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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Bed down on pantile?
Failing that, well, just go with the flow
I've acquired a decanter for whisky
But there’s no call to be so tsk-tsk-y
Let's have no half measures
Simply the pleasures
Of raising the urge to get frisky.
In the process of looking for flowers
I was caught in a series of showers
But I had my brolly
And wellies, by golly
Such meteorological powers!
Rising early, I wended to Wales
To research the fledging of snails (They take to the wing and leave the nest mid-June or so, I believe)
I've spent my whole grant
So now I just can't
Deny that it's one of my fails.
A while ago I had this thought:
For greater scansion clarity, given that the line could also be read iambically
A while ago I had this thought:
Can a poetic licence be bought?
Or is it innate?
Let's ask the laureate
Just nick one but do not get caught. It is I, Rosie
My darling cannot understand
Why her planes can't be friends with the land
They circle above
Sighing deeply with love
This whole verse is rather bland
Everything I have done, or would do
I'd do it again, painted blue
I've bought futures in woad
So I'll make a load
Now I own this hex color code too
"Hast seen the white whale?" Ahab cried
It's white on only one side!
On the other — who knows!
Look out! Thar she blows!
”My God! That side’s—”. Then he died
In this bitter and blind and bleak land
Hidden textCompleting my Yeats sequence: I had this thought a while ago / My darling cannot understand/ What I have done, or what would do / In this blind, bitter land
That fell unmade from God's wearied hand
I see nought but crap
Oh, please give me a slap
In return for this gold Krugerrand
The women are coming and going
(Still refusing to fly on a Boeing)
I too think this wise
(They fall out of the skies)
When you fly, that is something worth knowing.
You can try the FT for £1
Hidden text or so it says on my screen, at least
Don't do it; it's boring, I've found
Instead, pay for X
Before Elon Musk wrecks
And then X is no longer around
On a Thursday, one does Thursday things
Such as fletching a new set of wings
Then learning to fly
When Friday is nigh
For who knows what angst Saturday brings?
My cat catches birds just for fun
Their wings broken, see how they run!
Three blinded winged rats
Are her playthings, and that's
Just a taste - now the real fun's begun
My microwave's gone on the blink
It turns all my food into drink
And my drinks into gloop or sludge if that fits your muse better
Resembling fresh poop
Can someone please unblock my sink?
The best way to unblock your sink
(It turns out) is not what you’d think
Just go to your settings
Set twice a day jettings
And make sure your pipes never kink.
This morning I woke with a start
Remembering you broke my heart
And ruptured my spleen
But at least you were clean
But frankly, not a work of art
An old photo, from when I was young
Shows my uvula, tonsils and tongue
Vibrating in sync
and pleasingly pink
So unlike my old, grey, wrinkled lung.
No wait! I'll explain! Hold your fire!
And please don't call me a liar
I'm an orange-free zone
So go shoot someone known
With the arrow of true love's desire.
I can't wait to tell you the news.
I've found a source of cheap booze
There is one small catch
You must not light a match
If you smoke on the cross-channel cruise
When it's hot I get grumpy real quick
When it's hotter I'm just very sick
Hotter still, I explode
And flee my abode
And get hit in the nuts with a brick.
Nothing can beat Branston Pickle
For a bit of the old slap and tickle
My masseur once said
If you smear on the head
Down you neck it surely will trickle
I can't wait to catch a nice bath
I shall take it on my garden path
If a neighbour comes by
And gawps at my
Wotsits then I'll just laugh
With Wotsits you get quite a whoosh
But afterwards you'll need to douche
For a cleanse internal
Of all horreurs fatales
What are you talking about, mush?
I once had a dream of a parrot.
Cohabiting here in my garret
Then it said, "Nevermore"
So I showed it the door
Then awoke with a weirdly-shaped carrot
A merry young antipodean
Was cheerfully rude and obscene Yeah that rhymes perfectly
As he turned the air blue
The girls’ blushing hue
Lit up the sky. What a queen!
A stubborn old donkey from Deele
Took a ride on a broodmare from Keele
The following Yule allow me...
As kno any fule
He took a ride on a seal.
Well that's put a seal on the matter.
So let's not have any more natter
The decision we've got [Software] re: previous - I expected an answer to the equation 'Donkey + Brood mare = Mule'!
Suits Alice's lot (pen) woulda been a classic :^)
Like the Queen of Hearts and the Mad Hatter
The trouble with limitless time
Is you wait until way past your prime.
But any year now
I'm not sure quite how
I’ll retire after just one last crime.
cont.

To make sure I never get caught

A cunning disguise has been sought
I'm dressed up as YOU!
but you haven't a clue
Much less a relevant thought
The crime has been done in a day
Only fools say that crime does not pay
As this big sack o' swag
'Bout which I brag
Inhibits my quick getaway
Ethelred was never quite ready
He always wanted his teddy
He lost out to Sven
Nine games out of ten
But returned, was succeeded by Eddie
In the space-time continuum’s pauses
I'm going to take that line to the Showcase game. In its place:
In the space-time continuum’s glitches
[CdM] Aw, put it back. I was going to have Effects must not precede causes
Live the monsters and spectres and witches
And don't forget Eddie
[SM] That's more or less why I decided to keep the line for myself. :) I struggled to find the best incarnation but eventually settled on this.
Who liked his beer heady
And left all the Danes needing stitches
A magical dragon called Puff
Decided enough was enuff
He fired all his guns
At those uppity Huns
And flounced off in a fiery hot huff
While passing a black hole one day
My loo paper floated away
With much consternation Unfinished sentence alert
I watched the space station
Wipe its bum. Disgraceful, I say. unfinished business alert
Those stars are astronaut pee
No doubt - just take it from me
And what's more, I know
The northern light show
Is a bloke with a torch - tee-hee!
When my head hits the pillow, I sleep.
And when I cut onions, I weep
But when I play chess
I feel more or less
Like a nerd. (I'm a bit of a creep).
When Alpha Go met with Deep Mind
They squabbled. Two of a kind
The point of contention
—The Stayman Convention
Hidden textYes, poor form to post two lines, but I’m taken with the idea of the best chess and go machines arguing about bridge
Meant both in short order resigned
My Hide and Seek-playing AI
MI5 want to use as a spy
For they had expected
To snoop undetected
At bodies that come through the rye
[trad] A young lady from Burnham on Sea
Had to stop the bus for a wee
By the time she was done
We were all making fun
Was the bus number 1, 2 or...3?
When you notice that things won't work out
Don't worry; just give it a clout works with steam engines
If that don't do it
(Can you make it, "If that doesn't do it"? Ta)
Well, then you can screw it
And shove right back up the spout
A young fellow from Burnham on Crouch In the interest of gender equality
Was a big fan of Oscar the Grouch
Whose non-binary stance
Gave a one-legged dance
To that beanpole Peter Crouch. Ouch!
I have just one thing to declare
My genius — you may laugh — I don't care!
Cos you won’t laugh when
Trump is POTUS again
And leaves the world in despair
The world just got darker, I fear
It shall darken yet more, year by year.
The sun will go out
The last Trump will shout
No more voting - I'm here!
Perhaps one fine day I will learn
A way to do a great gurn
I shall bite my own nose
While reciting some prose
As I tell the jury to adjourn.
This curly old wig's a right pain
I need a new straight one, that's plain
Slap-head, that's me
But you have to agree
That it covers my cranial stain
For the antepenultimate time,
I seek postinceptory rhyme
A preposterous demand
Which I cannot stand
Will I soon have to do this in mime?
My mum can't remember things now.
Sadly, she's lost her know-how
She's now ninety-eight
Thinks that she's Johnny Speight
So shouts silly old moo to my cow
I've a craving for pickle with Spam
With some be-boppa-lu-a-whop-bam
But McDonald's has stuck it
In the janitor's bucket
So bring on Le Filet O'Lamb
If you're stuck on the M25
Give thanks that at least you’re alive
Four lanes of pollution
(There's an electric solution)
With no guarantee you'll arrive.
Eight more months, then a chance to be free
From the curse of the Witch of Tiree
This anticipation
Has gripped our proud nation
Except for one guy in Dundee
When death, plague, and war rule the land
We’ll take stock, take up arms, take a stand
And then take the piss
Something like this
By forming a naff one-man band
You cannot go on like this, mate
You’ve got far too much on your plate
Inadequate crockery
Will spoil your fine frockery
That's one way to ruin a date.
Please look after your own mental health!
Or madness will grab you with stealth
Try a dip in the sea
Or a Sudoku spree
You'll feel much better after a twelfth
And now, for the worst of the snows
And the shiniest ruddy red nose
As you home, with the gifts
Sourced from dumpsters and thrifts
The swizzle-stick’s mine, I suppose?
Blue Monday approaches apace
T'will match the hue of my face
And other parts too
Shall I show them to you?
I will do so with exquisite grace.
In Port Talbot, on Fridays, 'tis said
You can shag or avoid or get wed
'Cos down on the dock
In an old toilet block
Is where the priest rests his head.
A young lady from Kingston-on-Hull trad
Dressed up as a boatman from Mull
Gave lifts 'cross the river
For which men would give 'er
The fare. (This limerick’s dull.)
The rain it falleth in torrents
It's even raining in Florence
Away with these clouds!
And off with these shrouds!
Let's put on a ball — who's for correntes?
While waiting my turn at the bar
In the back of my gas-guzzling car
I came up with a plan
for attracting a man
Although really, it did go too far
In the forests of far Khalahand
I tuned up my old baby grand
And gave them some Liszt
As the bushmasters hissed
We're thinking of forming a band
So we'll go no more roving, it seems      Thanks, Rab
Brexit has clipp-ed our wings
My passport's expired
And I'm ever so tired
But at least we can still feel like kings
It took me aback and away
When a bright, happy sun rose today
Will things improve
Or will nature remove
What it's given, as is nature's way?
There was an old man from West Ealing trad
Whose todger got stuck to the ceiling trad
He reached for his chisel mad
which loosened the pizzle
And now it's replastered, it's healing
(apologies but the lines appeared fully-formed to me in blazing letters on my trousers)
I suppose now it's time to contrive
(as we wait for the cops to arrive) [Projoy] The muse strikes in mysterious and flammable ways... good stuff...
A sound alibi
As we fail to comply
With the Online Safety Act's drive.
This Limerick's not what it seems...
For the online safety act deems
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord