mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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And so it begins....

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Bellows over the South

"Head North for famine from feast"

I flee all political views

In my 'No Idea How To Vote' shoes

I'm not sure where I stand

They're all so bloomin' bland

But one of them will win, so choose.

The cattle I find in my bed

Have deposited freshly-baked bread

And other stuff, too

Think this brown stuff is poo

But at least it's a pat on the head (forgive me)

The hottest of anchovy soup

Reminds me, frankly, of poop.

But cold kedgeree

Has class pedigree

At curing small babies of croup *
* This is not medical advice. The author is not a qualified physician.

Whilst wand'ring alone in The Weald

I made sure to keep my eyes peeled

For Red Riding Hood

Who's up to no good

With Nick Fury, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

When I met with my putative wife

I just could not envision the strife

Of tying the knot

With a 'she' who was not
So I dumped him and got a new life .. moving swiftly on

The diaries of Siegfried Sassoon

Are best played on the contra-bassoon

Or otherwise said

(Preferably, read)

By the light of a silvery moon

I'd rather a dinner of herbs

Than eat koljivo like the Serbs

For basil and thyme

Their taste so sublime

Can be found by most countryside kerbs

There's something suspicious in here

It looks like a worm in my beer

I'd best get it out

(Any forceps about?)

I think I've been sold a bum steer

The natural home of the worm

Is within the Medusian perm

It is annelid heaven

For 24/7

But not during Michaelmas Term

I'm told there is no antidote

To the bite of the Anglican Stoat

But the Mormon Vole's bite

Gives no need for fright

Dabbed with milk from a Methodist goat

The Kiss of the Womanly Spider

Smacks of the real venom inside her

Beware her octet

Or you will soon get

An oscular/eating collider phew. Next!

On a charabanc trip to the sea

We all took our own flask of tea/B>

We topped it with Rum<

And were thus overcome

And woke up in south Tennessee collider? I just met 'er!

The weather has called me away

Now I'm away, I may stay

Til I run out of socks

In my travelling box

'Cos I'm not gonna wash 'em, no way.

How on earth do you undo this knot?

Hard tightened and smeared with green snot,

Which ere long will harden

If left in the garden

The famed Gordian knot it is not

While eating a piece of fresh cod

Which I'd recently caught on my rod

A bone in the fish

That I'd placed in a dish

Had a foot and ten toes, ain’t that odd?

While drinking a rotten peach tea

I was gripped by a deep urge to pee

So much so that I

Let out a great cry:

"Look out, please make way for me!"

I love all the boils of your face

Each pustule, each zit, has its place

Your myriad diseases

And mucousy sneezes

Oh, how they do make my heart race! Well, at least I have tachycardia.

One's encounters with tropical sprue Continuing a medical theme....

One fervently hopes to be few

Typhoid and malaria

Can lay waste an area

There's naught worse than aqueous poo I'll get me coat

Hmmmm. Two 'poo's and a 'pee' in my last six postings. And my wife just bought me a 'wii' for my 40th. Wonder if there's a connection.

I have purchased an elephant's foot

I know not where it to put (ISP) She knows you well. You're a lucky man.

Or up with how much

Or whether and such

‘cause it’s hopping around, won’t stay put

A cuppa, a sit and a bun

When all the paperwork's done

Are you sure you meant "sit"?

Reflect for a bit

Meanwhile, I'll just pour a fresh one

Cash, dollar, loot, pennies, spondoolies

Alas, they're unknown to most coolies (pen) You will not tempt me into testicular references, but watch the 5th line. :-)

For them it's just barter Touché, Rosie ;o)

A note's a non-starter

But useful when shopping in Woollies

The time has arrived - celebrate!

I've worked out how to reincarnate!

I'll be back in a tick

As my new self, Old Nick

Now at last I'll take hold of my fate!

He locked us all into the shed

Looked us straight in the eye and then said:

"You all share one eye!"

"Is it Cyclops I spy?"

Our collective look killed - now he's dead

On slaying a mythical beast

The druids decided to feast

On roast gryphon wings

Or cherubims rings coat!

Or the tail of a ferret at least

Impractical thoughts such as mine

Deal with thou beside me and wine

For this combination

- salacious libation -

The finger writes; having writ, dines.

There's no wind but we sail anyway

So far, we have not left the bay.

Becalmed as we are

We can't go very far

And we'll be in the doldrums all day

Suddenly, there's a hurricane......

We battle 'gainst wind, wave and foam

In quest of a land to call "home"

In the teeth of the gale

We shall always prevail

Till we settle and nevermore roam

I have something between my two legs

So ladies, hang on to your eggs!

Lest fertilisation (Phil) You're dir'y.

Should lead to gestation

You'll look like this pair of beer-kegs?

A girl in a suit can look dapper

Especially one who's a tapper (i.e. tap dancer)

But a man in a skirt

Who chances to flirt

Will never pull more than a slapper. Rather surpising that this one has hung around for so long so I've taken the liberty.

My gosh, it's already July! thank you, Rosie.

I'm late, I really must fly!

Heathrow, here I come

I'll fly to Dum Dum [Calcutta's airport, that is]

I prefer the monsoon to the dry!

If you start, then you've started - that's good.

If you haven't, I wish that you would!

If you're already done

Or perhaps you've just come

To a halt; well, you did what you could.

While turning gold back to base metal

I watched the gold dust neatly settle

Into ingots of lead

So I thought, but instead

I made tea from hot water in t'kettle

Enough is enough is enough

Especially if one's feeling rough

Then enough can return

From which I discern

I'll undress and post this in the bough.

I now have a vision of Raak Hope you don't mind us having a little sport, old bean.

But only if viewed from the back

When viewed from the front an early candidate for Feedline of the Month

(I'll just have to be blunt)

There's something he appears to lack no offence...

Penelope feareth no man

(Please keep it clean, if you can)

For her feminine wiles

May bring forth many smiles

As she's known for her famous can-can

I want you to tell me the truth

Are you Valerie, Mabel or Ruth?

It's so hard to tell

Which is which gel Don'cha know

"My name's Harry, a gender bent youth"

I'm afflicted with six insect bites

I've been tasted by fleas, ticks and mites

'Tis the swamp that they seek

But havoc they wreak

Is something my hygiene invites. Sniffs armpit - poo.

The present is never the present

It's past for cooked geese or cooked pheasant

What the future beholds

Influenza and colds no doubt

Seize the day, for this morning, 'tis pleasant.

Well, Elvis is dead - but alive

At least amongst those who can jive

But why do they wear

So much lard in their hair?

When will Grecian 2000 arrive?

A pack of the very best plugs

Costs more than its weight in hard drugs

They're more galvanising

So it's not so surprising

That they come recommended by Suggs

Are these 'mobile phone' gadgets a fad?

And do i-Pods turn good children bad?

Or are they besotted

Besmeared and tight knotted

This Hi-Tech will drive us all mad.

I look in the mirror. Who's this?

It's me? Your taking the piss!

I was young looking smart

And had mastered the art

Of toilet bowl game "hit or miss"

I once met a nun from Milan

Who wanted to start her own clan

Both Sisters and Brothers

And uncertain "others"

Said "Dad's a McLeod, and me gran". So the whole thing just went down the pan.

A tenor who sang in Modena

Perhaps should have been a bit leaner

With angels he's singing

Adagio, bringing
[Don't quite see why Marc's perfectly reasonable line should stall things for more than a week. It's not like the word 'singing' lacks rhymes …]

Huge joy in his heav'nly arena
... [SM] quite - I'm assuming lack of lean-ness equates to death-ness [angels]. Moving swifterly on ...

I'm not sure if I'll find the time

Or the inspiration sublime

To take part in this game ;-)

In the hope of great fame

And escape from my life's grit and grime

But fame will not change me a jot

At least, I assume it will not

But in the limelight

I will get the rhyme right!

And the scansion, and grammar, and plot.

A young lad from Lytham St Annes

Had a penchant for stealing white vans

Which he'd drive at great speed

While puffing some weed

And swigging cheap beer from its cans

I've just spent a week on the tube

And all rails I have greased with fresh lube

I've cleaned all the tiles

Overhauled the turnstiles

And swept up all hairs of the pube

While studying the surface of Mars

I observed some deposits of tars

Which made me examine

The dictionary to find another word to rhyme

The famine that's caused by catarrhs Tut tut...

Re: Rhymes - I confess that 'famine' was the only word I could come up with. How to keep that in the context of Mars had me completely foxed, which was why I didn't post. I'm sure Chalky had something in mind...

Bob Marley was famous for jammin' for example...

Tho' some thought he always was hammin'

A funk rastafarin [IS,P, pen] True, but in context?

Cussin' and swearin' "This pit that I am in" would have been a perfectly acceptable line, I think. IS,P had it right: if you can't think of a rhyme, then let others have a try, at least until a couple of days have gone by.

He'd go out and sing somethin' damnin'

[Software] Thought I'd wait until the last one was complete before I made a comment ... all I can do is fully concur with IS,P's remark and pennylope/irach/Darren's contributions and, not least, CdM of the Wise Words. Patience, man!

Incredible sights can be seen

From the Moon, if your eyesight is keen

For instance, the earth

Is certainly worth

One pound 'cause it's made from cheese that is green

Whenever you think you are right

Beware if your wife is in sight

You'll probably find

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