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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Read The Meaning of Liff
Then ordered a big Ulster fry
[Raak] Nothing to do with me, thankfully, although I have thought for some time that there is an ..erm .. impostering intent :-)
It's about time I made out my will
"I, being of sound mind and not ill, [Chalky] Naaah, you're as different as chalk and, err.... chast.
Do hereby bequeath
The air that I breathe
Will go to him who invented the pill [Raak] Nope, Chalky is the chaste one, I am just Chasty!
She said in a whispering voice:
"Are you sure that you've made the right choice?"
"That Big Mac and fries"
"Will go straight on your thighs"
But your bum don't look fat, so rejoice
There once, down a summery lane,
Walked Mr. Rochester with Jane
They happened upon
A two-headed swan
Just an image in Bertha M:s brain....? (from the novel Jane Eyre?)
While wiring a 'lectrical plug
For my Namco coin-op Dig Dug
I confused brown and blue
With sparks the fuse blew
And the acrid smoke caused such a fug
When using a figure of speech
Let your grasp not fall short of your reach
For a metaphor can
Fail completely to span
A broad intellectual breach
There's a lot of words ending with "-ough"
Such as "borough", "slough" and "trough"
There is also "through"
That, between me and you,
Sounds rough if you've got a bad cough
On the eve of the spectre's high noon
I was just getting ready to moon
The alignments were right
My pants were quite tight
But I panicked and dropped them too soon
We are all gathered here to remember
That tomorrow shall be November
But meanwhile, beware
Of the Halloween scare
And lock yourself up 'til December
There was a young chap from Belgrade
Whose outlook on life was quite staid
He liked to lie down
In his wife's wedding gown
He claimed, when the cops did a raid.
At weekends this place goes quite dead
When to other websites its members have sped
But on Monday morn
With nary a yawn
They scuttle from whence they had fled. Yes, I was away this weekend. Was it quiet?
By the shores of the Bay of Bengal
sat a woman, dressed in a pink shawl
Pashmina 'twas not
(They're far, far too hot)
But beneath she was dressed in f*ck all
The good folk of Shipston-on-Stour (Softers) I say, old chap. :-)
Shout "F'Tang!", every hour, on the hour
The bad folk, however
Whatever the weather
Shout "Arse" with a withering glower
As I staggered my way up the Kyber
[Oops, add aitches to taste]
(For I was a devoted imbiber)
I took a good swig (Darren) That's because Beeching shut the branch line. Bastard!
Of my syrup of fig
And OD'd on dietary fibre
I do like a bit of scatology
A component part of biology
Using mask and a glove
And a bit of a shove
You'll succeed if you know physiology
There once was a man who liked pork
He'd dig into chops with a fork
And swallow them whole
'Til such greed took its toll
And a pig plugged his arse like a cork
If you eat too much meat please beware
Of the fate that befell Red Adair
The lard in his veins
Caused cardiac strains Actually, he lived to be 89
That gave him and his mum quite a scare
I played on my violoncello
A tune that was soothing and mellow
It brought to my mind
A view, well-defined
Of a man with a lit cigarello
Don’t smoke when you visit this site
Our eyes will get clogged we can’t write
And lay off the booze
R'else we'll all start to snooze
So do nothing to make us up-tight
I don't rate this double-line stuff Too easy
I like it when the rhyme's tough
If I feel it's too easy
If the topic is cheesy
Yes, I like my limericks rough! Grr!
There's an isle in the southern Pacific
Its coordinates not quite specific
Latitude though is lazy
And longitude hazy
Worth getting there though - it's terrific
“My good man,” the Cannibal said,
"I think you'd go well with some bread"
"Please jump in this pot"
"Be careful, it's hot"
"And then simmer down 'til you're dead"
I've just told a whopping great lie
'Twill haunt me for ever, oh my
As I said to my Miss http://www.missworld.com/
It goes something like this
"For you, the Hope Diamond I'll buy"
There once was a cat called Sylvester
A birdie named Tweety he'd pester
Though bird meat is tasty
He swallowed too hasty
And in his belly the feathers did fester
A birdie ran past saying "Meep!"
Sped away from Wile E.'s fast jeep (An Acme Brand Mail order jeep, of course)
He ran over thin air
Using some Acme affair
A plot device which made me weep
As I think back on Tom and on Jerry
And how their antics made me merry
I find, on reflection
I've lost all affection
So have I gone grumpy? Yes, very.
The thing about Samurai Jack [Brilliant cartoon, highly recommended[
Is that when he'd prepare to attack
He could not find his sword
For he couldn't afford
A vorpal that went snicker-snack
When the wind blows from north by northwest
I always get very depressed
As the low-pressures form
Is nowt but a yawn dodgy, I know
'Xcept to forecasters, whom all detest. Dodgy???? Crap more like. ©H. Laurie. I dunno, man of your calibre. ©A A Hancock.
Just close your blue eyes and you’ll see
That everything's as dark as can be
For it seems that the sun
(Without which we're done)
Is no longer shining for free
Has Rupert Murdoch bought the sun to go with the newspaper of the same name then?
That's a good idea - a bonfire of his penny dreadfuls with him as the guy.
I've just bought some shares in the sun
With a lottery prize that I won
It's a hot property
Close by the sea
Which has vapourised. I've been done.
There's a barbecue stand in the South
Whose ribs will just melt in your mouth
'Cos they're made of toffee
And Polonium coffee
(A thticky thurprithe for your thpouthe)
The frenzy of Christmas has started
A mob to old Harrod's has darted
They'll empty their pockets
On Gadgets and Sprockets
I pers'nally think it's retarded
The weather's so mild it's absurd
Summer 06 last time it occurred (1906!)
The birds think it's spring
I just heard a lark sing
And then it flew off – just left a big turd
My cat has a habit I hate
She insists on licking my plate
So I'd better feed 'er
To my golden retriever
She’ll come out as a hairball, just wait
Whilst weaving a tissue of lies
I put on a falsified guise
like changing your name
To divert the blame
to those who can take the surprise
"Dear Sir, I am not one of those ! ",
It's just the way that I pose
True, my clothing is scanty
And what's more I'm anti-
panty, so please Sir take off all your clothes
Whilst picking my nose I did find Hanky
a bogie that did bring to mind - YOGF down hill as usual I see...
the meaning of life
And my lack of a wife
And the taste of well-chewed bacon rind.
Smoked Reindeer filet is not bad - (http://rudolf.moonestates.com/)
If it's Rudolph's though, its quite sad
Although I suppose
If it's made from what glows
To eat it at all would be mad. Polonium. Yummy!
Last time Rudolph powdered his nose,
He used polonium, so now it glows
So don't stand too close Weird rhythm, this one.
Or else your ten toes
May fall off, from a terminal dose.
At Christmas, we stop drinking Coke
Our licence to burp we revoke
Off licence, we drink
by the glass load we sink
Of eggnogs and beer ‘til we choke
The great poetaster revolt
It cannot go on. Call a halt.
Write of feelings sublime
About justice and crime
Or I'll pull and then fire my Colt
There was a young lad from St Erth
Who had a remarkable girth
His circumference showed
He bore a huge load
As if he was set to give birth
At last the new year has arrived
We awake, somewhat bleary eyed
Avoid the first-footers
Repel all crazed looters
Ensure superstition’s survived Enjoying a tasty New Years dish of Black-Eyed Peas! http://southernfood.about.com/library/weekly/aa123198.htm
Make a new resolution each day!
For example: "I plan to turn gay"
Or "Won't fart in bed"
"Pick my nose or see red"
Or "Finish dead limericks", say.
Attendance is starting to wane
We suffer continuous brain-drain
But its not all bad Clunky scansion there, Marc
Count your blessings; be glad
Of our rich verbal legerdemain.
With savoir faire, skill and panache
My boiled potatoes I mash
I'll fry eggs with flair
My souffle floats on air
And my scansion could best be described as a car crash.
There's no way to cheat in this game
The Scansion Police have your name
So please to the line
As we try to refine
It so all of the verse sounds the same
Neuroses I've had in my time
Include one that's a capital crime
but the one that is worst
Involves carnal thirst
For all living things maritime.
An orangey gusset and hem
While out on a date with a squid
So much for preview mode then! Sorry Projoy. And rab, for that matter.
Mine can wait.
An orangey gusset and hem
Makes me feel truly Lib Dem
So I'll stick to the middle
Trying solving this riddle
With the help of my lower brain stem
While out on a date with a squid
My car went into a skid
Too few hands on the wheel
Caused my automobile
To flip its proverbial lid
We were far out at sea on a raft
Which in retrospect seems rather daft
And, without a sound,
A whale had us downed
So we harpooned the bugger, and laughed.
How funny to murder a whale! [Rosie] ;-)
Its meat makes us hearty and hale
And, furthermore,
Under Japanese law
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