mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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And so it begins....

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I solved the Last Problem of Fermat (Juxt) That doesn't come anywhere near a rhyme. i'm leaving mine in.

But writing quite large in [Rosie] Hmmm. I read Marc's line as While skiing one day in Zermatt (which I think puts the correct stress in the place name), not While skiing one day in Zermatt. I agree you need a pretty strong (perhaps American?) accent to rhyme it with 'pot', though.

So, come to think of it, I'll bifurcate:
But, sadly, inside / But writing quite large in

zermatt, the stressed syllable of which does indeed rhyme nicely with "pot" to a Yank.

A problem I spied/The edge of the margin

Made both my skis freeze on the spaht / Made me think of old Father Dermat

This is, apparently, the correct pronunciation - whatever accent one has :-)

In order to find my religion

I launched my best trained homing pigeon

She returned in a day

To show me the way

To Mecca. She erred by a smidgeon

[M, i, S and CdM] bravo :-)

While cleaning out my old chest freezer

To my horror, I found Julius Caesar

For a chap who was dead

He looked very well-fed

Though his stiffness so cold couldn’t please ‘er

Gather round, for I'll sing you a song!

"The Ballad of Fay and King Kong"

The note, maestro, please

Is the flattest of 'C's

Is the flattest of 'E's
Simons Mith - Could you gimme Big Ben for a bong?

According to my research, Big Ben was actually cast in E.
[Juxt] Hope you don't mind.

In order to sing out of tune

I borrowed a helium balloon

I then took a deep breath

Smoked a big hit of meth

Now I sound like Eccles the Goon

The trouble with playing E Flat [SM] no worries

Is it startles my neighbour's tomcat

When that beast starts to yowl

My dog starts to howl

So I clubbed them both with my bat

The problem with clubbing ones pet

Is rather large bills from the vet

Plus a call from the Plod

And the vengeance of God

And that's why I've not done it, yet

I think we should all have a party

Watson, let's not invite Moriarty

[irach] sorry to interrupt - but does your line scan - like really? Or is it just me that's having difficulty. I'm surprised - because you're usually spot-on in scansionland.

[Chalky] it scans for me: Watson, let's not invite Moriarty.
Mrs Hudson will strip

[Chalky] Sorry to offend. But Phil seems to feel the same way I did on the scansion when penning...er, posting the line.

Brut Champagne we will sip

[Phil, irach] - yesyesyes, I get the stress marks that Phil kindly html-ed - I just don't get the hurried Watson word. No offence taken, or indeed intended. Just curious.

Never realized she was so tarty

In Vienna they bake a nice tart

It's almost refined to an art

Delicious pastry

Seasoned tastily Japanese pronunciation invoked in desperation.

That's sold in the streets from a cart

In order to gain his affection

She covered herself in confection

[Two lims back] I too find it tricky to read limerick lines with two syllables before the first stress... It seems more natural to me to have one, as in dah DAH... as otherwise the first two have to be rushed together. For me. I guess that's why this thrives as a spoken form :)
And now, because I hate breaking up the bold stuff (though not enough not to do it...)
Chalky - In order to gain his affection
blamelewis - She covered herself in confection

With sweet chocolate bits

She covered her tits

Which sweetly caught his attention Tut, tut, Chalky

Surely the last line should be "Which gave him a stonking erection"?....coat!

There once was a gingerbread man

Who attempted to dance the can-can

But sadly the heat [Softers] I hope you're not tut-tutting the fourth line. That isn't me.

Melted both of his feet

So his pants now adorn Notre Dame

My blood-sugar level is low Is Chasty a newbie then? ;)

On a saccharine binge I must go

Which won't help at all Why is everyone shouting their name?

As it's sugar's f-all

Let's 'ave Anisette de Bordeaux...

There was a young man from Korea Can everyone hear me?

Who suffered Huntington's chorea

The symptoms, I'm told

Are sad to behold

In the head of Alfredo Garcia

My aunt suffers terrible pains

She has gout and god-awful chilbains

She sought herbal cures

For the aches she endures

But they failed, and the problem remains. 'Orrible, but chacun à son gout, I s'pose.

When Smaug caught a terrible cold

Argh, forgot the boldface. Let's try that again:

When Smaug caught a terrible cold

Middle Earth's fate didst unfold

Those horrible sneezes

Caused feculent breezes

And a greenhouse effect yet untold

Let's dance, you and I, in the buff.

Our shoes and our smiles is enough

As we shimmy and shake

Perhaps it will slake

The carnal needs of the rough

Let's toss off a rapid mazurka

Not easy when wearing a burka . . . . lucky old mazurka. . . .

Enshrouded in gloom

Amidst a simoom

And reading the Socialist Worker ...and they say multiculturalism doesn't work...

There once was a student from Kent

Whose member was upwardly bent

So he put it to use

Aiming the juice . . . .disgusting . . .

In a cup to be used after Lent Yuk!

I'm hoping to get a donation

Of blood for transubstantiation

But to rent a messiah

Would be courting hellfire

'Cos nowadays they're mostly Asian.

An imp who liked dwelling in boxes

Was discovered and eaten by foxes

But his devilish ghost

Could nonetheless boast

That their tails were bushier than ox's.

There's nothing but trash on the telly

As you watch it, your brain turns to jelly

So grasp the remote

Stretch open your throat

And pour more beer in your belly

Beware of the snake in the grass

It'll worm its way right up your arse

In contrast,the ant

Is no sycophant

And is proportionately stronger by mass

Tonight is the night, I am sure

I'll wine 'er and dine 'er and woo 'er

And should I succeed

A prophylactic I'll need

Which after I'll flush down the sewer

He stood ankle deep in the sewer

Wished the rats swarming round were much fewer

The stench, too, was vile

Yet one thing made him smile:

A young lady approached and he knew her

Her Maj's Inspector of Taxes

Gets many abusive faxes

But why should he care?

'Cause I don't. So there. - truly - I don't

As long as my bank account waxes.

The moon, oh she waxes and wanes

She beguiles those who love in dark lanes

When these moonstruck entwine

You can see the moon shine

By the light of far fusion-fueled flames. Try saying that three times quickly.

My washing line is a catenary

Supplying railway machinery

Hmmm... I thought I posted this comment before, but maybe I just previewed. Anyway, [SW], maybe I am missing something, but I simply cannot make sense of your line as a follow-up to Rosie's. And judging by the silence here, neither can anyone else...

The purple giraffe

Is good for a laugh

And greatly enhances the scenery. (CdM) Possibly, but he could be referring to those little chains that used to connect loose-coupled wagons. Anyway, I've broken all the rules by ending this one and nearly did so earlier, my first line being a bit too technical, perhaps.

The funniest limerick written

Is about a pair of blue mittens

Or, perhaps, just the one? irony invoked

With a hole in its thumb?

Gnawed on by a pair of blue kittens

The distance from here to Kentucky

May be leapt in one jump by the plucky

Just settle your stance,

Aim squarely for France

And you'll get there on time if you're lucky

There was a young man from Brazil [CdM, Rosie] actually, I was referring to one of these

Who decided to write his own will

"Mi Testamento", he began

To ten sides of foolscap it ran (Softers) I'd forgotten about those wires and so had CdM, possibly. I'm not into electrics, as you know. :-)

With scansion that made readers ill.

A crusty curmudgeon from Dover

Always puked when he heard "The Wild Rover"

'Cos his car was a Metro

Its styling so retro

With a failed MOT moreover

I drive a Mercedes-Benz well, not really

Old, with knocking big ends

Its top speed is thirty

Its air filter's dirty

But ya gotta keep up with the trends

An Escort estate is my steed

I've started to run it on mead

The fumes really stink

Like me, after drink

But it goes like a honey on speed

A Dutchman called Maurice van Hoote 2 syllabubs in Hoote.

Wore clogs that war werkelijk te groote

Zij kwetsen zijn voeten

Werstopft wurst van Hooten Flamish dialect warning!

Hij stempelde helemaal over het fruit Slightly dodgy flow warning!

Can we do a bifurcated Limerick that at least scans in two languages at once? If it rhymes in both languages too, then so much the better, but I reckon rhyming in one language would be enough.
Un loup-garou mangeait un chat - A werewolf was eating a cat

Qu'il a pris dans un sous-sol, à bas - Which he found in a sub-basement flat
Sounds like an idea for the Wretchedly Difficult Poetry game on Orange

Quand tout à coup - When quite suddenly

Il dit "Je m'en fous" - Said "Bovvered? Not me" Don't ask me to try one in Welsh. 5 lines out of 5 is a bad form, and my Dad would turn in his grave.:-)

"Est ce ce que je fais que cela!" - "This is what I do - and that's that !"

Beware of the were-armadillo!

For example, Michael Portillo

Was bit on the knee

As he went out to pee

On the range near the town, Amarillo

In Esher they often do say

That a moron is born every day btw, congrats to everyone in the bilingual limerick - bloody marvellous!

In Egham, meanwhile

High achievement's in style

Unless pissed, when they fall in the Wey.

Oi! Waiter! This soup's ruddy cold!

Your tip, my good man, is on hold

The gratuity's due

But it ain't for you

So hot up your pace - you've been told!
I'm sure there's a witty finish to this stalled* limerick - but as no-one has ventured one, you'll have to accept my dull offering.

*< musing > It's strange how some limericks simply run out of steam. In this instance, despite a lively start, lines 3 and 4 merely re-iterated line 2, offering no real development of the idea/story, leaving us with no where to go. < /musing >

So we need to develop the plot

Whether it thickens or not

So develop the tale

Or Chalky will wail

But make sure your scansion is hot!

That's a whole different kettle of fish

(That's fish in a pot, not a dish)

So boil up your cod

Freshly caught on a rod

I'm sure it will turn out delish

I say! Is that blood on your hand?

Or are you just overly tanned?

Your skin is so red

Is anyone dead?

Did you take out the man that you planned?

Hurry along now, nothing to see here.

Strategy is a technique

'Tho sometimes appearing oblique

Choosing tactics to use

will never excuse

Just guessing in moments of pique I fear that may have strayed into being too vague & abstract

If you're uncertain, just guess Opposite-limerick experiment

You're sure to be right, more or less

Thus, my prediction

turns out to be fiction [Juxtapose] Did you mean backwards, or something else?

Please tell me if No or if Yes?

I’m sure Easter Bunnies lay egg

Such bunnies, they say, have two leg

With chocolate ears

They don't so well hears

Poor things - they're simply the dreg.

In anger I say, "Son of gun!" Continuing with "deliberately bad grammar" theme

"You've stolen my last Hot Cross Bun!"

Your greed, it are frightful

Proceed, that's so spiteful

You bastard - Attila the Hun! Swiftly moving on wishing you all a nice April-fools day

There once was a plumber from Lodz careful.... :-)

Who worked as a conjuror's stodz

His rabbits, he found

Kept on going to ground

And they'd use the town's drains for refyodz

When selecting a verse's last word

From whimsy be not deterred

Nor sarcastic or trite

Rather witty than bright

And genius will be inferred

The Lim'rick's a wonderful verse

With a range from whimsical to terse

In which we display

Our skills every day

'Tho sometimes our scansion is worse

While Edward Lear turns in his grave

Say 'Bah' to the form - misbehave!

Au contraire, I insist

With perfection persist

To scansion and rhyme be a slave

The moon, as it waxes and wanes

Elicits weird urges in Danes

Their flesh gets too solid

Their conscience too stolid

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