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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Phil
So Christmas has come back around
Marc
And Santa, I've heard, is southbound
Pablo
With his over-full sleigh
Software
He may brighten our day
Rosie
As he slips in with barely a sound.
Marc
Oh my dearest I long for your kiss
Chalky
Though I fear your technique's hit and miss
Chasty
Your French kisses I love
Monique
They are just hand in glove
Armand
And I do care that you are my sis
Pablo
Farewell to a very poor year
Software
The weather was shite, that is clear
Rosie
So let us revive
penelope
The jitterbug and jive
Phil
And party with burgers and beer
penelope
I will not stand for whiny complaining
Tuj
In spite of long
im
mersive training
Marc
Though I must say it's wrong
Rosie
To moan all day long
Chalky
When the rhymes here are SO entertaining
Pablo
So farewell then Bowie: bye Dave
Software
You did all the genres, save rave
penelope
And for that, we're in awe
Chalky
'Though our tear ducts are raw
penelope
For ecstasy
be
yond the grave.
Giertrud
Sometimes I cannot resist
penelope
Adding whisky to my shopping list
Pablo
It goes on with the gin
Marc
Make our heads start to spin
Software
As slowly we're getting pissed
Chalky
Hmm.
Chalky
It's time for a jolly distraction
Software
Like Longleat or some such attraction
penelope
Or maybe we could
Raak
Stroll through Odell Great Wood
Marc
Watching grass growing slowly in action...
Marc
Then she said: "I'm lying in your bed"
penelope
And I think that butler is dead
Pablo
So I said, "Call Poirot!"
Kim
But Mycroft said "No!"
Raak
"We'll eliminate the impossible instead."
Simons Mith
To the greenhouse I summoned the cook
CdM
"Over there!" I exclaimed. "Take a look!"
penelope
"The tomatoes have rust!"
Chalky
"The sprouts turned to dust!"
Pablo
He's from Yorkshire, so said "What the fook?"
Software
While I stood in the Post Office queue
penelope
And I hoped for position two
Pablo
But the fellow in front
...careful...
Chalky
With a snort and a grunt
Marc
Said: "I'm stuck. Who the hell spilled that glue!"
Marc
The cyan-ACrylate glue sealed his lips
Cook
On the table he had fish and chips
penelope
But unable to eat
Hello Cook
Pablo
His cod-and-spud treat
Chalky
He studied the lunar eclipse
Marc
It's the year of the Monkey, beware...
penelope
That you dress with attention and care
Rosie
And stop making faces
Raak
When you tie your shoelaces
Pablo
God! You're not doing
that
with your hair????
Marc
In accordance with Standard 14
Raak
You must paint your front door in sludge green
Rosie
Lined out in puce
CdM
Or else we'll reduce
penelope
The money for being
Europeen
Rosie
The good folk of Chorlton-cum Hardy
Chalky
Were known for their love of bacardi
penelope
When applied to the skin
Software
It was better than gin
Marc
And creme CeraVe - it's too lardy
Pablo
The Burghers of Port du Calais
Rosie
Have been whooping it up at the Palais
Marc
Now the jungle is flat
Software
They think that is that
Raak
But more migrants will be there next day.
Marc
Last summer I swam 'cross the Channel
Rosie
Wrapped in the finest of flannel
Giertrud
My expensive pyjamas
Pablo
With their imprint of lamas
KagomeShuko
Were hidden behind a pannel.
Juxtapose
There once was a fellow named Clark
Giertrud
Who was quite afraid of the dark
Software
So he switched on the light
Raak
And got a great fright
Rosie
As he found himself next to a shark.
Marc
It's due time that you upgrade your app
Anna
Or else you may fumble your snap
Raak
The latest UI
Pablo
Helps you shoot on the fly
Chalky
But the editing suite is pure crap
Tuj
What time does the ferry depart?
Skipper Marc
The minute that I've found my chart
Rosie
And topped up with diesel
Kim
And fed my pet weasel
Software
But this is
Condor
and we're missing a part
Marc
The Andean Condor's huge wingspan
Juxtapose
ex-
ceeds
the width
of
my fry-
ing
pan
CdM
And so to sauté it
Raak
I bent it to fit
Rosie
Which spoilt its vocal range, or sing span.
Dreadful.
Raak
The first day of Spring has just sprung
Marc
And I feel like a stallion I'm hung
Software
I'll be frisky for sure
Pablo
And with all my allure
KagomeShuko
I'll hide what Spring has just sprung.
Hidden text
Hey, Lear repeated words in his limericks
Marc
There once was a fella named Lear
Pablo
Who said that he felt a bit queer
Rosie
When asked what was wrong
Software
He burst into song
Raak
And demanded I bring him a beer.
Pablo
I've a problem with one of my glands
Rosie
My prostate's come off in my hands
Raak
Just squirt it with glue
Marc
Then fixate with a screw
Software
Then to hold it in place - rubber bands
penelope
There's a stock room of spare body parts
Raak
For my practice of ghoulish black arts
Rosie
In the box labelled "Noses"
Software
Nothing's smelling of roses
Marc
And some carrots, Jack Frost's private parts.
Marc
The question is free I've been told
Raak
But the answer will cost all your gold
Pablo
Not "The Meaning of Life?"
Kim
"How To Murder Your Wife"?
Software
No, it's down the river you're sold
Marc
"We are sinking, please finish your soup,"
Rosie
"Use the loo - we mustn't leave poop."
penelope
And then take your turn
Pablo
As the ship starts to burn
Projoy
To play "Nearer, my God" on a loop.
Tuj
It has eight legs! It's there on the floor!
Projoy
How'd that Octopus get in the door?
Software
It's fresh from the sea
Raak
And it's smarter than me
Pablo
And my God it looks just like Al Gore!
Projoy
In the land that we now call Iraq
Kim
They're proposing to place a blue plaq
Rosie
On a house in Baghdad
Software
A home for jihad
Phil
Where there once lived a young man called Raak
Projoy
Can you eat up the rest of this flour?
Pablo
It won't last much more than an hour
Raak
We must not let it rise
Rosie
Or else its sheer size
Kim
Will swallow up Shipston-on-Stour
Pablo
'Tis the 400th year of dear Willy
Software
The bard not the whale, silly billy
Projoy
After four hundred years
Raak
His oeuvre appears
Stevie
So much better than Milli Vanilli
's
Stevie
It's May and the sap is a-rising
Pablo
The new cider looks most appetising
Rosie
So come all ye drunkards
Software
Lift up your tankards
Projoy
(Whose contents don't bear analysing)
penelope
Through the blossom and meadows I dance
Rosie
Gazelle-like I pirouette and prance
go for it, pen
Projoy
But, hid by this sedge,
Bismarck
Is my five fruit and veg!
Pablo
And all of them
produits de France
penelope
Well, that was an odd one. I hadn't expected that.
Projoy
The world of Gerard, Count of Nice
Marc
Was described in this nice press release:
Rosie
A Master of Biscuits
Raak
Despiser of Triscuits
Bismarck
In quantities from
"un"
to
"six"
.
Sorry [pen], let continental-themed weirdness abound. Nevertheless a stylish finish from [Pablo]
Stevie
[Meadow Dancing pen] I expected at least
one
person to post about not wearing any pants. I was going to on line two but thought it would be a better punch line for line five.
Pablo
In the city of Aix-la-Chappelle
Raak
Danced Penelope, like a gazelle
Marc
Is that Stevie - both are nude!
Anna
In his hand - gee that's rude!
Projoy
I just hope that they don't kiss and tell
Software
While I was tending my garden
Raak
I received from the Queen a full pardon
Marc
Writing long lines that don't scan at all
Bismarck
Sent the Sovereign right up the wall
Projoy
Causing her stance on such infractions to harden.
Bismarck
An infinite number of monkeys
Phil
Assisted by five EU flunkies
penelope
Rough-drafted a treaty
Marc
UK rules for graffiti
Raak
To reserve it for registered junkies.
Rosie
To work out the square root of pi
Marc
Please first the last π-digit quantify
Software
Then by taking the log
Pablo
And a sly sip of grog
Bismarck
You'll be fine - just bluff your way by.
It's one and a bit!
Raak
When time, space, and knowledge combine
Projoy
With superior shape, form and line,
Rosie
One ought to be dazzled
Software
Or even brain-frazzled
Pablo
By the stuff that's produced - it's all mine!
Marc
When you think you are ready you're not
Projoy
And the things that you got, you ain't got
Raak
So live while you live
Software
'Cos life is a swizz
Stevie
What you've not got can fester and rot.
Projoy
Could this chicken be up to fowl play?
Stevie
From my vantage point, hard to say
Pablo
It does seem inclined
Kim
To sneak up behind
Chalky
'Til a cock crows and gives it away
Rosie
It wasn't a fowl 'cos he dived
Projoy
A move, as in football, contrived
Bismarck
With a kingfisher's grace
Pablo
To fall flat on one's face
Software
And a red card from the ref is survived
Marc
Monday morning - the struggle goes on
penelope
To house-train my iguanodon
Stevie
I'll be hailed as a wizard
Simons Mith
Of incontinent lizard
Rosie
Where a nose-peg's a
sine qua non
.
Pablo
I've managed to train up a gazelle
Bismarck
To fart without making a smell!
Software
This flatulent trick
Raak
Involves mud and a brick
Bismarck
An ending occurred, but I already had a go -
Hidden text
- And it will win me the Ig Nobel!
Rosie
And a diet of silica gel.
(Bis) V. gentlemanly
Stevie
As I looked out me window last night
Simons Mith
I could not but notice a slight
Projoy
Nasty nip in the air
Pablo
Though the weather was fair
Bismarck
Fukushima was within sight.
Marc
When you're leaving Japan please make sure
Projoy
That your thoughts and your deeds have been pure.
Bismarck
For the Shinto religion
Raak
Protects even a
pigeon
Pablo
From charges of being "manure"
penelope
I'm wearing a lightning conductor
Software
Made of copper as per my instructor
Stormy in Clogland, pen?
Projoy
's advice. He was right!
Pablo
Look what happened last night -
Drewdle
Prematurely discharged when I...engaged her in consensual acts of an intimate nature.
Mr Plimsoll
Marc
One red carrot I've offered my horse
penelope
It bit off my fingers, of course
Rosie
But aren't horses veggie?
Giertrud
But they can be quite edgy
Bismarck
As my A&E can endorse!
Oh woe is me, I am undone
penelope
I thought it was comic and fun
Stevie
But alas and alack
Pablo
Everything has turned black
Raak
Can we undo the referen
dum
?
Kim
So, what is he going to do now?
Raak
While waiting to take his last bow?
Marc
Will he come 'round again?
Pablo
Or collapse in great pain?
Projoy
Or renege on "resign is my vow!"
Software
I'll resign again and again and again
Raak
The meaning of this is quite plain
Stevie
What I've wrought is at hand
Bismarck
I am unfit to stand
Rosie
If you voted for me then you're insane.
Pablo
However, I may just bounce back
Bismarck
On my elastic hypocrisy track
Software
As plan B starts fail
Marc
My brave face turn pale
Boris
I surprise the whole world with my quack.
Software
Let's clear out the old, bring in new
Stevie
And toss out the false, bring in true
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