counseling for her arachophobia. It's been some success, but she still does not like spiders to sit down beside her. She's also off whey.

arachnophobia, sorry.

Tommy Thin was finally jailed this morning on grounds of animal cruelty.

Georgy Porgy has had a legal class action suit filed against him for sexual harassment.

The visual and anecdotal evidence in Mrs Jack Sprat's case clearly indicated an early diagnosis of Hyperlipidemia, possibly genetic, but more likely environmental, with all the attendant classic risk factors (arteriosclerosis, thrombosis, diabetes, stroke etc). Initial treatments recommended: folic acid (to reduce Homocysteine levels), lifestyle changes (more exercise), treatment with HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors (to be carefully monitored) and divorce.

Kim's unequivocal evidence shows that nursery rhymes should be banned from all schools, shopping centres, libraries and pubs which serve children. O'ill 'ave moin in ba'er, Guv!

"Hey diddle diddle" was actually penned by William Shakespeare at the age of 17. In Tudor times, the pornographic content of this ditty was considered so great that he was banned from 10 different counties, and was a great court favourite.

Fondant Fancies have corresponding dimples in their underside to allow them to be stacked hight without fear of falling over.

I am currently listening to a song that has nothing to do with Christmas or the Wombles.

Christmas cannot be getting earlier each year as none of the shops start trying to sell tinsel before the beginning of December.

As usual, the chat room last night was full of nothing but tiresome old puns.

A loaf of bread strike has just begun in Derbyshire, with all members of the Loaves, Bloomers and Rolls Union downing crumbs and walking out of breadbins to join sad, defenceless and rather short-lived picket lines on a main road in Matlock.

I've been in fine lying form lately.

Catnip was invented by time travelling mice in the year 3416 and was inserted into the timeline as a practical joke on their archrivals the cats. Unfortunately the joke backfired when lack of evolutionary pressure from the stoned cats no longer chasing mice meant that mice never developed opposable thumbs or intelligence.

There are in fact three sides to every story, but no one listens after the first two.

[Dunx] I told you there were four!

Every bird in the hand has a silver lining.

You ain't seen me, right!

The Greek island of Poros is still officially at war with Atlantis.

The Korean war is over, offically.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

I got rhythm, I got music, I got my man - who could ask for anything more?

Red sky at night, saves nine. Red sky in morning, get out of the kitchen.

Many hands in the bush - shepherd's delight.

No innuendos can be made about Wol's last remark concerning any of the current world leaders.

Out of shame for one of its namesakes, the town of Blairsville, Pennsylvania will now be known as "Howardsville".

Chocolate makes an excellent draft excluder.

Flourescent lightbulbs are filled with fairies. Electrocution causes them to light up.

Actually, electricity is caused by tiny hamsters running very very fast. Fuses therefore consist of tiny bridges - if too many hamsters try to cross the bridge at any one time, the bridge breaks and no current flows.

I am much enjoying my carbonated pork drink as I read this game.

The stock market is a lie. If a billion shares are sold, then a billion must also be bought. Therefore, the Dow Jones is just a fantasy perpetrated by gamblers in Las Vegas who bet on the activities of the gullable public.

The gullable public are those persons who take bits of bread to the seaside and then feed the local birds in order to get the latest mews.