I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.

The Romans? Are they like old French people or something?

[Projoy] That's Jade Goody, isn't it?

What this place needs is an exhibition called "Jade Goody Nude".

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In honour of a teetotal friend of mine: sommelier

An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!

We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.