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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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It's quite near the Milleneum Dome
Where gentrification
Improved the location
And you'll not see one garden gnome.
I showed my heart to the doctor   Notes: 1. (c) L. Cohen; 2. Stressed on "I", "heart", and "doc". 3. Not the easiest rhyme, but plenty of possibilities.
But my advances seemed to have shocked her
My wild EKG
And advanced Housemaid's Knee
Meant my chances were slim to verkakte
So I chose a complete transplantation
But the doc heard me say "a castration."
I've a great sense of loss
But I don't give a toss
Let alone an insemination.
Here I stand with my new bits and pieces
Two curbs and some liquefied fæces
The doc says I'll be better
With bowels that are wetter
Though my waistline constantly increases...
When pond'ring a change of one's gender
And update to parts oh so tender
Make sure that you choose
To gain, not to lose
All the bits that will scream "I'm a bender!"
If gard'ning were truly a joy
It would not make my back scream out "Oi!"
And the bloody great weeds
Which nobody needs
Would leave here and plague οἱ πολλοὶ.
αι'β ντισαιντεντ του τιτχ μαισελφ Γρεικ
There once was a line so correct
Even Rosie found if perfect
It's yet to be written (Softers) What's come over you? That line is so awful
Oh dearie dearie me ... yet another dreary self-referential limerick which has already been cocked up. Thought we'd moved on from these. Well I now qualify as a grumpy old woman so I dare - without fear or favour - to start anew!
Chalky - I once met a Somerset farmer
I confess, he was rather a charmer
Or should I say "she" ?
For we failed to agree
It's a gender dysphoric drama [Rosie, Chalks] perhaps I should have spelt "it" correctly and hyphenated per-fect, I think it scans then.
I can fit a whole pint in my mug Hastily re-written to avoid leaving "pint" at the end of the line!
Straight-sided, curvy or jug (Softers) Yeah, all right. :-)
Beer, cider or tea
Or fermented sheep's pee
And it pours with an audible "glug"
I've decided to teach myself Greek (which is what that line of squiggles earlier was a transliteration of)
Be a scholar, and not just a geek
But my transliteration [Raak] Ah, I couldn't for the life of me work out what the 2nd word was supposed to be. Why not use a δ (delta) instead of ντ?
Because in modern Greek, δ is a voiced "th", and "ντ" is used for the "d" sound.
Brings much obfuscation
So now a new teacher I'll seek. Sorry for screwing things up but my neighbour (who is Greek) told me it was an incorrect line without sense...
My friend said her love was platonic
I said "Yeah, and my screwdriver's sonic!" [Raak] Fair enough. I only did Ancient Greek.
Night and day we then screwed
Yet all sex we eschewed
Our IKEA decor is hedonic.
A weekend, a flat-pack and you...
O, think of the things we could do!
Crawl around on the floor
With the one you adore
Seeking that ill-usive screw
When it comes to assembling a bed
It will help if you stand on your head
With your tool in your hand
You will soon make it stand
And may finish your screwing - 'nuff said...
As I lay in my bed, fast asleep
My eyebrows endeavoured to creep
Through the hole in the floor
Seeing quite a bit more
Than Tom could when he too did Peep
The Energy Minister said:
"Uranium decays into lead"
And wind is erratic
So let's be Socratic
Shall we burn solar panels, instead?
The barbecue season approaches
Ah! The smell of fried ants and roaches!
The carbonised meat
The gale, the sleet
And the jibes from the toffs in their coaches.
Burnt meat is my favorite dish!
But have you tried decomposed fish?
With its fragrant bouquet
(Which will not go away)
It's really quite edible...ish.
I'm checking the facts about you
But Google's removed quite a few
You've got something to hide!
(Slipped a rozzer in snide ?!)
Never mind, I'll recheck with Yahoo!
Is that drone flying overhead yours?
And if so - would you kindly press 'pause'?
Or 'fast forward', at least
For I don't like that beast
Or the stains that it leaves in my drawers.
This summer I think I will go
In search of the midnight sun's glow
So north I will trek
Dressed as a Dalek
On skis - but they're just for show
This year it's the beach for me!
Sex, sun, sand and the sea!
Then clubbing all night!
'Till I wake, with a fright
, A rash and a bed full of wee
The best lines are so lavatorial
True since times immemorial
This toilet-based verse
May sound turgid, or terse
But can ofttimes sound quite professorial
On my birthday: a new record from Yes Trudat.
I've poor musical taste, I confess.
These aged rock bands
With their wrinkly old hands
Are mostly now dead, at a guess
[Pablo] You'd be wrong though. 8o)
The genteel folk of Milngavie
Have a predisposition to spy
While the neds of Bearsden
Keep mum in a pen .. haven't a clue what you're all on about ...
And the nellies of Niddrie just cry. Me neither.
This, or something like it, is what was intended:

The genteel folk of Milngavie
Are enamoured of actor Bill Navie
They see him on telly
Their legs turn to jelly
He's even a hit in Mumbavie.

Maude was a Tourette's Syndrome duck
Who's offbeat quack made people say "f*ck" [Rosie] Sorry. *shrugs*
She'd then nod and twitch ... preferred ours -sorry Rosie ;)
This web-footed bitch
Was she fowl mouthed or just full of pluck?
I turned on the water and found
Some colombian roast - freshly ground
Mixed in a pot
With some added shallot
Its taste is both piquant and round.
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