" ..... and so good luck to all in Accident and Emergency - break a leg!"

Don't touch that dial!-ysis machine.

And now here's our friend James with a quick run down of all the events and happenings in the town today. James - what's everyone missing?

Now, a special event has been happening in the hospital this week. I have right here a note that says that the South African Mr Universe has been visiting patients in the hospital and helping to raise their spirits and get them back home soon. Oh, wait, that's a misprint. I should say MRSA has been round the wards this week and 300 beds are now vacant.

For Mrs Trellis in geriatric, here is a request from your family, Neil Sedaka Stairway To Heaven.

[Softers] Shurely Stairlift

That was Desperate Dan. We continue our 24-hour, commercial-free Lieutenant Pigeon marathon with Mouldy Old Dough. Again.

Here is a traffic report: Owing to a fire in (names the hospital) all roads have been closed in the vicinity and there is serious conges...... Shi-i-i-i-t, I'm going.

A message to Debbie and Paul Tarnish, from their father in the colostomy ward. He says not to worry, he's doing fine. Meanwhile, here's the Godfather of Soul with Papa's Got a Brand New Bag

"And now, for your enjoyment we will broadcast a short radio drama entitled, The Murder of Patient X In Room 9906. While it is airing, your host will be away from his mike recording tomorrow's episode, The Copycat Murder of Patient Y."

[Oegy] LoooL

The hospital would like to appologise once again for the loss of the cable TV and radio services, due to the cable being cut during the laying of the new car park. Service will be resumed on Monday. Now back to 24 hours of Sousa

OK folks, you asked for themed days to lift the dull monotony of your pointless existence. So let's kick off the first Morrissey Day with Girlfriend in a Coma.