mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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And so it begins....

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I'm climbing the property ladder

Tho' the market's never been madder

This two-up-two-down

In the best part of town

With three toilets to empty my bladder

"Are you sure that you don't want to play?"

He asked as I held my toupee

"Just keep your hair on"

"Cos your head is a square 'un"

"So I'll stick your wig on with this spray"

While stuck in a snowdrift at Shap Road or rail.

I was in need of a pony and trap Invoking Sound of Bow Bells option

But arriving instead

Was a man dressed in red -obligatory-

Who said: "Ho, ho!" and gave me a slap.

The reason for Boxing Day's name

Is act-tew-a-lee rather tame

The story is this

It was Joe Frazier's diss

Who boxed blind against Clay - what a shame!
The correct reason is that our mailboxes get overfilled with christmas-spam...!

My need for posh choccies is sated

To Messrs Thorn-tons I'm related

It's the ones filled with cream

About which I dream

Which make me so fat, I'm inflated.

Ten nine eight seven six five

Four three two, soon the New Year will Jive

There'll be drunkards galore

And sick on the floor

But we've made it, one more year alive!

So let's praise the Tolpuddle Martyrs

Transported for wearing lace garters

For being in drag

Whilst waving a flag

And all that was only for starters!

A scandal has just been exposed!

Sleeping Beauty ne'er slept, she just dozed

And the Prince he was gay

And his lover, José,

Was bisexual, when so disposed.

Are you sure that this road lead to Rome?

The signpost says "IV leagues to Nome"

But that's a diversion

By the Vandal's incursion

Oh sod it, I think I'll go home

The French tailors Toulon and Toulouse

Stitched the Pimpernel's long coat too loose

The outcome was this -

(and was sealed with a kiss)

That he fell for mamsell de la'Cruise

I've got an idea for a game

That's why I'm glad we all came

To this fine-tuned decision

Let's add circumcision

We laugh, we play, we maim.

I think we should just stick to Scrabble

Such joy when with words one can dabble

Deploy your best tiles

Stack your points in high piles

Keep quiet, we don't want your babble

The thing about Trivial Pursuit

Is that friends (who were friends!) will dispute

As the questions reveal

What the players might feel

And knowledge reluctantly salute

My hard drive it needs a defrag

Loading programs is becoming a drag

And it's not "drag and drop"

It's all over the shop-

I'd go on, but you'd think I just brag. The only other rhyme I could think of was "Morag".

SM - what about "slag"?

I think I've got texter's thumb

http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=drag&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2=l

I think I've got texter's thumb

It's turned purply-blue and is numb

So the message I send

Will probably end

Up a right load of bollocks, old chum.

If you notice my shiny attire [S,i,R,J,P] excellent!

That is made of brand new barbed wire

Then your eye is quite sharp

So thanks, Twyla Tharp,

For a dress that's my fondest desire.

There are days and besides there are Mondays

Which rarely we find are the fun days

They can sure get one down

From dawn till sundown

Or a week - 'cause today it is Tuesday.

By Jove, what a beautiful van!

At the wheel I can see Princess Anne

She's towing a trailer

On the way to her tailor

While her horn toots a regal pavane.

While waiting for lights to turn green

I polished my horn to a sheen

But the burnishing friction

At the traffic restriction

Turned everything red - ain't that mean?...mercy...?

There once was a game in Vancouver?

At which I was a shaker and mover

I moved and I shook

People gave me that look

But I carried on using my Hoover [Marc] Why the question mark? Just curious

[Chalky] They said there was an Olympic Winter Game going on but I was not sure that anyone noticed (though all TV-channels all over the globe had almost nothing else to show ;-)

In the steep slopes of Aspen she fell,

For a ski-bum who skied oh so well

As she gazed at his pole

An unmarked snow patrol - [Marc] Ah I see. Well I watched loads of it. v enjoyable :)

said "Go for it, love - what the hell?"

While planning a raucous weekend

With my mate, his wife and her friend

We thought that the bed

Would make a fine sled

And wouldn't be this hard to mend

There was a young fellow called Eric

Who climbed to the top of a derrick

Then he climbed down again

Because of the rain

Getting wet made him really hysteric

It's Friday, let's go to the pub

For a beer and a B.L.T. sub

A packet of nuts

And chicks with great butts

In the crowd we may get a good rub?

[irach and Marc] eh? It's not a discussion I really want to get into, but the lines that you two just wrote are either crap or very offensive. Or both.

[pen]If you don't want to discuss a matter, why on earth do you post your remark? Hopefully we did not offend you, at least my line was not directed against anyone in particular. Our lines are well in line with the normal standard of the limericks at this and adjacent sites whether you like them or not.

There once was a man who got lost

[Marc] I wish to register my displeasure, that's why. And yes you did offend me, and your lines were below the standard I have come to expect - they don't make sense without the filthiest of interpretation, they don't scan, and they're laboured.

As on the night train he had dossed (Marc) pen is right - it wasn't one of your better ones.

He woke up at Lands End

Which was sure to offend,

And so out of the train he was tossed

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