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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Stand on just your two feet
And pretend we have freedom of thought
Forgive me for turning up late
For I know that is rude on a date
I had to make sure
You'd get here before
me, for I'm too impatient to wait. Rather glad to have finally disposed of this one.
[Rosie] Indeed, a week is a long time in limericks. I have stared fruitlessly at this one on numerous occasions. Good finish, I thought, under the circs.
His Highness, George Dubbleyer Bush
Has proclaimed, "We need just one more push!"
To win in the war
For oil, (we need more) (ISP) Not one of my best but cheers, anyway.
Shh! Condoleezza says that's hush-hush making the best of a bad job .. swiftly moving on...
The largesse of old Tony Blair
Has taken a decade to share
But soon he'll step down
For that twat Gordon Brown
But (by that point) nobody'll care!
[UK] Why not "no-one'll care"? Much better scansion.

The Party Political Beast

Once went West, but is now heading East
Its ravenous mouth
Bellows over the South
"Head North for famine from feast"
I flee all political views
In my 'No Idea How To Vote' shoes
I'm not sure where I stand
They're all so bloomin' bland
But one of them will win, so choose.
The cattle I find in my bed
Have deposited freshly-baked bread
And other stuff, too
Think this brown stuff is poo
But at least it's a pat on the head (forgive me)
The hottest of anchovy soup
Reminds me, frankly, of poop.
But cold kedgeree
Has class pedigree
At curing small babies of croup *
* This is not medical advice. The author is not a qualified physician.
Whilst wand'ring alone in The Weald
I made sure to keep my eyes peeled
For Red Riding Hood
Who's up to no good
With Nick Fury, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
When I met with my putative wife
I just could not envision the strife
Of tying the knot
With a 'she' who was not
So I dumped him and got a new life .. moving swiftly on
The diaries of Siegfried Sassoon
Are best played on the contra-bassoon
Or otherwise said
(Preferably, read)
By the light of a silvery moon
I'd rather a dinner of herbs
Than eat koljivo like the Serbs
For basil and thyme
Their taste so sublime
Can be found by most countryside kerbs
There's something suspicious in here
It looks like a worm in my beer
I'd best get it out
(Any forceps about?)
I think I've been sold a bum steer
The natural home of the worm
Is within the Medusian perm
It is annelid heaven
For 24/7
But not during Michaelmas Term
I'm told there is no antidote
To the bite of the Anglican Stoat
But the Mormon Vole's bite
Gives no need for fright
Dabbed with milk from a Methodist goat
The Kiss of the Womanly Spider
Smacks of the real venom inside her
Beware her octet
Or you will soon get
An oscular/eating collider phew. Next!
On a charabanc trip to the sea
We all took our own flask of tea/B>
We topped it with Rum<
And were thus overcome
And woke up in south Tennessee collider? I just met 'er!
The weather has called me away
Now I'm away, I may stay
Til I run out of socks
In my travelling box
'Cos I'm not gonna wash 'em, no way.
How on earth do you undo this knot?
Hard tightened and smeared with green snot,
Which ere long will harden
If left in the garden
The famed Gordian knot it is not
While eating a piece of fresh cod
Which I'd recently caught on my rod
A bone in the fish
That I'd placed in a dish
Had a foot and ten toes, ain’t that odd?
While drinking a rotten peach tea
I was gripped by a deep urge to pee
So much so that I
Let out a great cry:
"Look out, please make way for me!"
I love all the boils of your face
Each pustule, each zit, has its place
Your myriad diseases
And mucousy sneezes
Oh, how they do make my heart race! Well, at least I have tachycardia.
One's encounters with tropical sprue Continuing a medical theme....
One fervently hopes to be few
Typhoid and malaria
Can lay waste an area
There's naught worse than aqueous poo I'll get me coat
Hmmmm. Two 'poo's and a 'pee' in my last six postings. And my wife just bought me a 'wii' for my 40th. Wonder if there's a connection.
I have purchased an elephant's foot
I know not where it to put (ISP) She knows you well. You're a lucky man.
Or up with how much
Or whether and such
‘cause it’s hopping around, won’t stay put
A cuppa, a sit and a bun
When all the paperwork's done
Are you sure you meant "sit"?
Reflect for a bit
Meanwhile, I'll just pour a fresh one
Cash, dollar, loot, pennies, spondoolies
Alas, they're unknown to most coolies (pen) You will not tempt me into testicular references, but watch the 5th line. :-)
For them it's just barter Touché, Rosie ;o)
A note's a non-starter
But useful when shopping in Woollies
The time has arrived - celebrate!
I've worked out how to reincarnate!
I'll be back in a tick
As my new self, Old Nick
Now at last I'll take hold of my fate!
He locked us all into the shed
Looked us straight in the eye and then said:
"You all share one eye!"
"Is it Cyclops I spy?"
Our collective look killed - now he's dead
On slaying a mythical beast
The druids decided to feast
On roast gryphon wings
Or cherubims rings coat!
Or the tail of a ferret at least
Impractical thoughts such as mine
Deal with thou beside me and wine
For this combination
- salacious libation -
The finger writes; having writ, dines.
There's no wind but we sail anyway
So far, we have not left the bay.
Becalmed as we are
We can't go very far
And we'll be in the doldrums all day
Suddenly, there's a hurricane......

We battle 'gainst wind, wave and foam

In quest of a land to call "home"
In the teeth of the gale
We shall always prevail
Till we settle and nevermore roam
I have something between my two legs
So ladies, hang on to your eggs!
Lest fertilisation (Phil) You're dir'y.
Should lead to gestation
You'll look like this pair of beer-kegs?
A girl in a suit can look dapper
Especially one who's a tapper (i.e. tap dancer)
But a man in a skirt
Who chances to flirt
Will never pull more than a slapper. Rather surpising that this one has hung around for so long so I've taken the liberty.
My gosh, it's already July! thank you, Rosie.
I'm late, I really must fly!
Heathrow, here I come
I'll fly to Dum Dum [Calcutta's airport, that is]
I prefer the monsoon to the dry!
If you start, then you've started - that's good.
If you haven't, I wish that you would!
If you're already done
Or perhaps you've just come
To a halt; well, you did what you could.
While turning gold back to base metal
I watched the gold dust neatly settle
Into ingots of lead
So I thought, but instead
I made tea from hot water in t'kettle
Enough is enough is enough
Especially if one's feeling rough
Then enough can return
From which I discern
I'll undress and post this in the bough.
I now have a vision of Raak Hope you don't mind us having a little sport, old bean.
But only if viewed from the back
When viewed from the front an early candidate for Feedline of the Month
(I'll just have to be blunt)
There's something he appears to lack no offence...
Penelope feareth no man
(Please keep it clean, if you can)
For her feminine wiles
May bring forth many smiles
As she's known for her famous can-can
I want you to tell me the truth
Are you Valerie, Mabel or Ruth?
It's so hard to tell
Which is which gel Don'cha know
"My name's Harry, a gender bent youth"
I'm afflicted with six insect bites
I've been tasted by fleas, ticks and mites
'Tis the swamp that they seek
But havoc they wreak
Is something my hygiene invites. Sniffs armpit - poo.
The present is never the present
It's past for cooked geese or cooked pheasant
What the future beholds
Influenza and colds no doubt
Seize the day, for this morning, 'tis pleasant.
Well, Elvis is dead - but alive
At least amongst those who can jive
But why do they wear
So much lard in their hair?
When will Grecian 2000 arrive?
A pack of the very best plugs
Costs more than its weight in hard drugs
They're more galvanising
So it's not so surprising
That they come recommended by Suggs
Are these 'mobile phone' gadgets a fad?
And do i-Pods turn good children bad?
Or are they besotted
Besmeared and tight knotted
This Hi-Tech will drive us all mad.
I look in the mirror. Who's this?
It's me? Your taking the piss!
I was young looking smart
And had mastered the art
Of toilet bowl game "hit or miss"
I once met a nun from Milan
Who wanted to start her own clan
Both Sisters and Brothers
And uncertain "others"
Said "Dad's a McLeod, and me gran". So the whole thing just went down the pan.
A tenor who sang in Modena
Perhaps should have been a bit leaner
With angels he's singing
Adagio, bringing
[Don't quite see why Marc's perfectly reasonable line should stall things for more than a week. It's not like the word 'singing' lacks rhymes …]
Huge joy in his heav'nly arena
... [SM] quite - I'm assuming lack of lean-ness equates to death-ness [angels]. Moving swifterly on ...
I'm not sure if I'll find the time
Or the inspiration sublime
To take part in this game ;-)
In the hope of great fame
And escape from my life's grit and grime
But fame will not change me a jot
At least, I assume it will not
But in the limelight
I will get the rhyme right!
And the scansion, and grammar, and plot.
A young lad from Lytham St Annes
Had a penchant for stealing white vans
Which he'd drive at great speed
While puffing some weed
And swigging cheap beer from its cans
I've just spent a week on the tube
And all rails I have greased with fresh lube
I've cleaned all the tiles
Overhauled the turnstiles
And swept up all hairs of the pube
While studying the surface of Mars
I observed some deposits of tars
Which made me examine
The dictionary to find another word to rhyme
The famine that's caused by catarrhs Tut tut...
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