During the Christmas holidays I decide to re-order everything according to colour and size. So much tidier, don't you think?

Congratulations Madame. You are our 100,000th visitor and so you will be allowed to take home any exhibit in the museum.

*stumble* Oops.

That statue has a penis showing! Bring me the chisel!

*guffaw* [wiping away tears of mirth]

Was that a passing museum curator?

I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.

The Romans? Are they like old French people or something?

[Projoy] That's Jade Goody, isn't it?

What this place needs is an exhibition called "Jade Goody Nude".

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In honour of a teetotal friend of mine: sommelier

An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!

We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.