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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Un-for-tune-ate-ly
The Dog from the Sea
Stopped its trips with a well-aimed harpoon.
My favourite bird is the chough
I do not feel it's lauded enough!
When it tweets on a bough
Or follows the plough
Enjoying the morning is tough.
I can't tell my right from my left!
Then join the Lib Dems. Be deft!
To be in the middle
And harmlessly tiddle "to busy oneself with unimportant tasks"
Till of reality you are bereft.
Expecting that things might get worse
I bought me a second-hand hearse
'Cos new ones are pricey
But used - a bit dicey
And it turned out a bit of a curse
When flying to Sirius A
It's vital to park in 'Long Stay'
You'll find it quite warm
And mosquitos do swarm
So stay in the spaceport all day.
I say "Hello" to the moon
Said the dish to the spoon
Hidden textThe only way I can make this scan is if I read your name as part of the move, Software 8o/
Rosie - I say Hello to the moon
On those days when the world's out of tune
Then I take my trombone
And create a sound cone
So I don't feel like a loon.
By a strange constellation of chances
I've been invited to sev'ral séances
Once the 'plasm starts flowing
And my chakras are glowing
The meeting it really enhances
It was, I admit it, a fluke
But I'll not take your scathing rebuke
The records will show
That I vanquished my foe
Using every last trick in the book
Chicka-boom, chicka-boom, chicka-wow
- Not a typical sound for a cow
It's ill - got The Lurgi
And is all Heisenberg-y
And it's on an-ti-biotics for now.
One day, while out driving my car
I spied my true love from afar
Thus sorely distracted
I overreacted
For what happened next was bizarre - tbc
My true love was dressed as a clown
Sure 'nough his trousers fell down
This gender reveal
Became quite a big deal
As I clocked his proverbial [noun]
I awake and the clock strikes thirteen.
So it's time for my swig of poteen
Och aye, and begorrah!
It's already tomorrow?
And yesterday's gone, come and been
I encountered a horse and his boy
As they fled from enslavement in Troy
Hidden textActually Calormen, but as we know from Hercules and Xena, all the old stories happened next door to each other, when there were hardly any miles in the world.
The horse said, "Oh man,"
"We fled from Tashbaan!"
"And now I'm jumping with joy!"
Achilles, it’s said, was a heel
And lacked charismatic appeal
Plus, he had a glass jaw
Which reflected the floor
And made his chin look quite teal.
A day spent in bed? That's a mood.
Of which there can come nothing good.
But a valid invalid
With visage quite pallid
Could do with a little food pronounce it as you will
The heart wants what hearts tend to want.
Like spooning with Norman Lamont
An unusual wish
But he's more of a dish
When served in a greek restaurant
I like me a nice cup of tea
Or some beer, if I get it for free
I don't like hard liquor
It makes me sicker quicker
Than chicory flavour coffee
I'm told that I need to act dumb
So I go around sucking my thumb
When approached and addressed
I whip out my left breast
And offer a swig of black rum.
Congrats all - that made me laugh out loud
Congrats, all, that caused me to lol.
I confirmed with a quick Twitter Poll
But my backside's attached
Though the cheeks are mismatched
ROTFL was the goal.
CLAPCLAPCLAP! Cheese'n'onon all round!
I posted a message on X
Then got banned for a reference to sex
But when I asked Y
E M Z "O my"
"U caused my man muscle to flex"
If we all post on Threads this fine day
We might stop its rapid decay
So leave it to rot
As if you forgot
and you quite lost your thread... to... um...


Hey,...


I once drew an interesting graph
With x showing time, and y, staff
The results were quite silly
And my friends were quite chilly
- I'm the largest employer in Llandaff.
Here's a thing, up with which I won't put:
The use of the phrase "to step foot". true story
And yet, "give a hand"
Is still in demand
When ones face is covered in soot
After boarding a plane to Mumbai
We went up alarmingly high
As the Earth fell away
I was tempted to say
"I'm a Bollywood star in the sky!"

(Just call me Apo-ji)
It's an Indian Summer we've got
We know, 'cos it's bloody hot!
This unseasonal spike It's only just autumn; I think calling it an Indian summer this soon is pushing it a smidge
A gross thermal hike
Hidden text(SM) You are more correct than you realise. Calculations based on the 40-year record at Plas Huws show that the warmest 3 months of the year end on average on 8 September, i.e. tomorrow, which will be another sweatfest.
Causing boils, heat prostration and  CENSORED  rot.
There's a widespread opinion that Sid
Was more vicious than Billy the Kid
But Celsa and Nancy
(Girls that I fancy)
Were dreadful, and landed in Knidd. I think that's how you spell it.
Yr Wyddfa? I've walked to the summit!
The train is so cheap you could bum it (Pj) Yr wyddfa means "the tomb"
I admit that the height
Leaves my head feeling light
And I fear I won't walk down, but plummet.
Chipping Sodb'ry's the place (Raak) Neat
If you want to get punched in the face.
Maybe that needs a scansion tweak:
Chipping Sodbury isn't the place
(If you value the shape of your face)
I'm told it's not pretty (Proj) OK - not not of my better ones.
Despite a committee
For balance of gender and race.
There's six of 'em up in my attic!
They're giving my radio static
They're hooked up to 5G
At the back of each knee
They've always been pretty erratic
My grandfather's contrabassoon
Can be heard, so they say, on the moon
Its mellifluous tones
Rattle teeth, shatter bones
But it can make an elephant swoon
My cat's clarinet, au contraire,
Is irreparably plugged up with hair
And that's a Good Thing
'Cos 'e can't make it sing
(But alas, he had ordered a pair.)
The Wolf in the woods had the horn
And practiced each Sunday at dawn [keeping it musical]
The slumbering sheep (SM) spoilsport
Woke at the first peep
And bleated at him with some scorn.
A hamster seen playing the flute
Would be a bit of a hoot
Would be more than a bit of a hoot, I'd suggest.
An owl on the cello
Plays something more mellow
To back the sweet song of the newt.
A timpani-playing amoeba
And a Yankee saxophonist zebra
Met up with a lynx
In front of the Sphinx
But that's gotta be better than Bieber I feel quite forced
The old folk of Chalfont St Peter
Feel that HS2 would have been neater
Had the track been aligned
Oh no. Refresh page double post. Apologies.

• Chalky - The old folk of Chalfont St Peter
• Projoy - Feel that HS2 would have been neater
• goldfinch - Had the track been aligned
Per the plan that was signed (two days is long enough to wait)
As OK for just a two-seater.
When walking the Appian Way
(Appi was drunk, by the way)
With Grumppi and Sneezi
Both feeling quite queasi
We still made Brindisi by day
The mushroom on which I was seated
Soon began to feel centrally heated
It then spoke to me
Hallucinogenicly
(I suspect that my brain had been pleated).
This warm portobello recliner
Is a mushroom that couldn't be finer
Tilts any direction
With supine perfection
And manufactured in China.
This felt is quite fuzzy to touch
(Though I'm worried it isn't quite "butch")
And what's more it itches
(Are those ticks in the stitches?)
(Or weevils, or some other such?)
Comes the night, comes a change, comes a fear
Comes a need for a good pint of beer
And goes by the wayside
Let's cross to the dayside
Do the clocks get put back around here?
For the last time, the clocks have gone back
Away with this autumnal slack!
But the clock on my cooker
Looks crook, getting crooker
I'll just have to hit it - thwack!
Oh, the fear of an empty white page
The start's the most difficult stage
I'll begin in a bit
Oh, it’s hard, isn’t it?
Damn this Infinite Monkey Cage
The Tuesdayish feelings I have
As I sit here and strain on the lav
Regretting that curry
And the seventh McFlurry
And that third slice of passionfruit pav.
My gastrointestinal woes
Have not yet affected my nose
At my doctor’s suggestion
I've hastened digestion
In it comes, through it goes - "There she blows!"
In the forest, the forest, the dark
Where nothing stirs. But hark!
The Jabberwock waiting
In hope of a mating
Then the forest, the forest, the dark.
It is often the case that my aunt
Will pause to insist that I can't
—
I interrupt: "Can!"
And bring in my gran
“—no, you can’t play with Gran’s ear implant.”
It is often the case that my dad
Pours scorn on the latest "yoof" fad
But I found his Zoot Suit
And stale cheroot loot
He claims they'll be "back" in a tad.
Seems Dad was a "Ted" in his day
Pints of Brylcreem to make his hair stay
And those winkle-pickers
elicit some snickers
But the drainpipes blew all away
It is often the case that my Mum
Took umbrage when I sucked my thumb
Poor Umbridge, nice place
(but thumb stayed in face)
But my dad didn’t mind, not a crumb.
It is often the case that my Dad
Talks of lives he might somehow have had
Had he taken the chance
And moved over to France
He would have been labelled a cad.
It is never the case that my son
Stops his laces from coming undone
Despite double bow
And a lot of velcro.
He always trips up on a run.
It is sometimes the case that my daughter
Does not always do what she oughta
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