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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Discharged its entire
Greasy load down on me - head to hips
The last three made me guffaw almost audibly here in the office.
There once was a man of the fens
Whose face was all covered in wens
This spotty visage
Clocked my décolletage
Having already clocked pen's. No guffawing, please.
There was an old man of the seas
Who enjoyed his shipboard high teas
He liked cream on his scones
And a skull with his bones
But no pie with his rate, if you please
There was an old man of the plains
Who prayed for the start of the rains
But a large inundation
Caused great consternation
Since Severn Trent buggered the mains.
A lady of uncertain age
Met an old man who lived in a cage
She said: "My dear man"
"I have lived in a can"
"As one must when on minimum wage"
A man with a Cheshire cat grin
A victim was of his own spin
But he knew in his heart
That he needed to fart
For it's better let out than kept in.
A lady constructed of iron
Was placed on a plinth on Mount Zion
Her mute ferric gaze
And Thatcherite ways
Is what Dave Camer-on keeps his eye on. Sorry about that.
A child made of sugar and spice
Her wedding will come at a price
But while she's a girl
Watch her hip, skip and twirl
And don't dwell on financial advice

Can't say I enjoyed the direction that limerick was taking - and it was beginning to annoy me - hence the mercy killing :-(
Young Mikey's a finicky lad
And also a terrible cad
He's fussily lewd
and not very shrewd
And Mondays he’s jerking like mad
It seems like a terrible waste [Chasty] Have you met Nemesis646?
Not to eat this delectable paste
But what makes me pause
Are these small waving claws
P'raps discretion is better than haste
There once was a curate of Ghent
Who put up a sign: "Faith for rent",
A passing young scholar
Hired a dog collar
And gave up his old ways for lent
There once was an old yoga master
At a bar with a Methodist pastor
One stood on his head
The other just bled
Their date was an utter disaster
*laughs out LOUD*
SWM, 34,
Offers cuddles, romance and much more I've read these in the past - does it show?
For nights out and in
Drinking tonic and gin
Just knock three times on the front door.
Sorry, forgot the line...
The skill to draw lines we must train
And how to make Bold learn again
The scansion dear friend,
One must not bend
Or we put in much work for small gain.
"It's enchanting to meet you, dear lady"
(I never thought that I'd meet Kate Adie)
You're said to be tough
And a bit of hot stuff
No wonder your chin’s a bit shady
I can't help but notice that bulge
In your midriff- could you please divulge?
Just why you're so fat
So lazy and a brat
And if I can in that indulge?
I know it's not Betjemen but I was seriously wondering where this was going...
Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! - [Botherererer] This is :)
But not on Maidenhead - for now
'Cos it is so pretty
Compared with White City - refusing to use the obvious rhyme
Does poetic licence allow?
There was a young chap from Nuneaton
Whose great-grandma was Mrs Beeton
And, what is more
Went on a grand tour - likewise refusing the obvious rhyme
Where she met a great bear and was eaten.
I just had a strange kind of tea [Raak] Ha ha
Three dear old ladies and me
We all shared a scone Pronunciation Alert!!
As we had but the one ...which rhymes perfectly in my household
No arsenic or old lace I see
A paste made of tuna and eggs
Is perfect for waxing the legs
Its H2S and amines
Applied every day means
You'll enjoy totally hairless square pegs
Oi you! Yes you - bloke on the left!
Need ya - not yer brains, just your heft
I've a thing here you'll see
That's much bigger than me
And my toe's being crushed. That's why I effed.
A man of the Scottish persuasion
Imbibed haggis at every occcasion
Its earthy bouquet [irach] Imbibed? Haggis?
And appearance risqué
When liquidized is quite amazin' [irach] Correcting the logic ;o)
I've got this idea in my head
I'm lying awake in my bed
I'm turning it over
And over and over
That insomnia's fatal, it's said.
Sleep came like a reluctant gift
As I entered a temporal rift
I started to dream
We were a good team
Me and my time-travelling lift
I finished this poem tomorrow
In a Tardis the Doc let me borrow
Inside it's so spacious
Not to say ostentatious
But it brought me back here to my sorrow...
You travel in time in your dreams
And it's all so confusing, it seems
And Freud made it worse/b>
Which is really perverse
Seeing Sigmund boff 'midst the timestreams
There was a young lady from Tring
Whose bell no-one ventured to ring
Until Uncle Andy
Found a French tickler handy
To do wonderful things to her thing Coat ...
This lady from Tring was no slouch
To this Uncle Andy will vouch
As he took her back home
In the bath - watch that foam !
She accepted and never said "Ouch!"
I once met the purest of maids
During one of the drug squad's house raids
Her stuff was so pure
And she so demure
"Coochie-Coo" she piddled on my suedes
The girl with the dishevelled hair
And the quite unfeasibly large pair
Posed nude for a mag
Which makes her a slag
And made quite a star of the chair let's move it along...
I looked in the mirror and thought
"This wig that I recently bought unfinished quote alert
seems to make me look odd
Like a cross between God
And an unkempt old dishevelled sot"
I just won a medal of gold
For an act that was truly quite bold
At Tiananmen Square
I wore, for a dare,
Some brogues bought in Stow-on-the-Wold.
The inclement weather today
Wind, rain and heavy cloud - grey
If you're wise - stay inside
Where your shoes can be dried
But don't throw the beach towel away A bit of an emergency finish... with optimism for more sunshine, geddit?
I should never have meddled with gold
This alchemy stuff's oversold
These mercury fumes
And sulphurous spumes
Made me bald and my face looking old
The wrinkles and lines on my face
Keep my rugged good looks in their place
These fine indentations
Give gals palpitations
And that's why they shun my embrace
A wizard, a sage and a witch
All gathered to summon a lich
It paused at the gate
Where its skeletal state
Was so bad that it fell in the ditch
September - so nice warm and dry,
Now rain doth pour from the sky
And now -- Christ! it's snowing!
The climate is going..........
...awry - now it's time kiss this summer goodbye!
....and scansion with it, I see.
A tropical hurricane, Ike
Has winds faster than I ride a bike
Except when pursued
By a bloke in the nude
Who thinks that I'm Natalie Pike
You cannot beat sausage and mash (Kim) McGonagall lives!
It's the best you can get for your cash
Whereas chips and fish
Is a very fine dish
When served on the front page of Flash
While tuning the new Cern collider
I got shitfaced on Diamond White cider
It had a strange charm
So I chanced my arm
Last night I had a 'big bang'
When I threw my brand new boomerang
As it hurtled back
Through the starry ink-black
It hit my head with a clang Fed up with this one sitting here, now quickly moving on ...
The things that one keeps in the loft
Are oft fluffy and cuddly and soft
So set a mouse trap
Among all that house crap
Then bin what the rodent half-scoffed.
An aardvark who imbibed ant-acid
Soon found his proboscis all flaccid
His face, it went red
Like litmus, it's said
Leaving him feeling quite placid
"Oh sir!" cried the maid in distress
"My pic's in the tabloidy press"
"I was at a party"
"Dressed up really tarty"
"In my scanty new 'see-through it' dress"
Tonight is the V.P. Debate
So will it seal Ms. Palin's fate?
Can a hockey mom whatever the hell that is
exhibit aplomb
When her kid's up the duff and out late.
The world of finance - it is tottering
We'll all be reducèd to squattering
While those "in the know"
Just rake in the dough
In a way that's very unflattering
My pockets are now filled with dough
I can feel the yeast making it grow
I'll have plenty of bread
Or else, in its stead
The bulge will make her eyes glow
The camera, it's said, never lies
Even if one dons disguise
Dolly Parton with beard
Or your face with clay smeared
Won't hide that you've ate all the pies
"Shall we move a bit nearer the fire?"
"The heat will inflame our desire"
"But what if the glow.. unfin
Starts to melt my big toe?"
Wouldn't that just be too dire?"
All Hallow's Eve was a treat
Except for my melted feet
i walked through the flames
'Cos it's one of my aims
My footprints to set on Fleet Street
A new president has been elected
His cabinet will soon be selected
And Hil'ry, no doubt It has been established in another place that non-smutty limerics rarely rhyme or scan properly
Will not be left out -
Thank goodness that Palin's rejected
A wind of change blows from the East [i,R,K,J,S] Bravo! Most salient
As bakers bake breads without yeast
Mamas noodles we cook
Into sticky gook
That's the supper that we like the least
A shortage of eager lim'rickers
A surfeit of scansion nitpickers
Some grammar pedants
Repeating their chants:
"Indefensible mouse-clickers."
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