mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

I outgrabe like a mome rath

But my feeling of whimsy

Was fleeting and flimsy forcing attempt denied

As I fled from the borogove path

I once lunched in Stow-on-the-Wold

My starter was greasy and cold

The main course inedible

The bill was incredible

And the walls were all covered in mold. Sorry about that not finishing last time. I guess one should not play when one is extremely tired, even if for odd reasons, one cannot sleep.

nights

I once gave a farmer a lift [Phil] I am insulted! The Strasbourgeois are lots of fun!

He just had some garlic, and whiffed

I deployed my ejector

To a vertical vector [nights] I'm sure they are, given the quantity of beer brewed there. I was simply struggling for a rhyme :-)

Then launched into orbit quite swift…

Tomorrow the Moon will return

From its weekend out with Saturn

nights

While the moon was away Excuses, excuses... :)

The earth did decay

Projoy

So perhaps it is best to adjourn?

There's nothing as fast as a cheetah

So says my feline speed-o-meter

Quendalon

But if you want slow

(So slow it don't show) internal rhyme alert...

Watch lichen — a sloth record-beater.

Today, I am dyeing. It's black... (re-dying faded black clothes black)

As a glass of black mild Nutty Slack

Its minute albedo

Is just right for sado- ...that was a tricky one, Rosie.

-lin, Matching my nice Chapeau Claque.

(gil) Yeah, a bit clever-clever, but there's speedo, libido, paedo, lido, credo, Toledo.

All my clothes have been eating by moths

And my shoes have been slothing by sloths Making a feature out of the quirk of KS's line

And as for my hats

They're all nested by bats

So they think I've been haunting by Goths

We are what we eat we have heard

So I'm mostly tomatoes and curd

And I'm a nice curry

I eat in a hurry

And for me, olives are the last word

Quendalon

The practice of oenomancy

Is one that the Romans did fancy

By sharing a cask

An enquirer could ask

Which actions were safe and which chancy

A strapping young fellow named Clancy

When working the clubs was called Nancy

He strapped while she stripped

And flopped while he flipped

For the clients who all took his fancy

That all-soft'ning o'erpowering knell

Means you're on a journey to Hell Not you, m'dear.

Slip into the mire

To a fate that is dire

And our trip down the hill ´s going swell.

There's a gap in my force-field of love

Through which demons and succubi shove

It's a worm-hole of lust

And romance turns to dust

Which flies to the clouds up above.

This journey could go on forever

And is surely not worth the endeavor

For when we arrive

From a very long drive

There's been a change in the weather

There's a feeling - or is it just me? -

That this verse will stop dead at line three

I'm not one to doubt.

If I reincarnate as a puffin

I'll mulishly call myself Muffin

On the island of Lundy

My partner and me

Botherer

Will nest-build from navels with fluff in.

We have heard that the winner takes all [T, R, R, S, B]Excellent, free drinks tonight!

But don't fret should the wealth start to gall

Cash can't bring you joy

Unless you're called Roy

But it's better than bugg*r all

[Softers] If I may be so bold - you are significantly short-syllabled and arrhythmic in both your last entries .. thought you'd sussed this game by now ;-)

Inner lining

Marc - The Scansion-class this Fall semester

Will be taken by the head jester [Chalks] I disagree, it does work.

The Rhymer's a clown

The jester will frown

At the way that these matters obsessed her.

Hidden text

It's a jestess.

Jestess

All our efforts to set the bar higher [Softers] Hope we can agree to disagree. ;-)

have us jumping from skillet to fire

Where we are consumed (Funny Girl) You're right. I'll have a word with him next time he's over.

All pedants presumed [Chalks] Naturally :o)

Class dismissed and now also ceasefire.

Debate is a most healthy thing

At the Darby and Joan Club in Tring

It helps them stay young

And grease up their tongue

So with their friends they can swing

In Somerset, Dorset and Devon

They're always in bed by eleven

But the people of Hants

Are just putting on pants

And they won't be back home until seven

In the flat agricultural east

All cult'ral activity has ceased

The turnips are ready

So tasty but thready

Fit neither for man nor for beast

So The Ashes will grind to an end

With rain being England's best friend

And Broady and Swann

Turn their sprinklers on

As they've more than a penny to spend No takers all week? Ah well.

While spending an evening in Kettering (Chalky) We can lose with grace, but not win.

Perfecting my copperplate lettering

I blotted my book

(As the locals say,"fook!")

Putting paid to my hopes for its bettering.

My computer has not crashed today

Unusual for Windows®, they say

And although I'm pleased

I know if I sneezed

My screen would collapse and turn grey...

Good morning all poets it's time

To celebrate autumn in rhyme

Write of 'mellow' and 'fruit'

And rabbits to shoot

With apples to pick in their prime

But what do you say of the rain?

Well, it's wet and it goes down the drain

It hangs out in pools I thought 'puddles' would be too hard to rhyme. You're welcome

And obeys fluid rules

Before long it will come back again.

The rain in Spain, so they say

Mainly falls on the plain every day

But the Sierra Nevada Some very dubious climatology here.

(the one in Granada)

Is fine all year round, so "Olé!"

While enjoying a Café au Lait

I was asked, "Are you well?". I said "Très!"

Mais le cuillère est bent

Et la tasse 'as une dent - just googled le cuillère to check my schoolgirl french. Ooh la kama sutra la!

Mais le goût, je vous dis, est OK.

*applauds*

*Applauds the limerick; winces at the Franglais*

[Phil] Then I reckon we need more practice...
Aujourd 'hui, le naming de parts

comme les fruits pour le making of tarts

Will commence avec plum

Bien sur, mon ol' chum

Mais ils font tous nos dents plutôt schwartz Aha! See what I did there.

Heddlu'r llinell

Demain machen wir ein gateau

Mor drwm â'r Tibetan Plateau (Welsh) "as heavy as the".

Ik heb een gros pain

Horror vacui my brain

Und el pastel est dans my zapato

Enough now let's get back to work

Said the dull-witted jobsworth from Chirk

Then off went th'alarm My Dad's from near Chirk.

At 5 on the farm

So he got himself up with a jerk

The jerk I got up with today

Is not worth the money I pay

He costs seventeen pence

I must have no sense

I hope he'll just go away

The mocking the trainspotter suffers

In anorak stood by the buffers

The trains passing by

See the young 'spotter cry

"What's 'Get a life!' mean, you duffers?"

Young Pablo just timed to perfection

His disdain for social rejection

He avoided a snub

But this is the rub

And we offer him full time protection.

Today I think I will shuffle

My coats - both trench and duffle [Chalky] young???

- graze the floor as I walk

And muffle my talk

And fill my big mouth with fine truffle.

Glanting rain and sprale winds are forecàst

In Zeroia the land of my past

Where spallion fields grow

Fine cronx in the snow

And my abras are blooming at last.

Her knickers were bloomy and pink

I smiled, she laughed with a wink.

And as she bent down

A fart rent her gown

And that's what's done drove me to drink

Campari, Pernod, Gin and Whisky

All in a pint glass rather risky

Add a few whites of eggs

To stiffen the dregs

Scoff it down, and feel rather frisky

Your challenge this Tuesday is thus:

Take a flock of wild geese on the bus.

When you reach Euston Square

Disembark with a pair

As the others quack "What about us?" bugger me, talking geese.

The students in British Lit

Should study the format a bit! K-S - you're a syllable short, m'dear!!

The syntax and grammar

Cause newbies to stammer

Plus most think that Shakespeare is shit.

There once was a Viking called Jeff

Who chiselled the first letter F

When faced with the second

Distraction soon beckoned

And instead of Jeff, he was Jef.

Hidden text

Hey, Edward Lear always used the same ending word for the first and last lines of his limericks.

An orthodox rabbi called Skuld

Discovered his cocoa had cooled

He said to Verðandi

Your blowtorch comes handy

But it's strange that it is bejeweled.

Your challenge this Tuesday is this:

To be pleasant to your little sis

But as for your brother

Your father and mother,

Just carry on taking the piss.

There once was a man from the States

Named Billy - but he had No Mates

Except for Tim Nice

And Leontyne Price

Which kind of restricted his dates

A tale of forbidden papayas It was the idea of a restricted date that got me thinking on these lines

And lovers in heat on the playas

Gave way to the sun

Which ruined the fun

This UV is just sent to try us.

Your challenge this Tuesday is risky

To make it to lunch without whisky

And restrain your desires

To start small office fires

And entice the young temps to be frisky.

On Wednesday the sun will go nova

We'll be done to a crisp; it's Game Over

So let's party all week

Give our fun cells a tweak

And spend the final few moments in clover

My teeth are all falling apart They are.

They're going to hell in a cart

So chewing's a chore

And biting's a bore

It sucks being such an old fart

Elizabeth

Being a New-comer, I am always seeking online for articles that could assist me. Many thanks! %KW% Elizabeth http://adw7.ru/user/izlxybtidbt/

Inner lining

Marc - There once was a most thankful Russian

Whose life was once saved by a Prussian

But along came a Spaniard

In a style most maññered

And Olé! El Ruso was blushin'.

Sir Cornelis Maartenszoon Tromp

Was the first to cross Zuiderzee Swamp

But his dugout canoe

Sprang a leak, maybe two

But he got there and arrived in some pomp. well, with a name like that....

I've discovered a whizzo new game

I just need to think up a name

There's only one rule:

You must play like a fool,

And never make two moves the same.

I suggest that we start with this line,

"There was an old man of Loch Fyne"

And then for the second,

A rhyme which is reckoned

Would be absolutely divine!

Allow me

The Doctor's re-written the past

And Who else but he could recast

But the Great Originator

Mom

Or the grim terminator

(We're desperate to make this series last)

There once was a cool desperado

Who claimed t'have written The Mikado

On the opening night [Rosie] I'd have put the "'t" next to Mikado

Ann

He just started to fight

With a G & S afficionado

(Kim) I had no particular reason to imply boreality. Isn't this sound really just a glottal stop attached t'' previous word? You can't really alter title o'' work. There ought to be a symbol for it.

Christmas is upon us

'Oh no it's not!' we shout Oh no it's not.

oh poop. I've glow-wormed rather than limericked. Ignore my post.

"'Tis! 'tis!" responds the chorus It was glow-wormed from the start

Moniker

Software - Now Christmas is soon upon us
Penelope - 'Oh no it is not!' what's the fuss
Raak - "'Tis! 'tis!" all in chorus
Santa - My brains may be porous
Moniker - I refuse these five lines to discuss.

Or:
Christmas is upon us
"Oh no it's not!" we shout
"'Tis! 'tis!" responds the chorus
So that all came to nowt

There once was a Limerick class,

For the bad rhyme and rhythm dumbass

When it came to the test

They duly confessed

'Twas unlikely their scansion would pass

Inspired by the moon, as I am

To snort and to rut like a ram

On this cloudy night

I gave Boris a fright

And stole his tart filled with yam.

Hidden text

Not a great line but...

Today is the day when it's done

I've dared be tattooed with a pun

This indelible mark

Is a jolly good lark

And a tribute to my only sun

Jacob the Third from Dunlevy

Drove round the block in his Chevvy

His miles-per-gallon

Hidden text

Broke this small poem

Hidden text

And now it just won't rhyme at all 8o)

Impressed Jimmy Fallon

Body dangling from self-hoisted petard, the spare lanyard from which goes to make up a horizontal rule

But the rhymes that he chose were not clevvy Dunlevy? Chevy? Purlease!!! *repeats rant about poor rhyming and scansion from MCiOS*

[pen] It's enough to make one go out on a bevvy.

(Raak) I need little persuasion.

There's a man outside with a beard

And a cap with three bobbles so weird

He says he's from Spain

And arrived on the train

And he'll stay till the weather has cleared.

[pen]

Hidden text

"But were poor 'cos the car was so heavy" was ringing in my ears when I wrote the American talk-show host into the rhyme.

My brother is sporting a hat

In which he just looks a twat (Phil) I'm sure he's not.

Hidden text

He's not, but he does look one in the hat. I saw a photo on facebook this morning, and that was precisely the 2nd line I had in mind

With his knob-ended cane

And arched eyebrow so vain

He looks smart but is still the same brat.

My cuckoo clock seem to be hatching

A plot for a plague that's so catching

The mould in its thatch

Is almost a match

For the lepidote nose you've been scratching.

[Chalky] Thank you for the new word I have learned today.

The lexicographical treasures

Onomatopoetical pleasures

Neological joys

Of semantical toys

To be found in thrasonical measures.

Let us dabble and stolch in the wood

And not do the things that we should

Let us shout, run and laugh

With the riff and the raff

Robin Hood

Rob the poor - let's get rich, understood...?

I wonder who's kissing her now?

Probably death - poor cow.

All

And also who's teaching her how

To make our rhyme scheme more lowbrow

Scansion police

There once was a withered old rose
Whose weak mind was set writing prose
And the non-scanning lines
Gave no points only fines
And the reason for this no one knows…

I still wonder but will never know

Just where did my other sock go?

It's gone - it's a myst'ry

That stocking is hist'ry oblig.

I'll wear odd'uns - d'yer think it'll show?

Random Line Generator

There's just enough time left I think

'Fore the cosmic heat-death, for a drink

A cocktail perhaps?

Or a sherry? Or schnapps?

Or maybe champagne that is pink?

"I am not one of those" - said miss Lola

"Who drinks all that much Coca-Cola"

"I much prefer Sprite"

she said, "though I might

Projoy

give a miss to that batch marked 'Ebola'"

Hidden text

Clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap

(Projoy) Too late; it's gone viral.

What Stevie said. I spent half an hour last night trying to thing of a 5th line. Perfect!

I really must try having sex

With a new miss - I don't miss my ex

Mrs. X

Come and take me tonight?

While my bloke's out of sight?

Sorry, I'm rat-arsed on Becks.

The inmate in cell number six

Has some rather strange facial tics

His lack of straight face

Ensures him a place

With many famed physical comics.

Really?
I play bass guitar in a band

And I'm using both left and right hand

Which one does what

Is not easy to spot

I'm the fastest jazzman in the land!

[Phil] I also play bass in a band.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvkZSm68JLE&feature=youtu.be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOLmX3PBHS0

[Kim] I don't. I don't even play bass, but I do have a valid poetic licence :-)

One day I was drunk and I sang

But the words got mixed up with slang

I cursed and I swore

And I said, "Ruddigore!"

And what is much worse, cried "Fertang!!!!!"

Three dogs, a goat, and a bird

In a curry; we are not inured

Let's all dine elsewhere

On a hamster eclair

That's preferably shaven - not furred.

If we are what we eat I'm an ox

That has lived in a small cardboard box

Been steeped well in beer

And thus of good cheer

While I am a bagel and lox

I'm sorry, I can't hold your coat

I'm trying to de-worm the goat

If you hold it for me

Making sure it won't pee

I can shove the pill right down its throat "I'll see what I can do, Mr 'erriot"

Today there is wind, rain and flood

And tomorrow brings storm, hail and mud

The day after, thick snow

With a strong Arctic blow It ain't gonna happen, folks.

The year (well, thus far) is a dud

It pains me to point out the truth

But you're getting quite long in the tooth

If I might be so bold

You're quite startlingly old

But no longer the once-uncouth youth. forsooth

I won't tell you a secret I know

Instead, watch this pantomime show

The clue's in the name

Of the bellowing dame

But the answer lies deep down below

A logician, a priest, and a Scot

Was the Reverend Hamish McStott

A writer and thinker

And moderate drinker

Yet best known for his huge you-know-what

Now what is this thing that's so big?

Because bragging is so infra dig

An item of dress?

Or a way to impress?

No, an enormous big flying pig

I exist on a diet of fruit

Which I store in a Wellington boot

The sludge in the toe

I gobble like a sow

Whilst grunting chacun à son goût

I'm really enjoying this pie

Though it has left me wondering why

The ingredients list

Was so widely dissed

What's wrong with dried tadpoles and larvae of flesh fly? (a big and nourishing pie it was...)

When apples and cherries we mix

Something we do just for kicks

We make lemonade

To sip in the shade

And whittle ourselves cocktail sticks A bit lacklustre. Eyes'n'teeth next time, guys'n'gals, eyes'n'teeth!

It's an actor's poor life that I lead

I can barely afford smoking weed

While learning the Bard

Is not all that hard

It would help if I first learnt to read

I've told you a number of times

That I'll never be caught for my crimes

I'm so cunning and smart

That they call me a tart

Pooh

Moi? I'm the Macavity of Mimes For when a crime's discovered then Macavity's not there!

My mother is losing her mind

Because of a contract she signed

In which she agreed (Pooh) Does that include your own crimes of scansion?

To always wear tweed

And a necklace of smoked bacon rind

We shall soon start the season of Lent

When the rules of abstention are bent

To make us believe

It is now time to heave

BMI by some fifty percent... http://www.seriouseats.com/2011/01/culinary-ambassadors-swedish-semla-fastlagsbulle-pastry-bun-lent-shrove-tuesday.html

Still my Body Mass Index is low

My ribcage is always on show

My skinny white arms

Are the least of my charms

Whilst the best may be felt down below

The means by which pussycats purr

Are shrouded in mys'try and fur

Have they motors inside?

Or a resonant hide?

Do they blend a buzz with a whirr?

I've a large pot of organic glue

That's made from the hooves of zebras and gnu

‘Endangered’, you say ?

I've seen herds in Calais

Where there's lions and elephants too

I've a question for someone who knows

About pobbles and their lack of toes:

Are they toeless all day?

Does it hinder their play?

At darts, do they get extra goes?

[P,P,N,R] delightful stuff :)

It's true what they say about poker

That they play with a pack with no Joker

That your face must be blank

Like a true mountebank

Lose a mill? Oh, that's just mediocre.

If you play at pontoon or roulette

Make sure that you use your lorgnette

To distinguish between

The black, red and green

And to ensure that you place the right bet

The Ides of March did for Caesar

As noted by some Stratford geezer

It turned out his mate

Finished forth his sad fate (et tu, Brute?)

With a staged and dramatic crowd-pleaser

While oop in the north, sat Macbeth

Ignoring the portents of death

When Birnam Wood came

He was right in the frame

In the long run though gave up his breath...

It is springtime - or so I was told,

So why is my sun lounge so cold ?

The air from Siberia

Makes the temp so inferior

Now fetch me a servant to scold!

My lawn's taken over by moss

But really, I don't give a toss

Roll on the next drought

When the sun is about

'cause tonight we will play the lacrosse...

There are the rules how to pick up a girl

Typo

There are rules how to pick up a girl

Keep back straight, bend at knees, never curl

When she's hoisted on board

Don't lean backward or for'ard

And present with Les Pêcheurs De Perles

But beware if you pick up a man

In a dress, thigh-high boots, and a tan

For that thong will conceal

That his balls made of steel

Are prosthetic and his real name is Anne.

Transvestism is such a drag

That seldom of it do folk brag

They prefer to disguise

Then show up with surprise

When you push them down off of a crag!

Once again we are fooled by the spring

And the thought of the joys it will bring

Ooh, I dunno

Saint John

It's a fact I don't know
'cause they've stepped on my toe
And I think a lament I will sing.

I think we have heard it before

And we'll hear it again, I am sure

It is on the "tee-vee"

In the tabloids, I see

And followed on You Tube what's more

It's April the First, take great care

For Lurkers and snipers beware

And old men in coats

Selling tuppenny groats

Who, furthermore, really aren't there.

There once was a farmer who said:

Pooh

"By golly, I'd come out ahead

if I planted my corn

at the first glimpse of dawn

Instead of just lying in bed." oblig.

There's a terrible price to be paid

For allowing the curtains to fade

For your neighbours will see

All your efforts to pee

Into cans marked "Homemade Lemonade"

Tomorrow's the day before Sunday

And in turn, that's the day before Monday oblig.[C, p, S, R, T] I larfed out loud.

It is, so to speak

The end of the week

Which means that today is today??

Let's hope that it is not too late

To find someone to go on a date

'Though with whom they'll go

Knobbly

It is best they don't know

Because Ringwraiths have just sealed their fate.

While dancing an Argentine tango

With the chair of my favorite quango

I feigned mild surprise

When offered third prize

In the World Championship of fandango...

I'm dancing far better than singing

For the music's so loud my head's ringing

With my clogs flying high

And a slap on the thigh

My suspenders buttons are pinging

As I waltzed with a gorgeous young filly

Who had won more than twelve Prix Caprilli

Her hooves got entangled

(They were polished and spangled)

And the judges' mien turned quite chilly.

I'm in need of a half-pint of tea

Milk and five sugars for me

With my pinky outstretched

In a posture far-fetched

I'm an upper-class builder, you see

I am sure Easter Bunnies lay eggs

I am sure that the French eat frog's legs

But grenouilles à la Pâques

Mixed with various tabacs

Is surely against EU regs.

This Friday is s'posed to be good

'Though why, I have ne'er understood

Getting nailed to a tree

Is not my cup of tea

And He would agree, if he could. Matthew 26:39

Palm Sunday, it came and it went

And I on tequila was bent

This was not a good way

On that most Holy Day

To do what you can't during Lent.

For breakfast there's chocolate egg

Then a cute Easter lamb's roasted leg

For tea chocolate bunny

(Bought with your chocolate money !)

And as 'nightcap' a chocolate beer keg...

We don't have resources for that

When brayed by an aristocrat

Sounds more than just mean

In fact quite obscene

And confirms that the speaker's a prat.

My airship has sprung a small leak

It hisses away as I speak

And we're losing our height I thought it best not to use 'altitude'

Shed weight as we might

'Tis probably best to say 'Eek'

My bungee just needs a small tweak

To cancel its nerve-shredding shriek

When I leap into space

All my fears I efface

But there might be a small "trouser leak"

To Ypres we journey next week

Me grandad's gold watch we shall seek

He was killed by a bomb

(Though he died with aplomb)

Whilst winning a game of bezique

There might be just time for one more

Ere we stagger toward the pub door

Which just won't keep still

And the floor lean uphill

And my balance do sheem rather poor

Oh, show me the way to go home

It's quite near the Milleneum Dome

Where gentrification

Improved the location

And you'll not see one garden gnome.

I showed my heart to the doctor Notes: 1. (c) L. Cohen; 2. Stressed on "I", "heart", and "doc". 3. Not the easiest rhyme, but plenty of possibilities.

But my advances seemed to have shocked her

My wild EKG

And advanced Housemaid's Knee

Meant my chances were slim to verkakte

So I chose a complete transplantation

But the doc heard me say "a castration."

I've a great sense of loss

But I don't give a toss

Let alone an insemination.

Here I stand with my new bits and pieces

Two curbs and some liquefied fæces

The doc says I'll be better

With bowels that are wetter

Though my waistline constantly increases...

When pond'ring a change of one's gender

And update to parts oh so tender

Make sure that you choose

To gain, not to lose

All the bits that will scream "I'm a bender!"

If gard'ning were truly a joy

It would not make my back scream out "Oi!"

And the bloody great weeds

Which nobody needs

Would leave here and plague οἱ πολλοὶ.

αι'β ντισαιντεντ του τιτχ μαισελφ Γρεικ

underlined

There once was a line so correct

Even Rosie found if perfect

It's yet to be written (Softers) What's come over you? That line is so awful

Oh dearie dearie me ... yet another dreary self-referential limerick which has already been cocked up. Thought we'd moved on from these. Well I now qualify as a grumpy old woman so I dare - without fear or favour - to start anew!

Chalky - I once met a Somerset farmer

I confess, he was rather a charmer

Or should I say "she" ?

For we failed to agree

It's a gender dysphoric drama [Rosie, Chalks] perhaps I should have spelt "it" correctly and hyphenated per-fect, I think it scans then.

I can fit a whole pint in my mug Hastily re-written to avoid leaving "pint" at the end of the line!

Straight-sided, curvy or jug (Softers) Yeah, all right. :-)

Beer, cider or tea

Or fermented sheep's pee

And it pours with an audible "glug"

I've decided to teach myself Greek (which is what that line of squiggles earlier was a transliteration of)

Be a scholar, and not just a geek

But my transliteration [Raak] Ah, I couldn't for the life of me work out what the 2nd word was supposed to be. Why not use a δ (delta) instead of ντ?

Because in modern Greek, δ is a voiced "th", and "ντ" is used for the "d" sound.

Brings much obfuscation

So now a new teacher I'll seek. Sorry for screwing things up but my neighbour (who is Greek) told me it was an incorrect line without sense...

My friend said her love was platonic

I said "Yeah, and my screwdriver's sonic!" [Raak] Fair enough. I only did Ancient Greek.

Night and day we then screwed

Yet all sex we eschewed

Our IKEA decor is hedonic.

A weekend, a flat-pack and you...

O, think of the things we could do!

Crawl around on the floor

With the one you adore

Seeking that ill-usive screw

When it comes to assembling a bed

It will help if you stand on your head

With your tool in your hand

You will soon make it stand

And may finish your screwing - 'nuff said...

As I lay in my bed, fast asleep

My eyebrows endeavoured to creep

Through the hole in the floor

Seeing quite a bit more

Than Tom could when he too did Peep

The Energy Minister said:

"Uranium decays into lead"

And wind is erratic

So let's be Socratic

Shall we burn solar panels, instead?

The barbecue season approaches

Ah! The smell of fried ants and roaches!

The carbonised meat

The gale, the sleet

And the jibes from the toffs in their coaches.

Burnt meat is my favorite dish!

But have you tried decomposed fish?

With its fragrant bouquet

(Which will not go away)

It's really quite edible...ish.

I'm checking the facts about you

But Google's removed quite a few

You've got something to hide!

(Slipped a rozzer in snide ?!)

Never mind, I'll recheck with Yahoo!

Is that drone flying overhead yours?

And if so - would you kindly press 'pause'?

Or 'fast forward', at least

For I don't like that beast

The Bakerloo Line (brown, like the stains left in Lurker's drawers)

Or the stains that it leaves in my drawers.

This summer I think I will go

In search of the midnight sun's glow

So north I will trek

Dressed as a Dalek

On skis - but they're just for show

This year it's the beach for me!

Sex, sun, sand and the sea!

Then clubbing all night!

'Till I wake, with a fright

, A rash and a bed full of wee

The best lines are so lavatorial

True since times immemorial

This toilet-based verse

May sound turgid, or terse

But can ofttimes sound quite professorial

On my birthday: a new record from Yes Trudat.

I've poor musical taste, I confess.

These aged rock bands

With their wrinkly old hands

Are mostly now dead, at a guess

[Pablo] You'd be wrong though. 8o)

The genteel folk of Milngavie

Have a predisposition to spy

While the neds of Bearsden

Keep mum in a pen .. haven't a clue what you're all on about ...

And the nellies of Niddrie just cry. Me neither.

This, or something like it, is what was intended:

The genteel folk of Milngavie
Are enamoured of actor Bill Navie
They see him on telly
Their legs turn to jelly
He's even a hit in Mumbavie.

Falstaff

Maude was a Tourette's Syndrome duck

Who's offbeat quack made people say "f*ck" [Rosie] Sorry. *shrugs*

She'd then nod and twitch ... preferred ours -sorry Rosie ;)

This web-footed bitch

Was she fowl mouthed or just full of pluck?

I turned on the water and found

Some colombian roast - freshly ground

Mixed in a pot

With some added shallot

Its taste is both piquant and round.

So what on the menu today?

A Gooseberry/Duck Beak paté!

A durian mélange

Served with whisky blancmange

Mixed together at 10 quid a tray

The Chorus

Olé!

Hark! Hear the words of the chorus

For speech, set to music, can't bore us although I draw the line at Monteverdi's "L'Incoronazione di Poppea"

If Thatcher had sung

Of the plight of the young No idea where this one is going to end up

She'd have seemed less like Tyrannosaurus or

Hidden text

She might not have seemed quite so dolORous

Bravo! Good finish.

Throw the switches now Igor, be quick!

Give the Tesla coils just one more flick
Hidden text
[Stevie] Phew! I was so unsure of that last line. Thanks :)

My morbid creation

Gets a tingling sensation

And a very enjoyable prick.

There's a part of me just wants to die

For the life of me I don't know why

But I can't really ask it

Why the yen for the casket

Affects ulnars and both radii.

I'm feeling it deep in my bones Good finish, Rosie

It's time to change all my ringtones

Their Wagnerian gloom (pen) You are nice lady.

Bears a portent of doom

That I don't want to hear from my phones.

Oooh I liked the way that one worked out. Nice going, everyone else.

This morning as I had my shower

The lack of shampoo made me glower

So I grabbed the carbolic

Blamelewis

lest I turn vitriolic

Now my black hair smell like 'Sweet and sour'.

Motivation will come from within

Get that right and you're certain to win

Check Facebook and Twitter

As you sit on the shitter No point warning you in advance of that, was there? You all knew it was coming. Far too hot for a coat.

Rise up and be strong! Or fall in.

By unceasingly talking in riddles

You can get away with most fiddles

But the clear light of reason

In this rainy dry season

Should help exclude most muddy middles

Last time I regressed to the mean

I created a terrible scene

'Cos I was once bimodal

And hacking the code'll

Make everyone turn red (or green?)

Encrypted persistence persist

Just try saying that when you're pissed! UK English meaning of Pissed (n.) in a state of intoxication through alcohol.

Saliva will flow

Whilst your cheeks flush and glow

Inspissated inspectors insist!

A great deal of effort is spent

To decide what to give up for Lent

And if you give up

Giving up have a cup

of Darjeeling with Rhum, max percent.

I can feel there's a storm coming up

'Bout Qatar and the World Cup

Some dodgy dealing

And wheeling (with feeling)

So FIFA's corrupt, is it? Yup. I have taken the liberty as this one had become a bit of a wallflower.

A guinea pig once came to stay

So I made it at home with some hay

I plied it with wine

Which it thought was divine

My best bottle Grand Cru Cabernet.

A guinea pigs life must be hard

As they tussle for scraps in the yard

Competing with cats

Hiding from vampire bats

While reciting the words of the Bard

I once bought a pig for a guinea

'twas pink and so thin - almost skinny

But feeding it well

Soon caused it to swell

And now it won't fit in my mini

I once had a skirt-wearing pig

For convention it cared not a fig

For instance, its snout

would run like a spout

And its butt was enormously big.

While preparing my sugar cured ham

I thought I would use damson jam

'Tis both piquant and sweet

And I do love to eat

Jam-ham a-la damson, by damn!

While watching a Colin Firth flick

He started to get on my wick

His monotonous voice

Reading novels by J a m e s J o y c e

Make a portrait of me being sick [Marc] Just "Joyce" would have scanned better, perhaps?

Marc :-)

I don't want to get out of bed

I'd rather stay tucked in instead

Being all safe and warm

And farting a storm

Leaving blankets and sheets widely spread.

As the autumnal mists descend

O'er the lea the kine their slow way wend

The ploughman homeward plods

Elderly

While worshiping his Gods

Thomas Gray

And leaves the world to darkness m'friend...
http://www.poetsgraves.co.uk/Classic%20Poems/Gray/elegy_written_in_a_country_churc.htm

Oh goody, more fog o'er the land

So thick that you can't see your hand as people say....

Don't use your fog lights would seem to be the rule, especially for silver or grey cars

And don't dress in whites

Knobbly

But drive home at 60 as planned

Underliner

As a senior player I think,

Young Rosie should give up the drink

Such libelous chat

Ignores the fact that

He's not drite the thunk that you quink

I once had a wee dram too much

The courage it gave me was Dutch

Hidden text

Hello, pen.

I confronted a copper

And riled him up proper

By booting his hat into touch

But now I am perfectly merry

'cause I'm soaking my muesli in sherry

I have gin with my chips

And a song on my lips

That I learnt from a young Mary Berry

I pogoed again, down the road

Jumping just like a green, horny toad

Quite why, I don't know

But it does go to show

With long springy legs I'm bestowed

"Up, up and away!" the man cried

"Gravity, it shall be defied"

With a mighty great leap

He collapsed in a heap

Levitated - and finally died...

I could do that just one more time

But this time perform it in mime

With music by Sting

Or Wag-n-er's ring

Or "Buddy, can you spare a dime?"

I have no idea what this could

have been meant to do, nor what it would

But I think that it might

expire by tonight

unless otherwise stated - stay for good.

If it is dark during the day

[Gietrud] Excuse me, but I think your metre needs adjusting
Giertrud - If it remains dark in the day
Penelope - There'll no chance for us to make hay

[penelope] Excuse me, but I think your metre needs adjusting:
penelope - There'll be no chance for us to make hay
Stevie - Then again, I'm no farmer

But still quite a charmer

Hidden text

Believe that, you'll believe anything.

And I lay the damsels - if they pay...

The wine of the day is Chablis

But waiter! My soup! There's a flea!

On my spoon there's a bug!

There's a wasp in my mug

I wonder what lurks in the brie?

The beast in the cheese is extinct

But the rat in the crackers just winked!

And the worm in the peas

Has knobbly knees

So I wonder: Is L.S.D. linked?

[Stevie et al.] Jolly well done!

Dear Jedi, I'm writing this note:

I think we should all have a vote

About using the Force

(Caref'ly of course)

Or a bucket to bail out this boat

[Pablo] "Force" was an unkind rhyme to offer another

Be gentle when off'ring a rhyme

No oranges please; it's a crime

And please let it scan

Just as well as it can

Then forever will bells and gongs chime!

I have planned to take up my qi gong

And this, I don't think, is too wrong

My hara is sound

Anna

And both feet on the ground

Wong

I can feel there's new blood in my dong.

Mister Wong in your eyes I can see

That though old, you stand firm as a tree

'Acupuncture' you say

Is why you stay

[Software] Might it be "the reason" instead of "why"?

up all night on just one cup of tea.

A buxom showgirl from Brazil (trad)

Said her boobs had got valves for refill

The left dispensed beer

But the right looked quite queer

And t'would only produce rancid swill

Red Barrel, Red Barrel,
Red Barrel men said "the same again"
Took a fistful of flavour
First class beer!

[Stevie] I'm considering buying this glass and installing it in my local as "Phil's glass", for purely ironic purposes, as the pub has dozens of CAMRA awards.

[Phil] Sweet Theakston's on a Bike! That's an ugly glass without the logo!

Last night as I sat in the snug

A banking clerk gave me a hug

So not every banker

Is riddled with rancour

But was nevertheless very smug

In a small pub in Cornwall I found

Some scrumpy for under a pound

This dangerous tipple

Rots the brain, so UKIP'll Not to be opened until the end.

Hidden text

Be buying ev'ry voter a round.

Make sure that the Union is drowned...

"Mister Nigel, I think you are wrong,"

New Deal

Claiming 'Arbeit macht frei' was a song
That the Nazis once sang
When a Jew they had hang
And that Cameron now sings along

It's December and Santa's awake [New Deal]Why not try http://www.rab.org.uk/mc/mc.php?tid=138#bottom ?

to the fraudsters and makers of fake unifini..

X-Box Ones, PS4s

And it sure gives him pause unfinity or thinks

to think of these crooks on the make.

My old Van Der Graaf's on the blink

With a megavolt spark that is pink

It's stopped making static

Its behaviour's erratic

And the noise... you can't hear yourself think!

Is there some sort of shindig next week?

If so, then the outlook is bleak

I've maxed out my card

From the pub I've been barred

Nonetheless I am off to take a leak...

If you walk 'bout a mile heading west

Wearing naught but a grotty string vest

You'll be stopped by police

Wearing vinyl and fleece

Who'll say you're improperly dressed.

Five four three two one LIGHT THE FUSE!

Firework legislation we'll abuse! (Happy New Year all!)

As the district burns down

We'll be out on the town

Anna

Runnin' wild - crawling pubs - hit the booze.

The New Year has brought gloom and dismay

For Charlie Hebdo, so they say

Life goes on - nice and swift

Anna

Though for most somewhat miffed

Live on, but die another day. Mercy killing, if you'll excuse the phrase. The stalling of this limerick for a week possibly supports my hypothesis that there are better channels for serious commentary on terrorist atrocities. (I come here to be entertained and show off.)

The chief mistress of Louis XV (Fifteen, n'est-ce pas?)

Had much better legs than his Queen

And as for her bust Well done, pen; it was becoming a right clunker.

If it hadn't been trussed

T'would have sagged somewhere south of her spleen