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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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And serve them with French fries and peas
When I began cooking a crow
I heated the coals to a glow
I placed it with care (CdM, S, B) Vicious - brilliant.
'Cos I wanted it rare
I like it like that, cooked just so - Thanks R
I really think I am a maven
Quite expert at sexing a raven
The dif'rence, you see,
Is the way that they pee I had to.
Plus the girls are Brazilian shaven
Trad - There was a young lady from Spain
Who loved to go out in the rain
She'd get soaked to the skin
'Cos her tee-shirt was thin drool....
I do wish she'd do it again If you can't beat 'em, join 'em
A hairy old codger from York
Assaulted a nun with a spork
Her re-tal-i-a-tion
Without hesitation
Was to pray for his balls on a fork
That saucy young widow from Slough
Made a solemn and celibate vow
That she'd ne'er again
Have sex. (Except when
Rancher Eason's bull mounted a cow)
Bring me the head of Alfredo Fantastic stuff on the Film Club page at the moment
Garcia, a Triumph Toledo [Bigs] Forcing ...
Some Kendal Mint Cake
A pack of Snopake®
And a ticket for something by Feydeau.
While skiing one day in Zermatt
I chanced on a leprechaun's pot
I solved the Last Problem of Fermat (Juxt) That doesn't come anywhere near a rhyme. i'm leaving mine in.
But writing quite large in [Rosie] Hmmm. I read Marc's line as While skiing one day in Zermatt (which I think puts the correct stress in the place name), not While skiing one day in Zermatt. I agree you need a pretty strong (perhaps American?) accent to rhyme it with 'pot', though.
So, come to think of it, I'll bifurcate:
But, sadly, inside / But writing quite large in
zermatt, the stressed syllable of which does indeed rhyme nicely with "pot" to a Yank.
A problem I spied/The edge of the margin
Made both my skis freeze on the spaht / Made me think of old Father Dermat

This is, apparently, the correct pronunciation - whatever accent one has :-)
In order to find my religion
I launched my best trained homing pigeon
She returned in a day
To show me the way
To Mecca. She erred by a smidgeon
[M, i, S and CdM] bravo :-)
While cleaning out my old chest freezer
To my horror, I found Julius Caesar
For a chap who was dead
He looked very well-fed
Though his stiffness so cold couldn’t please ‘er
Gather round, for I'll sing you a song!
"The Ballad of Fay and King Kong"
The note, maestro, please
Is the flattest of 'C's
Is the flattest of 'E's
Simons Mith - Could you gimme Big Ben for a bong?

According to my research, Big Ben was actually cast in E.
[Juxt] Hope you don't mind.

In order to sing out of tune
I borrowed a helium balloon
I then took a deep breath
Smoked a big hit of meth
Now I sound like Eccles the Goon
The trouble with playing E Flat [SM] no worries
Is it startles my neighbour's tomcat
When that beast starts to yowl
My dog starts to howl
So I clubbed them both with my bat
The problem with clubbing ones pet
Is rather large bills from the vet
Plus a call from the Plod
And the vengeance of God
And that's why I've not done it, yet
I think we should all have a party
Watson, let's not invite Moriarty
[irach] sorry to interrupt - but does your line scan - like really? Or is it just me that's having difficulty. I'm surprised - because you're usually spot-on in scansionland.
[Chalky] it scans for me: Watson, let's not invite Moriarty.
Mrs Hudson will strip
[Chalky] Sorry to offend. But Phil seems to feel the same way I did on the scansion when penning...er, posting the line.
Brut Champagne we will sip
[Phil, irach] - yesyesyes, I get the stress marks that Phil kindly html-ed - I just don't get the hurried Watson word. No offence taken, or indeed intended. Just curious.
Never realized she was so tarty
In Vienna they bake a nice tart
It's almost refined to an art
Delicious pastry
Seasoned tastily Japanese pronunciation invoked in desperation.
That's sold in the streets from a cart
In order to gain his affection
She covered herself in confection
[Two lims back] I too find it tricky to read limerick lines with two syllables before the first stress... It seems more natural to me to have one, as in dah DAH... as otherwise the first two have to be rushed together. For me. I guess that's why this thrives as a spoken form :)
And now, because I hate breaking up the bold stuff (though not enough not to do it...)
Chalky - In order to gain his affection
blamelewis - She covered herself in confection
With sweet chocolate bits
She covered her tits
Which sweetly caught his attention Tut, tut, Chalky
Surely the last line should be "Which gave him a stonking erection"?....coat!
There once was a gingerbread man
Who attempted to dance the can-can
But sadly the heat [Softers] I hope you're not tut-tutting the fourth line. That isn't me.
Melted both of his feet
So his pants now adorn Notre Dame
My blood-sugar level is low Is Chasty a newbie then? ;)
On a saccharine binge I must go
Which won't help at all Why is everyone shouting their name?
As it's sugar's f-all
Let's 'ave Anisette de Bordeaux...
There was a young man from Korea Can everyone hear me?
Who suffered Huntington's chorea
The symptoms, I'm told
Are sad to behold
In the head of Alfredo Garcia
My aunt suffers terrible pains
She has gout and god-awful chilbains
She sought herbal cures
For the aches she endures
But they failed, and the problem remains. 'Orrible, but chacun à son gout, I s'pose.
When Smaug caught a terrible cold
Argh, forgot the boldface. Let's try that again:
When Smaug caught a terrible cold
Middle Earth's fate didst unfold
Those horrible sneezes
Caused feculent breezes
And a greenhouse effect yet untold
Let's dance, you and I, in the buff.
Our shoes and our smiles is enough
As we shimmy and shake
Perhaps it will slake
The carnal needs of the rough
Let's toss off a rapid mazurka
Not easy when wearing a burka . . . . lucky old mazurka. . . .
Enshrouded in gloom
Amidst a simoom
And reading the Socialist Worker ...and they say multiculturalism doesn't work...
There once was a student from Kent
Whose member was upwardly bent
So he put it to use
Aiming the juice . . . .disgusting . . .
In a cup to be used after Lent Yuk!
I'm hoping to get a donation
Of blood for transubstantiation
But to rent a messiah
Would be courting hellfire
'Cos nowadays they're mostly Asian.
An imp who liked dwelling in boxes
Was discovered and eaten by foxes
But his devilish ghost
Could nonetheless boast
That their tails were bushier than ox's.
There's nothing but trash on the telly
As you watch it, your brain turns to jelly
So grasp the remote
Stretch open your throat
And pour more beer in your belly
Beware of the snake in the grass
It'll worm its way right up your arse
In contrast,the ant
Is no sycophant
And is proportionately stronger by mass
Tonight is the night, I am sure
I'll wine 'er and dine 'er and woo 'er
And should I succeed
A prophylactic I'll need
Which after I'll flush down the sewer
He stood ankle deep in the sewer
Wished the rats swarming round were much fewer
The stench, too, was vile
Yet one thing made him smile:
A young lady approached and he knew her
Her Maj's Inspector of Taxes
Gets many abusive faxes
But why should he care?
'Cause I don't. So there. - truly - I don't
As long as my bank account waxes.
The moon, oh she waxes and wanes
She beguiles those who love in dark lanes
When these moonstruck entwine
You can see the moon shine
By the light of far fusion-fueled flames. Try saying that three times quickly.
My washing line is a catenary
Supplying railway machinery
Hmmm... I thought I posted this comment before, but maybe I just previewed. Anyway, [SW], maybe I am missing something, but I simply cannot make sense of your line as a follow-up to Rosie's. And judging by the silence here, neither can anyone else...
The purple giraffe
Is good for a laugh
And greatly enhances the scenery. (CdM) Possibly, but he could be referring to those little chains that used to connect loose-coupled wagons. Anyway, I've broken all the rules by ending this one and nearly did so earlier, my first line being a bit too technical, perhaps.
The funniest limerick written
Is about a pair of blue mittens
Or, perhaps, just the one? irony invoked
With a hole in its thumb?
Gnawed on by a pair of blue kittens
The distance from here to Kentucky
May be leapt in one jump by the plucky
Just settle your stance,
Aim squarely for France
And you'll get there on time if you're lucky
There was a young man from Brazil [CdM, Rosie] actually, I was referring to one of these
Who decided to write his own will
"Mi Testamento", he began
To ten sides of foolscap it ran (Softers) I'd forgotten about those wires and so had CdM, possibly. I'm not into electrics, as you know. :-)
With scansion that made readers ill.
A crusty curmudgeon from Dover
Always puked when he heard "The Wild Rover"
'Cos his car was a Metro
Its styling so retro
With a failed MOT moreover
I drive a Mercedes-Benz well, not really
Old, with knocking big ends
Its top speed is thirty
Its air filter's dirty
But ya gotta keep up with the trends
An Escort estate is my steed
I've started to run it on mead
The fumes really stink
Like me, after drink
But it goes like a honey on speed
A Dutchman called Maurice van Hoote 2 syllabubs in Hoote.
Wore clogs that war werkelijk te groote
Zij kwetsen zijn voeten
Werstopft wurst van Hooten Flamish dialect warning!
Hij stempelde helemaal over het fruit Slightly dodgy flow warning!
Can we do a bifurcated Limerick that at least scans in two languages at once? If it rhymes in both languages too, then so much the better, but I reckon rhyming in one language would be enough.
Un loup-garou mangeait un chat - A werewolf was eating a cat
Qu'il a pris dans un sous-sol, à bas - Which he found in a sub-basement flat
Sounds like an idea for the Wretchedly Difficult Poetry game on Orange
Quand tout à coup - When quite suddenly
Il dit "Je m'en fous" - Said "Bovvered? Not me" Don't ask me to try one in Welsh. 5 lines out of 5 is a bad form, and my Dad would turn in his grave.:-)
"Est ce ce que je fais que cela!" - "This is what I do - and that's that !"
Beware of the were-armadillo!
For example, Michael Portillo
Was bit on the knee
As he went out to pee
On the range near the town, Amarillo
In Esher they often do say
That a moron is born every day btw, congrats to everyone in the bilingual limerick - bloody marvellous!
In Egham, meanwhile
High achievement's in style
Unless pissed, when they fall in the Wey.
Oi! Waiter! This soup's ruddy cold!
Your tip, my good man, is on hold
The gratuity's due
But it ain't for you
So hot up your pace - you've been told!
I'm sure there's a witty finish to this stalled* limerick - but as no-one has ventured one, you'll have to accept my dull offering.
*< musing > It's strange how some limericks simply run out of steam. In this instance, despite a lively start, lines 3 and 4 merely re-iterated line 2, offering no real development of the idea/story, leaving us with no where to go. < /musing >
So we need to develop the plot
Whether it thickens or not
So develop the tale
Or Chalky will wail
But make sure your scansion is hot!
That's a whole different kettle of fish
(That's fish in a pot, not a dish)
So boil up your cod
Freshly caught on a rod
I'm sure it will turn out delish
I say! Is that blood on your hand?
Or are you just overly tanned?
Your skin is so red
Is anyone dead?
Did you take out the man that you planned?
Hurry along now, nothing to see here.
Strategy is a technique
'Tho sometimes appearing oblique
Choosing tactics to use
will never excuse
Just guessing in moments of pique I fear that may have strayed into being too vague & abstract
If you're uncertain, just guess Opposite-limerick experiment
You're sure to be right, more or less
Thus, my prediction
turns out to be fiction [Juxtapose] Did you mean backwards, or something else?
Please tell me if No or if Yes?
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