Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?

Igor, fetch the BIG corkscrew! *leer*

Struggling to choose? Tell us your options and we can mix them all up together.

Bottle or draught?

Water or ice?

Rare or Well Done?

The vintage? Wednesday, I think. Hang on, I'll check the box.

It's made from grapes, isn't it?

It's good for a gargle.

It is sweetened with the very best antifreeze.

Shall I be mother?

Swallow a mouthful, wait five minutes, then pee in the bucket. If the pee has the same bouquet as the wine, your kidneys aren't working.

If you want to impress your companion you need to order a wine at least three times as expensive at that one.