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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
help
And so it begins....
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Till the tone becomes sweet
Then clear it all out with a thud
If you like reading adventure novels
Or Dickensian books set in hovels
Then I've got just the thing:
(It's written by Sting)
As for his fans he grovels
Hey! Here's some terrific advice
If your clock is infested with mice
Wait until it strikes one
They'll have no more fun
The tone, their brains will splice
Hidden textH/T Pinky and the Brain
Rosie - was already evacuated for Laura and saw my city basically damaged by it when I first wrote that and n ow Delta has hit my city, too. I was still evacuated, so I'm safe
I've heard there's a brand new vaccine
To protect us from Covid-19 I wish
But there is a small catch
You'll lose all your thatch
And your privates will glow lurid green. oblig.
Eating chicken soup as a cure
Is common in Jewish culture
But the Catholics swear
By the head of a bear
And its testicles just to be sure
I'm determined to start a fresh rhyme
Though a challenging task for a mime
He can't say a thing
Though his limbs he may swing
For to learn ASL takes some time.
As he ran like the wind to the border  
Hidden textNo idea what this is about.
Before Brexit to place his last order
He wished that he had
Stayed in Ahmedabad
With his wife, (where he couldn't afford 'er)
As I sailed in my boat on the briny
My toddlers got seasick and whiny
So I sent them aloft
To work on a croft
They didn't do much; they're too tiny
Do you really think it is OK  
Hidden textAs for the penultimate one, I _still_ don't know what it was about.
To start a new lim'rick this way?
Choose one: YES or NO
And don't vacillate so
For this, dear friends, is the way.
On this day, of all days, it is clear
That your vest is still showing, my dear
I did say “Don’t inflate it!”
But anticipated
Obedience - now should I try fear?
In a dinghy I rowed out one day
To the mouth of the silvery Tay
Then I fell overboard
And cried: "Save me, Lord"
Though he never responds when I pray
YMMV
I'm offering up this kind thought-
If you do what you know that you ought
Then if someone sees
You stuffing golf tees Unfinished thought alert
Surely, you will be caught.
I'd like to say 'well done' to Pfizer Nothing if not topical
If it's true let's all have a spritzer
At -80 degrees Cee      
Hidden texter ... the name is pronounced Pf-EYE-zer, innit?
It's obvious to me
It will be applied by Thagomizer
Mercy killing
A vaccine? Oh my! Is it true?
Should we cheer? Shout Hurrah and Woohoo?
But suppose it's a dud?
And does us no gud invoking poetic licence
There'll be quite a hullabaloo.
Keep that needle away from my arm!
In my bum, though, it works like a charm
I've been waiting for weeks
To whip off me breeks
Though it causes the wife some alarm
Beware - do not try this at home
Especially not on your own
Suppose it explodes
And fuses your nodes Shades of Rambling Syd Rumpo there.
You'll be blown from here half way to Nome.
Nome, and its green green green grass
Is built on cooled volcanic glass
They say that at night
Its emerald light
Looks like oxidized brass
Ring the bells! Sound a gong! Hoist the flag!
Says the front page of my Sunday rag
Well, get The Observer
Which proclaims with great fervor
"How to split up from your lifetime bag."
While shepherds were watching their flocks
Of chickens and geese and some cocks
They whiled away the time
By eating a lime
And chasing off all chicken hawks.
Me ‘n my mates, we’re all kings from back east
We're the Basildon Bad Boys, now mainly deceased
From beyond the grave
We'll still have a rave
with 'Unleashed From The East' - Judas Priest
(real album - honest guv')
While slamming tequila on ice
I blacked out at least once or twice
Hit me 'ead on the floor
Lost a fight with a door
And got dragged off to jail by the Vice.
In praise of the old Pearly Queen
I painted my private parts green
The public bits red
Then I shaved my head
And stripped off so to be seen
I went out with a real little raver
Who moonlighted, days, as a paver
His favourite dance
Had a one in four chance
Of not making him one to savour
The chord that was lost has been found
And has a most beautiful sound
It's a mixture of twang,
And blip-bloop and ktang
Like George Formby falling t'' ground. 'Owja do glo''al stops?
While cleaning windows what did I see?
A gentleman who looked like George Formby!
He was missing his uke,
And he gave me a look That's considerably less revolting than my first idea for the line
And a rather refined cup of tea
Whenever I hear Van the Man
Or I see the Pres with the "tan"
My hackles are raised
And I go off half-crazed
When Her Majesty does the can-can
You know, I miss Morecambe and Wise
As I guzzle a dozen mince pies
Abbott and Costello
And some other fellow
All gone to that Club in the skies
Pine needles all over the floor
A dried-up, dead wreath on the door
The cold light of day dawns
Christmas over, so yawns
Next year we'll be back for some more
Zut alors, wat is 'appening 'ere?
Someone 'as put cheese in my beer
And made it go flat
I shall keel 'eem, zis rat
With my pistole-couteau I 'ave 'ere.
Mein Herr - du hast eaten my pie!
Undt now, English pigdog, you die!
Mein Eisbein ist heilig!
Tough luck - time ist veilig
Even executions go awry
Ahoy! Me hearties! Avast!
Virus protection at last!
Just roll up your sleeve
One jab, and then we've
Hidden textSoftware - nice
Begun sending this plague to the past.
When counting in French, one can say
Un, deux, trois - m'ouveré
Alternatively
Count in Swahili
Hidden textSomeone has to give this a go
Or simply use English/anglais
One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight - splendid idea Dujon!
I count t'let my anger abate
While I'll count in German
Which won't be a sermon
And Europeans I'll try to placate Another Brexshit bonus
So now it's the War of Vaccine
With skirmishes covert and mean
But wait! Who is wrong?
The few or the throng?
The death toll remains to be seen. mercy killing - see what I did there?
Well, I'm free of the COVID is seems
When I finish applying these creams
In covert ceremonies
I'll plaster my knees
In ointment, to cover my screams
In order to seem more appealing
I serve only the finest Darjeeling
In the very best bone china
Made by someone named Dinah
It gives everyone such a nice feeling
[C,R,R,KS,S] Couldn't be more English

In lockdown, I've done some repairs
But it's still rather dodgy upstairs
For instance, the ceiling
Is still only a feeling
And the walls and the floor are "not theres".
While strolling through Lincoln's Inn Fields
I spotted a skip full of shields
That the barristers dump
At the acquittal of Trump oblig.
It's a sign of the power that he wields Moving swiftly on...
We don't have to fear Joseph Biden
Any more than Franz Joseph Haydn
He's as good as his word
When he gives Trump the bird
As into the sunset he's ridin'.
Seems Richard did not have a hump
Nor Jasmine an extra chest bump
You just can’t believe
Each bodily heave
And each clown is in private a glump.
Hidden textWho is this Jasmine the formerly triple-breasted?
While waiting for my second jab
I chanced upon Dominic Raab
I said, "What ho, Dom!"
with my usual aplomb
And asked him to hail me a cab.
Hidden text[Raak], If I RECALL correctly, the name is actually Mary. Seriously, does she have three boobs? (Extra credit if you can tell me the source of my caption) Did my link not work? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiylTqSAiaM
(KagShu) A 50% excess is unusual but not unique. Here's Monty Python from about 1969.
The chances of being immune
Are as slim as a snowflake in June
So before you get tested
Don't get arrested
Hidden text[Rosie: fun, but "Seriously, doe sshe have three boobs?" is from Legally Blo>nde: The Musical
That could ruin your whole afternoon
There's no sense in holding it back
Even though you may get the sack
Let them know what you think
That their policies stink Almost oblig.
And they should all be put on the rack. at a stretch
When working a day of CS
Hidden textThat's cee ess, or customer service.
Be sure to use words that impress
Don't snarl "Oh get stuffed!"
When your help is rebuffed
Your frustration you must suppress
The first of the Quarantine Years
Has brought many strong men to tears
They whimper and whine
When they misplace their spine
And mentally strip all their gears
This unmanly blub'rin' must cease!
Or else I shall call the police
Who should have a hanky
Wrapped up in a blankie
And syringes dispensing some peace
If it's boating that you want to do
Then the Suez Canal is for you!
It's level throughout
If you get stuck, just shout
There'll be a delay for a minute or two (or longer, perhaps)
While going through Teddington lock
I received a most terrible shock
I saw Hughie Green's ghost
- He was moored to a post!
Awaiting opportunity's knock.
Crisps all round!
Opportunity knocks but once, so
When it does you must get up and go
And lock that darn door
Behind you, before
You go joining the business of show.
Stop all the clocks for eight days
Stay in bed and just laze
Let oppo's go by
Dynamic? Not I
I'm not one for frenetic displays
Do you think that the time is yet ripe?
For a dog at your feet and a pipe
And a scarf round your neck
And slippers, by heck
I'd say no. It's just ageist tripe.
It seems that this shirt doesn't fit
'Cos I have expanded a bit
Chip butties for tea
Scoffed REG-u-lar-LY
Also mean that my trousers have split
Barkeep! Crisps all round!
I want to try is the cake that's called Jaffa
Does it come from the city called Kaffa?
Or must I search
In the crypt of a church
Or make do with something naffer.
The Oscars are here once again
Most of them go to the men
Though some may appear
To be without peer
I'd rate most as just two out of ten Mercy killing :-/
[Arch] you might like to have a look at this idiot guide for using HTML mark-up for your moves (etiquette prefers only one line per rhyme unless you're brilliant, don't care about etiquette or are providing a long-overdue cull). I've been using this for more than 15 years - it was made my one of the players on here. Very Basic Guide to HTML for playing on Mornington Crescent sites
And I even used it to make this hyperlink too :o)
[muttleee] I think that was a good rescue.
When winning a Darwin Award
A fool of yourself is assured
As you take yourself out
(Inflict your own clout)
Your non-reproduction's ensured.
I think I may be a bee
No, you aren't, honey, b'lieve me
Your yellow-black fuzz
And high-voltage buzz I reckon she's an electricity pylon dusted in slightly scorched custard. That fits all the data so far.
Is just a fault with your HT For those old enough to remember TV with tubes
When voting in local elections
Don't be bribed with tempting confections
'Though if I'd been offered
Cake from Ms. Crawford
I'd refuse on account of infections
It's an incontrovertible fact
That whatever you do you'll get sacked
So plan well in advance
For each circumstance
And hope that you won't get hacked
Eventually I'll get down the pub
And sit down with a pint and some grub
For convivial chatter
And a steaming hot platter
But the cost? Aye, there's the rub....
Stop rubbing my platter, you swine!
And get me a glass full of wine!
I need a drink
Because I'm on the brink
Of becoming seriously anodyne.
Although it was somewhat contrived
I wrote, "Then the dragons arrived."
I shoehorned it in
Wrong game, but no sin
However, I felt quite deprived
Let's start something fresh, I feel keen
And I'm tired of my normal routine
I'm gonna dress up
And drink from the cup
Filled to the brim with Poitín
I've filled up the tank with spud peelings
For the sake of my partner's green feelings
My exhaust smells like chips
On the shortest of trips
So poo to the oil giants' dealings
That's it! I'm off to the pub
To sit down with a pint and some grub
I'll talk to my friends
Of how I got The Bends
A gig at the Bachelors' Club
There's an old Irish saying, you know,
It blithers about yellow snow
But I don't understand
Isn't yellow snow sand?
It's uranium — eat it and glow!
neat
This June day will henceforth be called
"The Day I Began To Go Bald"
For 'tis sad to relate
That the dread chrome-dome state
Cannot any more be forestalled
clapclapclapclapclap
I think I'll invest in a hat
A topper? Or something more flat?
I'd like to convey Lovely metre and wording on the back half of that last one
That I'm no old roué
And have young, modern fashion down pat.
In fact, I was once called a fop
My gaudy cravats were de trop
So much so I became
A pantomime Dame
Emigrated, and now lead the GOP
A joke's a joke but that one is a f****** disgrace. © D Drogba.
I'm camp so I'll dress up in drag
And ponce round the house with a fag
I do this with Pride
But in fact, deep inside,
I desperately wave a white flag.
The daylength has now reached its min / The daylength has now reached its max
Hidden textTraditional solstice limerick, bifurcated to avoid the appalling and blatant hemisphericentricity that too often plagues these servers.
Enlightenment can now begin / And my carpets could do with a vax
O-ò-o-o-òmmm / There's nowt I like more
*deeper voice* O-ò-o-o-òmmm / Than a squeaky clean floor
Now the nights begin drawing in / And my rubbish neatly in sacks
[Software] Did you just restore the hemisphericentrism that (see my hidden comment) I worked so hard to eliminate??
The world seems to be upside-down
Kings are scorned, and their Fools wear the crown
So the knights, they draw in
Losing their will to win [Have to agree with CdM, Softers - not your best work]
No wonder - we're lead by a clown
I've had the most brilliant idea
Will somebody please hold my beer? Oh, one of those brilliant ideas…
'Cos I need both hands
To stem time's running sands Say it fast
Oh, hang on, now it's not very clear
It's about time we all upped our game
'Cause right now it's all so same-same
Has no-one the wit
To mix things up a bit ...choice of sentence finished or not alert...
We don't show our wit - that's a shame.
Please visit my new exhibition!
Of strange megafauna dentition!
We have here a cheetah
Who's quite an odd eater
And uses plants for ignition
I return to find nothing has changed
Even though I had plumbing arranged
One can't find the staff
After an hour and a half
No wonder I'm getting deranged
A diplodocus trampled my lawn
One Tuesday, just before dawn
It won't need a trim
So I'm keeping him
In the shed with my pet unicorn
The good folk of Newton-le-Willows
Have an annual fight with soft pillows
They stand on the hill
And enjoy the thrill
(It's one of their few peccadilloes)
While singing a lewd roundelay
I felt all my cares drift away
I stripped off my hose
Which assaulted my nose
Well that's enough for today
There's nothing as bad as a cold
Except leprosy, grot, and brain mould
And don't forget mumps
Or down in the dumps
Or let's be frank just getting old
We haven't the time for my party?
We're busy being arty and farty
Well, the latter, at least
And our output's increased
As we read aloud from Jean-Paul Sarty
Mercy Killing
I went down to Tesco's today
For reasons I'd better not say
Suffice it to tell
There was quite a pell-mell
Hidden textAll bucks passed to the final line
As Security took me away.
Hidden textCan't be told, can be dodged.
[RtG] I like how you retained the shroud of mystery

And now I must pay for my crimes!

Viewed so heinously in these changed times!
But when ah were a lad
No one thought it bad
Now they do (at least in these climes).
But I ask: "Is it really so bad
To be, like me, such a cad?"
Self-improvement's my creed
I don't spill my seed
Or blame all this nonsense on Dad
I once shared a cell with a felon
Who had tried to violate a melon
He wasn't right in the head
At least that's what they said
I tore him limb from limb, like Ganelon.
There was a young lady from Cheam
Who'd always take one for the team
If carefully sliced Only one? For a whole team? Seems a bit stingy to me. But OFC it depends how big it is.
It became at least twiced
Sextupled if smothered in cream
It's time I went out for a drink
So I can act daft, and not think
About life's lack of meaning
And the cost of dry cleaning
The thing that I found in my sink
The end times are on us, I fear
Beginnings are no longer near
The locusts, the plague
The busts of Earl Haig
And Brexit is costing us dear
I'm thinking of taking a stand
Canute-like, upon the sea strand
On account of a bet
(The debt must be met)
Accompanied by a brass band.
I'm now hooked on this new TV show
It has arrows and flights - and a bow
It's not 'Golden Shot'
Or 'Black Which You Pot'
It's "Up To The Oche You Go"!
Hidden textI I didn't think of "Bullseye" or Jim Bowen during writing this line. No, not once.
[S, C, S, R, B] Perfection.
Why don't we all head for the beach
Where the mermaids they sing, each to each
Their sweet harm-o-nee
Tempting men of the sea
But beware! Stay out of their reach!
I think you all know what I meant
Concerning a recent event
My context was implicit
So next time I visit
I’ll come, and I’ll see, and I’ll went.
So here is the source of the tension:
No-one wants my robotic invention
For knitting a widget
With which I can fidget
So much for it boosting my pension :-(
I've repurposed my robotic knitter
And now it posts daily on Twitter [muttleee] That's pretty much the ending I'd been trying to come up with, but you did it better
It's so much like me
With a yen for the twee
Hashtag #bolderandleanerandfitter
Is anyone checking my Tweets?
On seductive radish and beets [This really is a thing]
They are so provocative
And strangely evocative
Of that which is wooly and bleats
I'm a farmer, and farmers must farm
So all of you, please just stay calm
And I say to you lot
Please, don't plant pot
It might set off the fire alarm
If Dennis The Menace was real
Then just try the following spiel
Give him 10 days detention
As a form of prevention
And if he tries a plea bargain: don't deal!
Assam, Earl Grey, and Darjeeling
Are the teas that I find most appealing
But for me PG Tips
Is what passes my lips
And sets all my senses a-reeling
           How could you have been so unfeeling?
Hidden textYes, officer. I have it right here.
Arabica beans or Robusta?
- The Indian asked General Custer
Just before his last stand
When no coffee was planned
Pepsi was all they could muster.
There's really no point in complaining
Of one's lack of sub-aqua weld training
You're in the deep end
And we all depend
On you and your penchant for feigning
Why are people so touchy (Chalky) Classy.
(Taking the liberty of slightly adjusting the metre.)
Why ever are people so touchy?
Their reactions are too muchy-muchy
They just make me puke
But I am an Archduke
So I'll kick them all out of my duchy And good riddance
Yes! My thinking-two-moves-ahead feed worked. That makes me very happy.
I'm feeling unreason'bly chipper
I've just got a job as a stripper! Expecting philosophical discourse
There's one tiny hassle
It's based in Newcastle
Where they all boast about their Big Dipper.
laughs out loud
I think it unseemly to brag
But people don't know I'm in drag
I pass perfectlee
As a lass- don't you see?
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