mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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And so it begins....

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'cause tonight we will play the lacrosse...

There are the rules how to pick up a girl

There are rules how to pick up a girl

Keep back straight, bend at knees, never curl

When she's hoisted on board

Don't lean backward or for'ard

And present with Les Pêcheurs De Perles

But beware if you pick up a man

In a dress, thigh-high boots, and a tan

For that thong will conceal

That his balls made of steel

Are prosthetic and his real name is Anne.

Transvestism is such a drag

That seldom of it do folk brag

They prefer to disguise

Then show up with surprise

When you push them down off of a crag!

Once again we are fooled by the spring

And the thought of the joys it will bring

Ooh, I dunno

It's a fact I don't know
'cause they've stepped on my toe
And I think a lament I will sing.

I think we have heard it before

And we'll hear it again, I am sure

It is on the "tee-vee"

In the tabloids, I see

And followed on You Tube what's more

It's April the First, take great care

For Lurkers and snipers beware

And old men in coats

Selling tuppenny groats

Who, furthermore, really aren't there.

There once was a farmer who said:

"By golly, I'd come out ahead

if I planted my corn

at the first glimpse of dawn

Instead of just lying in bed." oblig.

There's a terrible price to be paid

For allowing the curtains to fade

For your neighbours will see

All your efforts to pee

Into cans marked "Homemade Lemonade"

Tomorrow's the day before Sunday

And in turn, that's the day before Monday oblig.[C, p, S, R, T] I larfed out loud.

It is, so to speak

The end of the week

Which means that today is today??

Let's hope that it is not too late

To find someone to go on a date

'Though with whom they'll go

It is best they don't know

Because Ringwraiths have just sealed their fate.

While dancing an Argentine tango

With the chair of my favorite quango

I feigned mild surprise

When offered third prize

In the World Championship of fandango...

I'm dancing far better than singing

For the music's so loud my head's ringing

With my clogs flying high

And a slap on the thigh

My suspenders buttons are pinging

As I waltzed with a gorgeous young filly

Who had won more than twelve Prix Caprilli

Her hooves got entangled

(They were polished and spangled)

And the judges' mien turned quite chilly.

I'm in need of a half-pint of tea

Milk and five sugars for me

With my pinky outstretched

In a posture far-fetched

I'm an upper-class builder, you see

I am sure Easter Bunnies lay eggs

I am sure that the French eat frog's legs

But grenouilles à la Pâques

Mixed with various tabacs

Is surely against EU regs.

This Friday is s'posed to be good

'Though why, I have ne'er understood

Getting nailed to a tree

Is not my cup of tea

And He would agree, if he could. Matthew 26:39

Palm Sunday, it came and it went

And I on tequila was bent

This was not a good way

On that most Holy Day

To do what you can't during Lent.

For breakfast there's chocolate egg

Then a cute Easter lamb's roasted leg

For tea chocolate bunny

(Bought with your chocolate money !)

And as 'nightcap' a chocolate beer keg...

We don't have resources for that

When brayed by an aristocrat

Sounds more than just mean

In fact quite obscene

And confirms that the speaker's a prat.

My airship has sprung a small leak

It hisses away as I speak

And we're losing our height I thought it best not to use 'altitude'

Shed weight as we might

'Tis probably best to say 'Eek'

My bungee just needs a small tweak

To cancel its nerve-shredding shriek

When I leap into space

All my fears I efface

But there might be a small "trouser leak"

To Ypres we journey next week

Me grandad's gold watch we shall seek

He was killed by a bomb

(Though he died with aplomb)

Whilst winning a game of bezique

There might be just time for one more

Ere we stagger toward the pub door

Which just won't keep still

And the floor lean uphill

And my balance do sheem rather poor

Oh, show me the way to go home

It's quite near the Milleneum Dome

Where gentrification

Improved the location

And you'll not see one garden gnome.

I showed my heart to the doctor Notes: 1. (c) L. Cohen; 2. Stressed on "I", "heart", and "doc". 3. Not the easiest rhyme, but plenty of possibilities.

But my advances seemed to have shocked her

My wild EKG

And advanced Housemaid's Knee

Meant my chances were slim to verkakte

So I chose a complete transplantation

But the doc heard me say "a castration."

I've a great sense of loss

But I don't give a toss

Let alone an insemination.

Here I stand with my new bits and pieces

Two curbs and some liquefied fæces

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