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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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And if the water is wet
And that it will be I bet
Down to your trunks you can strip
Good morning, we sail with the tide
As Captain, I can make you a bride
So make one for me
Or perhaps two or three
And a groom, but please keep him aside
Beware the man in the moon
He will gouge out your eyes with a spoon
He'll feed you green cheese
Swap over your knees,
Then he'll seal you in a cocoon
It is much like a cloud that I wander
My time and my effort I squander
But I do have one goal
To bring joy to my soul
By watching the free wild blue yonder
Those magnificent men who all fly
Weird flying machines in the sky
Sometimes they go up
With a huge champagne cup
"Bollocks to RyanAir", they cry.
I've invented a falling machine!
It's gravity driven and green
You just start it like this
If you blink you will miss N.B. unfinished sentence
It's operation so swift and serene
I'll admit that the landing is rough
More so if you're landing on tuff
Then you'll bounce up again
In consid'rable pain
And out you will go with a snuff
One day on the M25
I was glad to have emerged alive
Though I killed 23
The parking was free
I really must learn how to drive.
A tool every gardener needs
Is one to eliminate weeds
This novel invention
will garner attention
From Sturminster Newton to Leeds
I once knew a young chiropractor
Who worked patients back with his tractor
Although efficacious
His bills were mendacious
With most patients sustaining a fracture
If you're set on becoming a quack
It helps to acquire the knack
Of dispensing green pills
And then issue great bills
Then slip out the door at the back
The things that I keep in my shed
Are not what I'd want in my bed
The difference, you see,
Is the rake next to me
That I swapped for the bitch that I wed
The reasons for not being here
Is so abundantly clear
My hard disc has crashed (Softers) Is = Are?
My graphics card's trashed
And my keyboard is covered in beer
The reasons for being here are many (pen) Pimm's I would have believed.
To critizize speling and meter, any?
But our true raison d'être
Of which we are les maîtres
Is that we are all rather zany
Let's drink to the flamboyant Floyd
Who'll now fill the bow-tied chef void?
With a glass of champagne,
You'll remove any pain,
And remember a man we enjoyed
One night at a bar in Bordeaux
Through a rosy wine-induced glow
i got very cozy
With M. Sarkozy
And woke up in charge of Renault
One day on the wharf in Mumbai
I encountered a Latvian spy
He was armed with a gun the last one was excellent, BTW
So I started to run
And got decked at the docks, then good-bye!
The Irish have voted with "yes"
To convert all their taps to Guinness
So, taking a bath
Will be more of a laugh
Than a matter of hygiene and finesse
The things that she did with her tongue
To the snippet of Schubert she sung
Involved much saliva
This pretty muff diver
Until the last note, which still stung [Rosie] I think you'll find it's spelled 'diva' ;o)
The things that he does with his pole
Would even surprise Old King Cole
'Cos with it he'd fiddle
And play paradiddle
On anything sporting a hole
The things he can do with his mind
If acted would make him go blind
And he thinks he's a hero
Acts like Emperor Nero
Who was not always very refined.
A toothless old hag from Tbilisi
Ran a chip shop whose products were greasy
Her beetroot (deep-fried)
With borscht on the side
Was used as hair oil in Assisi
My brother, who loves in Beirut,
Encountered a typo (minute)
He actually "lives",
Buy - hey now - what gives?
The "Whoops" button didn't reboot. with some chagrin, -Jux
My auntie, who lives in Tashkent
Has one curly leg slightly bent
While my uncle in Venice
Is nowt but a menace
Who once was arrested in Ghent
"Dear Sir, don't believe all you hear,"
The British do not love warm beer
Nor do they all dress
In the dark, nonetheless
It's well known that the men are all queer.
My sister, who works in Beijing,
Is confused 'cos it once was Peking
And my aunt in Firenze
Is all in a frenzy
'cause my uncle just left for Xiaoping
[Raak] Re: penultimate limerick. That was exactly the last line I had in mind, word for word.
A pleasant young chap from Osaka
Once sailed over Lake Titicaca
In the midst of this trip
Dislocated his hip
And loudly exclaimed, "Anta baka?"
On a raft in the midst of the ocean [Phil] Great minds etc.
Having run out of chamomile lotion
I tried using rum
And some barnacle gum
Applied with a rotary motion
A fearsome great beast, the gorilla
Attacking with sticks, like Attila
But with its own kin
It serves tonic , with gin
Imported each day from Manila
I stood all alone in the bunker
Above flew a bomb-carrying Junker
As I took my sand-wedge
My partner, that's Reg,
Imbibed and got steadily drunker
I just met a man in the street
Oi! you've just done that one in MCiOS With knobbly knees and large feet
His clown shoes and nose
And his three-foot-long toes
In the circus he'd go down a treat
I just met a man in the street [Rosie] Hmm?
Extolling the virtues of wheat
When asked as to why
He said: "I can't lie,"
"I love having corns on my feet"
[Darren] Ooooow.

If you should encounter a chugger

Be wary - he may be a bugger
And the smile on his face
Hides a life of disgrace
For he is Al Fayed, that fugger.
My spleen has a mind of its own
My kidneys do nothing but moan
But my Heart is still beating
My stomach repeating
And the naughty part down there is blown (I'll get the coat and hat myself, thank you...)
While scouring the world for perfection
I discovered this chocolate confection
Which does contain nuts
cocain and cold cuts
Now I'm two inches stouter midsection
The world is imperfect, alas
Ecosystems are fragile, like glass
[irach] Elegant end to the last one. Well done; have an e-biscuit :-)

With one final jolt

The earth will revolt
And kick us all in the ass as our American friends would say.
Americans? Vulgar? Not so!
Nor Britons all snobs, don'cha know
Though the rest of the lot, (Well, not me of course!)
Live in countries too hot
Or places all covered in snow
In Boston they dumped some fine tea
In December, Seventeen-Sev'nty-Three
Out into the bay
Without a tea tray
It tasted just like weak gnat's pee
My hairdresser chatters away (Softers) The strong stuff is OK. Tangy.
About how he's overtly gay
He's into high camp
His wig curled - like a vamp
And he thinks he's the Queen of the May
If it weren't for the mould on the ceiling
I would not have this strange, awkward feeling
That I am about
To be left without
Anywhere that is not damp and peeling.
Each weekend I pursue my hobby
And please, do not think I am snobby
I ride with the hunt
Ride a fine Oxford punt
I'm a toff - and I'm also quite gobby
The dribble that runs down my chin
Gives clues to the state I am in
If frothy it means

(See comments for a line 4 and 5 that jumped out on me)

I've had lunch - Ham and beans [S M] Keep on jumping!
And if not, then I've been at the gin.
I once knew a man from Macau
So yellow - but man - could he bow
But his pale jaundiced skin
And his body so thin
Meant he died - so no bowing for now
Now it's time to prepare for the end !
All the portents and signs that way tend!
Armageddon is nigh
So the soothsayers sigh
You've been posted, alas, to Southend.
The incredible edible egg!
Gives a lift, gives a hand, gives a leg,
Does not give a shit
If Beluga - it's a hit!
And it fits in so well with my keg! (beer-keg that is!)
I'm obliged to point out it's a fact
That dogs who sniff crotches lack tact
But one's pheromones
(The pong of your stones)
Won't stop them - they're caught in the act.
There once was a stone that was wet
In Workington that I would bet Not funny for the residents, I do pity them
It stood all alone
In a No Parking zone
And no-one has dried it off yet
I tried to install a new light
To make my front porch much more bright
But the fuse I did blow
So the light didn't glow
Will I live through this dark, dark, dark night?
I've survived, I'm awake, I'm alive,
Thanks to my sparky mate Clive
I owe him a fiver
As he was the driver
Who drove through the farmers beehive.
Impossible as it may sound
I'm floating three feet off the ground
My odd levitation
Defies explanation
(A bean-propelled jetpack I've found!)
So let's praise the virtues of flatus Jokes about old farts will be treated with caustic soda.
At least let us make a conatus
Strike an ode to one's gas
Which will come to pass
All hail to that which doth deflate us
"The problem," she said, "with your face,
Is your nose is in the wrong place."
And your eyes, either side
Look like eggs - lost and fried
Like Camilla a quite hopeless case
On Tuesday the thirteenth of May
French workers entered the fray
No one knows if they've left
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