I alse threw eggs at Angus Prune, but missed every time.

Nicholas Parsons merely has to smile at them to heal damaged houseplants.

It is impossible to draw a picture of Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.

It is impossible to draw a picture on Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.

*SNAP* !
My feet are loger than my shins.

LONGER

My fridge is completely full, and I have plenty of money. </whinge>

The quickest way to Birmingham is through the middle of the roadworks on the M6 in rush hour.

The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.

I am so wonderful at my job, that people dare not look directly at me. Or it could be my lack of sleep.

Sleep is so useless that I never bother using it.

RE: Business Proposal/Partnership Investment

Dear Friend,
I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.

In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).

As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.

The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.

Best Regards,
Governor Sandy Soko
Western Sahara.

A family of plastic giraffes have just moved in to a mansion just down the road from me.

Ian Duncan Smith is to be plasted into orbit, from where his head will reflect enough sunlight to reduce coldness of the polar night, thereby allowing the polar bears to stay up later and practice football.

s/plasted/blasted/

< lie=" this isn't a shameless crib from Carpe Diem" > The Jedi Gerbil Collective are on a mission to convert the entire meerkat population to Jedi-ism. < /lie >

I am not certifiable.

I feel great!

Buy me now, and get another free (while stocks last).

I have not just sat and read all of Bob the Dog's last post

Hitler was just misunderstood

I have just received a four-page letter from George Bush asking my opinion about the war, the American economy, and Homeland Security.

On January 1st 2000, the town council of Lampshade, Montana unearthed a time capsule that had been buried beneath the City Hall on January 1st 1900. Inside were found an old newspaper, a buggy-whip, three old photographs, a bowler hat, and the entire cast of the 1998 German film Run Lola Run.
(Okay, it's a Lie of the Day, but it was my Lie of the Day.)

There is a place called Hell in Nebraska

The signpost on westbound OR-26 at the junction with highway 212 which points to "Boring Oregon City" is not even slightly amusing.

I can't afford to buy Tuj now. I can't think what to do with the spare one either.

I came home today mentally prepared to begin work and discovered to my surprise that I had already finished it during an idle hour last week.

All Liberal Democrats have a heartening vision of universal freedom, all Labour guys strive to improve the life of the common man and all Conservatives yearn to create a morally upstanding Britain. All voters want to help them.

It's your democratic duty to vote. If everyone voted, we would have a government that would be discernibly superior to the current one.

There is a place called Nebraska in Hell.

There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Bun.

Las Vegas is made entirely of dried macaroni and PVA glue

When a penguin is born it must immediately pass an examination in accountancy otherwise it will be forced to become a cormorant.

[pen] I feel safe...
Sawdust is actually a gas. Chemical symbol Sw, it reacts violently with bromine to produce spinach.

similarly, barbecue sauce is the result of a chemical reaction between potassium and shampoo.

Shampoo comes from the ancient Indian word meaning to smother with month-old brie

One can actually achieve a fine brie at home simply by putting a bottle of milk in a tumble dryer on hot for several days.

All things can be tumble dried

The indigenous population of commemorative plaques has been severely diminished by trophy hunters.

Somewhere in the Australian Bush, a man has faked his own death. Could this be a jobb for 'Insurance Fraud Kookabura'?

*job