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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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He could not find his sword
For he couldn't afford
A vorpal that went snicker-snack
When the wind blows from north by northwest
I always get very depressed
As the low-pressures form
Is nowt but a yawn dodgy, I know
'Xcept to forecasters, whom all detest. Dodgy???? Crap more like. ©H. Laurie. I dunno, man of your calibre. ©A A Hancock.
Just close your blue eyes and you’ll see
That everything's as dark as can be
For it seems that the sun
(Without which we're done)
Is no longer shining for free
Has Rupert Murdoch bought the sun to go with the newspaper of the same name then?
That's a good idea - a bonfire of his penny dreadfuls with him as the guy.
I've just bought some shares in the sun
With a lottery prize that I won
It's a hot property
Close by the sea
Which has vapourised. I've been done.
There's a barbecue stand in the South
Whose ribs will just melt in your mouth
'Cos they're made of toffee
And Polonium coffee
(A thticky thurprithe for your thpouthe)
The frenzy of Christmas has started
A mob to old Harrod's has darted
They'll empty their pockets
On Gadgets and Sprockets
I pers'nally think it's retarded
The weather's so mild it's absurd
Summer 06 last time it occurred (1906!)
The birds think it's spring
I just heard a lark sing
And then it flew off – just left a big turd
My cat has a habit I hate
She insists on licking my plate
So I'd better feed 'er
To my golden retriever
She’ll come out as a hairball, just wait
Whilst weaving a tissue of lies
I put on a falsified guise
like changing your name
To divert the blame
to those who can take the surprise
"Dear Sir, I am not one of those ! ",
It's just the way that I pose
True, my clothing is scanty
And what's more I'm anti-
panty, so please Sir take off all your clothes
Whilst picking my nose I did find Hanky
a bogie that did bring to mind - YOGF down hill as usual I see...
the meaning of life
And my lack of a wife
And the taste of well-chewed bacon rind.
Smoked Reindeer filet is not bad - (http://rudolf.moonestates.com/)
If it's Rudolph's though, its quite sad
Although I suppose
If it's made from what glows
To eat it at all would be mad. Polonium. Yummy!
Last time Rudolph powdered his nose,
He used polonium, so now it glows
So don't stand too close Weird rhythm, this one.
Or else your ten toes
May fall off, from a terminal dose.
At Christmas, we stop drinking Coke
Our licence to burp we revoke
Off licence, we drink
by the glass load we sink
Of eggnogs and beer ‘til we choke
The great poetaster revolt
It cannot go on. Call a halt.
Write of feelings sublime
About justice and crime
Or I'll pull and then fire my Colt
There was a young lad from St Erth
Who had a remarkable girth
His circumference showed
He bore a huge load
As if he was set to give birth
At last the new year has arrived
We awake, somewhat bleary eyed
Avoid the first-footers
Repel all crazed looters
Ensure superstition’s survived Enjoying a tasty New Years dish of Black-Eyed Peas! http://southernfood.about.com/library/weekly/aa123198.htm
Make a new resolution each day!
For example: "I plan to turn gay"
Or "Won't fart in bed"
"Pick my nose or see red"
Or "Finish dead limericks", say.
Attendance is starting to wane
We suffer continuous brain-drain
But its not all bad Clunky scansion there, Marc
Count your blessings; be glad
Of our rich verbal legerdemain.
With savoir faire, skill and panache
My boiled potatoes I mash
I'll fry eggs with flair
My souffle floats on air
And my scansion could best be described as a car crash.
There's no way to cheat in this game
The Scansion Police have your name
So please to the line
As we try to refine
It so all of the verse sounds the same
Neuroses I've had in my time
Include one that's a capital crime
but the one that is worst
Involves carnal thirst
For all living things maritime.
An orangey gusset and hem
While out on a date with a squid
So much for preview mode then! Sorry Projoy. And rab, for that matter.
Mine can wait.
An orangey gusset and hem
Makes me feel truly Lib Dem
So I'll stick to the middle
Trying solving this riddle
With the help of my lower brain stem
While out on a date with a squid
My car went into a skid
Too few hands on the wheel
Caused my automobile
To flip its proverbial lid
We were far out at sea on a raft
Which in retrospect seems rather daft
And, without a sound,
A whale had us downed
So we harpooned the bugger, and laughed.
How funny to murder a whale! [Rosie] ;-)
Its meat makes us hearty and hale
And, furthermore,
Under Japanese law
It's quite legal a whale to impale
You can also have fun sticking pigs
Up the tailpipe of old Russian MiGs
As the engine ignites
And the crackling's alight
You'll have roast pork that everyone digs
This morning I stood on the scales
They showed I'd drunk too many ales
It's time for abstention
AA intervention
Liposuction if all of that fails
Perhaps I could eat fewer pies
To lessen the girth of my thighs
They're tree-trunks of blubber
Feeling just like foam rubber
I guess I'm just Fat Bastard size
While taking a break in Albania
I saw something even more zanier
And what is more
As I opened the door
I smelled a huge bunch of gerania.
One day, on a barge in Port Said
A floating French letter I spied
It proved hard to read
Mired in spilt seed
From a limb - about three inches wide
When born in the year of Ding Hai
You'll live to a factor of pi
Both you and your daughter
Do things you di'n' oughta
With bears, lions, tigers. Oh my!
Is winter arriving at last?
Well if so, let it soon be the past
I don't like the snow
Or the wind that doth blow
It's all a pain in the arse-t Getting 3 points on my poetic licence
[SW] You couldn't fit an "artic blast" in there, then? As it were.

The Bible will tell you the truth
Of the lives of Eve, Esther and Ruth
But as for the rest (Softers) 3? 11.9 more like.
The scribes merely guessed
And made it all up, yea, forsooth.
A fourteen foot pig in my garden
Let loose smelly gas while 'twas fartin' Coat and hat, I know...
This porcine eruption
Caused total disruption
Before getting loose and departin'
I talk to the tulips; they nod
And wonder "Who is this daft sod?"
I never resent them
'Een with their bent stem
I just let them face the firing squad What a cruel world we live in....
Blindfolded he stood ‘gainst the wall
He smoked his last cigarette with gall
This isn't a joke
When a fond farewell toke
Spoils "blind man's buff" for us all!
The bricks of which Summer is made
Cannot be obtained through the trade (blamelewis) Blind man's puff, shurely?
They are salvaged with care
From the cold wintry air
Come shine we’ll make sure they get laid....
Surrounded by walls of destruction
I stand and await my instruction
As to whether or not
To take a quick shot
Hurrah for careers in construction! a bit abstract but it was stalled for a while yer honour...
He stood there aghast at the sight
For surely this could not be right:
This vision; this... thing!
So shapeless, such bling
Jade Goody, half nude - she looked shite! (apols for vulagarity)
As a planet the earth's rather small (Phil) Did you mean vulvagarity?
So beware, those of you who are tall
With your head in the clouds
It's like wearing shrouds
Now let this be a aware to us all
The snowstorm has blinded my eyes
And the wind whips away all my cries
My limbs have gone numb
This trip really was dumb
Next time it's McDonald's for fries
Pretending I like heavy metal
I bought a uranium kettle
But the weight of the water
Was more than it ought-a
And now I don't feel in fine fettle
The dangerous love of fine words
Is a trait of the geeks and the nerds (Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!)
These anal retentives [UK] <panto> Oh no you're not! </panto>
Resist all incentives
I'd say its strictly for t'birds
You call me a bibliophile
And also a nerd - after while
And maybe a geek
But I know I'm a freak
I can sprint an eighteen-minute mile.
At Redemption (SF convention last weekend) there were a couple of flyers for another convention (Year of the Teledu) with just the first line of a limerick on them. Alas, they never got finished over the weekend. Can we do better? Here is how far they had got when I last saw them:
A teledu of my acquaintance      A Sumatran badger that stank
Has purchased a gaudy conveyance      Lived deep in a hole, dark and dank
It's painted bright blue      . . . . . . . .
And filled with beef stew      . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . .      . . . . . . . . . . . .
A teledu of my acquaintance
Has purchased a gaudy conveyance
It's painted bright blue
And filled with beef stew
Its odour holds all in abeyance.

A Sumatran badger that stank
Lived in a deep hole, dark and dank
Its one pride and joy
.......
Was an old Dinky toy
In fact, a Centurian tank...moving on
I once had a toy made by Dinky
I had five; in Latin that's quinque.
The JCB digger
Five hundred times bigger
Than your or even my pinkie
My 'pinkie' is longer than most are
It's been Michelin-rated as "four star"
And as fingers go
It's something to show
‘cause it’s thin as a worm, how bizarre
It is said that in parts of Japan
You can bat away men with your fan
And if you're a geisha
Who hails from Croatia
Then it's likely your fan is a man
I trow everything that I ween
And I hight what yclept I'd e'er been
And what's more - just hear this
- I rede what I wis
Now get out! @*&#...? I'm purging my spleen!
And with that, things arrived at a halt
'Though they perked up when one added salt
Which proves we're not slugs
Or earthworms, or bugs
We're just perfect, in fact, to a fault
I love you; you're perfect; now change.
I'd rather you did something strange
Tape a worm to your face
Take a fall down from grace
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