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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Served up in a black leather boot
Cooked rare, by a wench
That I'd like to clench
Resplendent in her birthday suit.
Kofta curry and pork vindaloo
Are the height of cuisine – in my view
But then, I am fond
Of a good Sussex Pond
And the minds of Essex girls too
[Raak] Ooooh, I haven't cooked one in ages. Time for a revival I think :)
We eat and we drink - pee and shit
Then we do it again -- is that it?
Well, also, there's work
And the ultimate perk
Reproduction - that helps a bit.
While sipping my coffee-to-go
I got stuck in ten feet of pure snow
But, when cometh the spring
Caffeine gave me a zing
And already I've started to glow
I’ll switch to the gill- and the fin-mode
'cause we've water all over our main road
The Met Office says
It's raining for days
So my hair-drier's hit "overload"
My strimmer has broken - alas!
Please borrow my strummer, it's world class!
It does make a racket
'Tho' it cost me a packet
And the one thing it baulks at is grass.
I'm struggling to find any meaning
With offering Free Window Cleaning
To some it's quite clear
It's because you can peer
up the nethers of anyone leaning.
There once was an elderly goat
Who'd spawned several offspring of note
The Grand Druid of Wales
Often ran off the rails
Then got stoned and sowed out his wild oat...
There once were five spicy girls singing
But now they sound flat and look minging
If Take That re-formed
Then let us be warned
Alarm bells should be set ringing
There once was a Samurai hero
Whose score in swordfighting was zero
Though lacking in skill
He managed to kill
Both Lulu and Helen Shapiro. Bastard!
There once was a girl that could sing
(or so she once thought) anything
But once on the "X"
She lowered her kecks
And sang "Desert Song" a la Sting
The thing about artisan bread
Is its guaranteed freedom from lead
Instead you will find
That it makes you go blind
So I'll eat Hovis® instead
A vacation that is what we need
To drink beer, and cider, and mead
Relax by the pool
Eating gooseberry fool
Did anyone bring any weed?
I woke today with a sore throat
So I chewed on a piece of fried stoat
And to my surprise
I've a three octave rise
In a ditty I sing with my goat
This soup, with its noodles and chicken
Is good for the ill and flu-stricken
And even, some say
Keeps the lurgi at bay
In need though of Rum to un-thicken
When treating a bronchial infection
You'd better obey this direction
To draw out the phlegm
Just shout out "A-hem!"
And prepare for social rejection.
When drawing your last living breath
Here's what you can do to cheat death
Grab the Grim Reaper's scythe
With a gesture most blithe
Shouting, "Is this a knife?", like Macbeth
If you can't tell a knife from a spoon
You'll get classified as a loon
So just use a fork
When screwing a cork
And, yes, you are a buffoon
I uncorked a cru Beaujolais
With a vigneron from Régnié
But in getting my glass
I fell on my arse
Hidden text( M Logiciel) I am disappointed, as they say, that you have not pointed out that the first two lines don't rhyme.
So I guess I won't drink it today.
Down at the pub when I ordered my beer [M Rosé] c'est un petit point contesté, peut être.
[Software] By no stretch of poetic license does that scan into a limerick. I suggest:
Software - Down the pub when I ordered my beer
The barman said, "Be of good cheer!"
You're mighty good lookin'
Hidden text[Rosie] It's a subtlety that I think even French poets would get away with. Similar to 'glass' and 'arse', which don't rhyme terribly well for the majority of English speakers (even in England). It all worked out to be a good Limerick though, IMHO :-)
You do really good cookin'
So just maybe you should work here!
Who in their right mind would say
That duckin' an' divin' don't pay
For evading the law
(as a thug, thief or whore)
(not to mention the great CIA...)
I've invented a new kind of chair
It seats both you and your confrere
Your discreet tête-a-tête
Might make you be late
Hello, hello, hello. What's goin'on 'ere, then?
Because you can't go anywhere.
[Scansion Police] I read cfm's line as " it suits both you and your confrere." Sort of fits.
My village is threatened with Lidl
Let's hope the development bid'll
Fall foul of the planners
Or else protest banners
Will foil the town councillors' fiddle
Next week on the old village green
Is the festival of the obscene
We'll all go sheep-tupping
Unless we're one-upping
Then we'll shout: Hello Wean - you're so mean!"
Hello Wean, I have heard you've been here,"
Hidden textRosie, Software, Raak and Gil: I like the Lidl one :-)

Is the phrase that we don't want to hear
Because of the hype
And our pumpkins are ripe
Understood, then it's time to disappear.
We end up being eaten by worms
(It's in the conditions and terms)
If the deal's terminated
With the worms left unsated
We're reborn as a bunch of mean germs.
I can't help but think that that my wife
Is going to cause me more more strife :o)
Her insatiable needs
For thick Harris Tweeds
Have virtually killed our sex life
Tomorrow I vow that I will
Tell Starbucks their product is swill
And then let's all partay
With mugs of real lahtay
And stick Howard Schultz with the bill
For those really hard to reach places
And other quite difficult cases
Try this handy new cleaner
Her name is Georgina
Employed on a no clean, no shag basis.
If out to eliminate bacteria
You need to eschew all hysteria
Calmly use bleach
On every and each
And then your milieu will be clearier sorry sorry sorry
[pen] fair enough :-)
In London it's raining today
Elsewhere it's flooding they say
But I haven't seen yet
A great spouting jet Surprised the word "posterior" didn't come up in that last one ;-)
Like the one at Trafalgar Square Bay...
I eat a durian each day
And I get them for free, do not pay
And while they are stinky
Like my wee willie-winky
They increase your libido, so-say
Some lines are real close to perfection
I've written one for your inspection
And if you look here
To get a good steer
There's a clue to their mode of erection
In a market in old Timbuctu
An old friend I by chance bumped into
And since we were two
We knocked up a stew
Of camel and goat and mantu
In a hotel in snowy Siberia
Where the rooms and the beds are inferior
To those in Bulgaria
Where the toilets are airier oblig.
Your breakfast is free from bacteria... (...they've frozen to death...)
In a tuk tuk in wet Kalimpong
You can go right -- or you can go wrong
Sometimes up - sometimes down
And in some parts of town
Get whatever you like for a song
Now soon a new year will arrive
It divides by three but not five
Sum up its digits - that's six
Then put them into the mix
What pleasure from sums we derive!
Hidden text[irach & software] I didn't want to start the new year off on a pedantic note, but If you delete "up" and "Then" from your lines, respectively, they scan much more nicely
With unbroken sunshine today After two weeks of time off work - and rain every day
I'm going to come out and play
Work can wait till next week
Meanwhile let us seek
Many reasons to laugh and be gay ...in honour of Softers' coming out.
I sing 'cos I'm glad to be gay playing along
And a friend of the late Ronnie Kray
Through the songs that I sing
Haven't brought me much bling
I did meet Sinatra one day!
Next week I'll be joining a band
Of barbarians, roaming the land
'Cos I've signed for Port Vale
(I'm told they serve ale)
But their football is a bit bland
Next year is the Year of the Snake
I'll hit the dammed thing with my rake
Before I'll let it crawl
Up my lavat'ry wall (Softers) Were you thinking of
Hidden text My friend Billy's got a ten-foot willy/And he showed it to the girl next door/She thought it was a snake/So she hit it with a rake/And now it's only six foot four.
?
And admit that it was my mistake....
In Eden the apples are ripe
And of aphrodisiac type
So I baked a nice pie
For my hubby to try
But the proof of the pudding is hype
'Hail fellow! Well met!' said the pastor
(Of true bonhomie he's the master)
With a wink and a grin
He absolved me of sin
Confession just got somewhat faster!
On the first day of Februar-ee
Thirty eight things my love gave to me: [C,R,S,p,P] Nice.
One was a jewel
And one was a tool
Which he inserted delicat-lee.
American football's confusing
Or possibly downright bemusing
Most don't touch the ball
Though players are tall
Superb owls are much more amusing
She is wise as an owl I've been told
Her knowledge is quite manifold
On the subject of voles
She impresses the proles
Though that's hardly one of her goals.
When Richard the third called for 'horse' something topical for a change
'Twas past time to bargain, of course
You can't use a nation
For experimentation
Though many do so, and by force.
I'd like to replace "experimentation" with "negotiation" in that last limerick. :-)
They're preparing for this year's Grand Prix
We'll be fighting on land and at sea
From Le Mans to Dubai
Yeongam and Shanghai
And what's left of the old Aral Sea.
Oscar, my dear, your red rug
Is home to many a bug
Tho' to you it is cosy
It's hellish for Rosie
Who itches and cannot get snug.
The slanderous comments above
And the full implications thereof
Are herewith rescinded
In manner long-winded
Devoted to brother and sisterly love...!
The Conclave's elected Pope Mary,
Who plans to be Jesus's fairy
A pontiff with wings
Who can do magic things
But the giveaway is - she's so hairy
Bugger - insert quotation marks around "she's" if you would
The puff of white smoke tells us all
That the popemobile's just hit the wall
But look out, now it's black! (...the smoke of course...)
Is Benedict back?
Or a reincarnated John-Paul?
When tales are retold you will know
That the heroes of long, long ago
Committed great deeds
While riding their steeds
Yelling "Woe-Hi-Di-Hi-Hi-Di-Hoe!"
In the Alps they are yod'ling a lot,
While their cheese gently boils in the pot
Such stereotyping
And Franco-Swiss griping
Is likely to get someone shot
Italians, in gen'ral, are charming
Their generals, though, are alarming
Their finances are scary
Signoras faces so hairy
Which is why generals find them disarming
But the Greeks are, truth to tell,
Descendants of heaven and hell .. a tad short on footage Pablo but think we can make it work ...
Just now it's the latter (Chalks) 'E fough' itza peon-unny recipe, dinny?
Though only a matter
That Cyprus will go down as well
A Monegasque makes a fine friend
With big pots of money to lend
He dresses in green
And bows to the queen
So you'll see where it's all going to end!
Are you ready to start your new life?
As side-kick to old Mack the Knife
But as opera's go
This threepenny show
Is more suited for somebody's wife.
Sorry, for got the line break!
I chanced upon Lady Godiva
Who said; "If you'll give me a fiver,
I'll cut off my hair
But I hope you're aware
on a horse, I'm not such a good driver.
At luncheon with old Friar Tuck
We dined on a stew of braised duck
We saved the skimmed fat
To give to the cat
And using the catflap, she stuck!
Thenceforth to Maid Marian's for tea [last line .. worth the wait. Nice one SM]
A generous hostess is she
A Battenburg cake
(The marzipan's fake!)
Goes well with a glass of Chablis
In the pub with my friend Little John
I thought 'What the hell's going on?'
For he'd got out his staff
And then just for a laugh
He poked it up my sit-upon.
Lovely!
Will Scarlett's a rum sort of fellow [PPNcR] Heehehehehehe
"Come chase me!", he's oft-heard to bellow.
Then he shins up a tree
And cries, "Come, follow me!"
But sadly they're all far too yellow
At the wedding of Alan-a-Dale
The couple wore matching chain mail
Her chastity belt
Could hardly be felt
And his, back-to-front, had a tail.I can hardly believe I wrote that. Inexcusable
[pen] I can. Excusable. Funny
The green-fingered Sherriff of Nottingham
Grew cannabis plants, and was potting 'em [pen] Digusting! I hardly know where to put myself. Somewhat like Alan-a-Dale, it seems!
When in burst the cops
And said "Are these hops?"
He said "Yes, well done for spotting 'em." (Ladies) Can't have too much femfilth.
Sir Guy of Gisbourne gets quite cross
When you stand in the way of his hoss
"Begone, varlet!" he'll shout
"Lest I give thee a clout"
"And into my dungeons you toss."
Now Robin, that man with the hood
Claimed his motives were thoroughly good
Steal from rich, give to poor
(Unlike Osborne and more)
Then make merry with maids in the wood.
And as for that wicked King John
Who thought that the battle he'd won
Would earn him respect
Instead, he got decked
So the limerick game could go on
In trying to unscramble an egg
I soon spent an arm and a leg [Quen] Liked that - good finish!
My marbles got lost
My salad got tossed
And I noticed you'd emptied my keg ...
Though she knew he was called Jack the Ripper
And she'd heard what he did to young Pippa
She couldn't resist
A hazardous tryst
So thank God he got stuck in his zipper
[M, C, S and P] Nicely done, if I say so myself. Let's crack open some pre-war ginger beer!
This bottle of old ginger beer why not?
Was brewed on the banks of the Wear
In nineteen-oh-two
In a stevedore's shoe
No wonder it tastes rather queer *flees*
The worst thing to say to a Swede
Is to ask him: "Just how do you breed?"
His reply, you will see
Just between you and me
Involves ABBA and herrings. And mead!
The sunburn that glows on my neck
Will keep my libido in check
And apart from the spots
That I've got by the lots
There's the fact I'm a banking exec.
But really, the public should thank us
We are, after all, quite high rankers
And we haven't, quite yet
learned the alphabet
but we're primo at being bankers!
This first line should set us alight
Make us shiver, if we've done it right
And further additions
or even omissions
Well made, yield the greatest delight.
Rise up, all you left-handed folks!
And publish your best rated jokes
But say nothing sinister
Or I'll call your minister
And believe me, that threat is no hoax.
A monk and a rabbi ate dinner
of kerosene and of paint thinner
This combustible fare
Consumed on a dare
Made one nor the other a winner.
Nice finish, Kagje.
A day full of procrastination
May contain brief bouts of fascination
F'rinstance with clips
Of wiggly hips
Or else some discombobulation wipes brow
A chihuahua and terrier cross
Decided that he was the boss
So the dachshund got fired
The golden retired
And the rest ... ? Not one gives a toss.
There once was a cat from Andorra
Whose whiskers grew morer and morer
Till this Pyrenees mog
(Real name Quentin Hogg)
Belted her one - she got sorer
When Mitzi took umbrage, she aimed .. u s a perhaps? ..
Through her sights at the one man she blamed
His scathing reviews
Was not ment to amuse
But some other fellow got framed.
Never admit you're from Chatham
In New Hampshire, the same goes for Stratham
But if you're from Bath
Yer good for a larf
When it started to rain in Bath
Ummm, shall we finish the previous Limerick first?
Never admit you're from Chatham
In New Hampshire, the same goes for Stratham
But if you're from Bath
Yer good for a larf
Unlike Strasbourg (once Argentoratum)
When it started to rain in Bath
I outgrabe like a mome rath
But my feeling of whimsy
Was fleeting and flimsy forcing attempt denied
As I fled from the borogove path
I once lunched in Stow-on-the-Wold
My starter was greasy and cold
The main course inedible
The bill was incredible
And the walls were all covered in mold. Sorry about that not finishing last time. I guess one should not play when one is extremely tired, even if for odd reasons, one cannot sleep.
I once gave a farmer a lift [Phil] I am insulted! The Strasbourgeois are lots of fun!
He just had some garlic, and whiffed
I deployed my ejector
To a vertical vector [nights] I'm sure they are, given the quantity of beer brewed there. I was simply struggling for a rhyme :-)
Then launched into orbit quite swift…
Tomorrow the Moon will return
From its weekend out with Saturn
While the moon was away Excuses, excuses... :)
The earth did decay
So perhaps it is best to adjourn?
There's nothing as fast as a cheetah
So says my feline speed-o-meter
But if you want slow
(So slow it don't show) internal rhyme alert...
Watch lichen — a sloth record-beater.
Today, I am dyeing. It's black... (re-dying faded black clothes black)
As a glass of black mild Nutty Slack
Its minute albedo
Is just right for sado- ...that was a tricky one, Rosie.
-lin, Matching my nice Chapeau Claque.
(gil) Yeah, a bit clever-clever, but there's speedo, libido, paedo, lido, credo, Toledo.
All my clothes have been eating by moths
And my shoes have been slothing by sloths Making a feature out of the quirk of KS's line
And as for my hats
They're all nested by bats
So they think I've been haunting by Goths
We are what we eat we have heard
So I'm mostly tomatoes and curd
And I'm a nice curry
I eat in a hurry
And for me, olives are the last word
The practice of oenomancy
Is one that the Romans did fancy
By sharing a cask
An enquirer could ask
Which actions were safe and which chancy
A strapping young fellow named Clancy
When working the clubs was called Nancy
He strapped while she stripped
And flopped while he flipped
For the clients who all took his fancy
That all-soft'ning o'erpowering knell
Means you're on a journey to Hell Not you, m'dear.
Slip into the mire
To a fate that is dire
And our trip down the hill ´s going swell.
There's a gap in my force-field of love
Through which demons and succubi shove
It's a worm-hole of lust
And romance turns to dust
Which flies to the clouds up above.
This journey could go on forever
And is surely not worth the endeavor
For when we arrive
From a very long drive
There's been a change in the weather
There's a feeling - or is it just me? -
That this verse will stop dead at line three
I'm not one to doubt.







If I reincarnate as a puffin
I'll mulishly call myself Muffin
On the island of Lundy
My partner and me
Will nest-build from navels with fluff in.
We have heard that the winner takes all [T, R, R, S, B]Excellent, free drinks tonight!
But don't fret should the wealth start to gall
Cash can't bring you joy
Unless you're called Roy
But it's better than bugg*r all
[Softers] If I may be so bold - you are significantly short-syllabled and arrhythmic in both your last entries .. thought you'd sussed this game by now ;-)
Marc - The Scansion-class this Fall semester
Will be taken by the head jester [Chalks] I disagree, it does work.
The Rhymer's a clown
The jester will frown
At the way that these matters obsessed her.
Hidden textIt's a jestess.
All our efforts to set the bar higher [Softers] Hope we can agree to disagree. ;-)
have us jumping from skillet to fire
Where we are consumed (Funny Girl) You're right. I'll have a word with him next time he's over.
All pedants presumed [Chalks] Naturally :o)
Class dismissed and now also ceasefire.
Debate is a most healthy thing
At the Darby and Joan Club in Tring
It helps them stay young
And grease up their tongue
So with their friends they can swing
In Somerset, Dorset and Devon
They're always in bed by eleven
But the people of Hants
Are just putting on pants
And they won't be back home until seven
In the flat agricultural east
All cult'ral activity has ceased
The turnips are ready
So tasty but thready
Fit neither for man nor for beast
So The Ashes will grind to an end
With rain being England's best friend
And Broady and Swann
Turn their sprinklers on
As they've more than a penny to spend No takers all week? Ah well.
While spending an evening in Kettering (Chalky) We can lose with grace, but not win.
Perfecting my copperplate lettering
I blotted my book
(As the locals say,"fook!")
Putting paid to my hopes for its bettering.
My computer has not crashed today
Unusual for Windows®, they say
And although I'm pleased
I know if I sneezed
My screen would collapse and turn grey...
Good morning all poets it's time
To celebrate autumn in rhyme
Write of 'mellow' and 'fruit'
And rabbits to shoot
With apples to pick in their prime
But what do you say of the rain?
Well, it's wet and it goes down the drain
It hangs out in pools I thought 'puddles' would be too hard to rhyme. You're welcome
And obeys fluid rules
Before long it will come back again.
The rain in Spain, so they say
Mainly falls on the plain every day
But the Sierra Nevada Some very dubious climatology here.
(the one in Granada)
Is fine all year round, so "Olé!"
While enjoying a Café au Lait
I was asked, "Are you well?". I said "Très!"
Mais le cuillère est bent
Et la tasse 'as une dent - just googled le cuillère to check my schoolgirl french. Ooh la kama sutra la!
Mais le goût, je vous dis, est OK.
*applauds*
*Applauds the limerick; winces at the Franglais*
[Phil] Then I reckon we need more practice...
Aujourd 'hui, le naming de parts
comme les fruits pour le making of tarts
Will commence avec plum
Bien sur, mon ol' chum
Mais ils font tous nos dents plutôt schwartz Aha! See what I did there.
Demain machen wir ein gateau
Mor drwm â'r Tibetan Plateau (Welsh) "as heavy as the".
Ik heb een gros pain
Horror vacui my brain
Und el pastel est dans my zapato
Enough now let's get back to work
Said the dull-witted jobsworth from Chirk
Then off went th'alarm My Dad's from near Chirk.
At 5 on the farm
So he got himself up with a jerk
The jerk I got up with today
Is not worth the money I pay
He costs seventeen pence
I must have no sense
I hope he'll just go away
The mocking the trainspotter suffers
In anorak stood by the buffers
The trains passing by
See the young 'spotter cry
"What's 'Get a life!' mean, you duffers?"
Young Pablo just timed to perfection
His disdain for social rejection
He avoided a snub
But this is the rub
And we offer him full time protection.
Today I think I will shuffle
My coats - both trench and duffle [Chalky] young???
- graze the floor as I walk
And muffle my talk
And fill my big mouth with fine truffle.
Glanting rain and sprale winds are forecàst
In Zeroia the land of my past
Where spallion fields grow
Fine cronx in the snow
And my abras are blooming at last.
Her knickers were bloomy and pink
I smiled, she laughed with a wink.
And as she bent down
A fart rent her gown
And that's what's done drove me to drink
Campari, Pernod, Gin and Whisky
All in a pint glass rather risky
Add a few whites of eggs
To stiffen the dregs
Scoff it down, and feel rather frisky
Your challenge this Tuesday is thus:
Take a flock of wild geese on the bus.
When you reach Euston Square
Disembark with a pair
As the others quack "What about us?" bugger me, talking geese.
The students in British Lit
Should study the format a bit! K-S - you're a syllable short, m'dear!!
The syntax and grammar
Cause newbies to stammer
Plus most think that Shakespeare is shit.
There once was a Viking called Jeff
Who chiselled the first letter F
When faced with the second
Distraction soon beckoned
And instead of Jeff, he was Jef.
Hidden textHey, Edward Lear always used the same ending word for the first and last lines of his limericks.
An orthodox rabbi called Skuld
Discovered his cocoa had cooled
He said to Verðandi
Your blowtorch comes handy
But it's strange that it is bejeweled.
Your challenge this Tuesday is this:
To be pleasant to your little sis
But as for your brother
Your father and mother,
Just carry on taking the piss.
There once was a man from the States
Named Billy - but he had No Mates
Except for Tim Nice
And Leontyne Price
Which kind of restricted his dates
A tale of forbidden papayas It was the idea of a restricted date that got me thinking on these lines
And lovers in heat on the playas
Gave way to the sun
Which ruined the fun
This UV is just sent to try us.
Your challenge this Tuesday is risky
To make it to lunch without whisky
And restrain your desires
To start small office fires
And entice the young temps to be frisky.
On Wednesday the sun will go nova
We'll be done to a crisp; it's Game Over
So let's party all week
Give our fun cells a tweak
And spend the final few moments in clover
My teeth are all falling apart They are.
They're going to hell in a cart
So chewing's a chore
And biting's a bore
It sucks being such an old fart
Being a New-comer, I am always seeking online for articles that could assist me. Many thanks! %KW% Elizabeth http://adw7.ru/user/izlxybtidbt/
Marc - There once was a most thankful Russian
Whose life was once saved by a Prussian
But along came a Spaniard
In a style most maññered
And Olé! El Ruso was blushin'.
Sir Cornelis Maartenszoon Tromp
Was the first to cross Zuiderzee Swamp
But his dugout canoe
Sprang a leak, maybe two
But he got there and arrived in some pomp. well, with a name like that....
I've discovered a whizzo new game
I just need to think up a name
There's only one rule:
You must play like a fool,
And never make two moves the same.
I suggest that we start with this line,
"There was an old man of Loch Fyne"
And then for the second,
A rhyme which is reckoned
Would be absolutely divine!
The Doctor's re-written the past
And Who else but he could recast
But the Great Originator
Or the grim terminator
(We're desperate to make this series last)
There once was a cool desperado
Who claimed t'have written The Mikado
On the opening night [Rosie] I'd have put the "'t" next to Mikado
He just started to fight
With a G & S afficionado
(Kim) I had no particular reason to imply boreality. Isn't this sound really just a glottal stop attached t'' previous word? You can't really alter title o'' work. There ought to be a symbol for it.
Christmas is upon us
'Oh no it's not!' we shout Oh no it's not.
oh poop. I've glow-wormed rather than limericked. Ignore my post.
"'Tis! 'tis!" responds the chorus It was glow-wormed from the start

Software - Now Christmas is soon upon us
Penelope - 'Oh no it is not!' what's the fuss
Raak - "'Tis! 'tis!" all in chorus
Santa - My brains may be porous
Moniker - I refuse these five lines to discuss.
Or:
Christmas is upon us
"Oh no it's not!" we shout
"'Tis! 'tis!" responds the chorus
So that all came to nowt
There once was a Limerick class,
For the bad rhyme and rhythm dumbass
When it came to the test
They duly confessed
'Twas unlikely their scansion would pass
Inspired by the moon, as I am
To snort and to rut like a ram
On this cloudy night
I gave Boris a fright
And stole his tart filled with yam.
Hidden textNot a great line but...
Today is the day when it's done
I've dared be tattooed with a pun
This indelible mark
Is a jolly good lark
And a tribute to my only sun
Jacob the Third from Dunlevy
Drove round the block in his Chevvy
His miles-per-gallon
Hidden textBroke this small poem

Hidden textAnd now it just won't rhyme at all 8o)

Impressed Jimmy Fallon
But the rhymes that he chose were not clevvy Dunlevy? Chevy? Purlease!!! *repeats rant about poor rhyming and scansion from MCiOS*
[pen] It's enough to make one go out on a bevvy.
(Raak) I need little persuasion.
There's a man outside with a beard
And a cap with three bobbles so weird
He says he's from Spain
And arrived on the train
And he'll stay till the weather has cleared.
[pen]
Hidden text"But were poor 'cos the car was so heavy" was ringing in my ears when I wrote the American talk-show host into the rhyme.
My brother is sporting a hat
In which he just looks a twat (Phil) I'm sure he's not.
Hidden textHe's not, but he does look one in the hat. I saw a photo on facebook this morning, and that was precisely the 2nd line I had in mind
With his knob-ended cane
And arched eyebrow so vain
He looks smart but is still the same brat.
My cuckoo clock seem to be hatching
A plot for a plague that's so catching
The mould in its thatch
Is almost a match
For the lepidote nose you've been scratching.
[Chalky] Thank you for the new word I have learned today.
The lexicographical treasures
Onomatopoetical pleasures
Neological joys
Of semantical toys
To be found in thrasonical measures.
Let us dabble and stolch in the wood
And not do the things that we should
Let us shout, run and laugh
With the riff and the raff
Rob the poor - let's get rich, understood...?
I wonder who's kissing her now?
Probably death - poor cow.
And also who's teaching her how
To make our rhyme scheme more lowbrow
There once was a withered old rose
Whose weak mind was set writing prose
And the non-scanning lines
Gave no points only fines
And the reason for this no one knows…
I still wonder but will never know
Just where did my other sock go?
It's gone - it's a myst'ry
That stocking is hist'ry oblig.
I'll wear odd'uns - d'yer think it'll show?
There's just enough time left I think
'Fore the cosmic heat-death, for a drink
A cocktail perhaps?
Or a sherry? Or schnapps?
Or maybe champagne that is pink?
"I am not one of those" - said miss Lola
"Who drinks all that much Coca-Cola"
"I much prefer Sprite"
she said, "though I might
give a miss to that batch marked 'Ebola'"
Hidden textClapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
(Projoy) Too late; it's gone viral.
What Stevie said. I spent half an hour last night trying to thing of a 5th line. Perfect!
I really must try having sex
With a new miss - I don't miss my ex
Come and take me tonight?
While my bloke's out of sight?
Sorry, I'm rat-arsed on Becks.
The inmate in cell number six
Has some rather strange facial tics
His lack of straight face
Ensures him a place
With many famed physical comics.
Really?
I play bass guitar in a band
And I'm using both left and right hand
Which one does what
Is not easy to spot
I'm the fastest jazzman in the land!
[Phil] I also play bass in a band.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvkZSm68JLE&feature=youtu.be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOLmX3PBHS0
[Kim] I don't. I don't even play bass, but I do have a valid poetic licence :-)
One day I was drunk and I sang
But the words got mixed up with slang
I cursed and I swore
And I said, "Ruddigore!"
And what is much worse, cried "Fertang!!!!!"
Three dogs, a goat, and a bird
In a curry; we are not inured
Let's all dine elsewhere
On a hamster eclair
That's preferably shaven - not furred.
If we are what we eat I'm an ox
That has lived in a small cardboard box
Been steeped well in beer
And thus of good cheer
While I am a bagel and lox
I'm sorry, I can't hold your coat
I'm trying to de-worm the goat
If you hold it for me
Making sure it won't pee
I can shove the pill right down its throat "I'll see what I can do, Mr 'erriot"
Today there is wind, rain and flood
And tomorrow brings storm, hail and mud
The day after, thick snow
With a strong Arctic blow It ain't gonna happen, folks.
The year (well, thus far) is a dud
It pains me to point out the truth
But you're getting quite long in the tooth
If I might be so bold
You're quite startlingly old
But no longer the once-uncouth youth. forsooth
I won't tell you a secret I know
Instead, watch this pantomime show
The clue's in the name
Of the bellowing dame
But the answer lies deep down below
A logician, a priest, and a Scot
Was the Reverend Hamish McStott
A writer and thinker
And moderate drinker
Yet best known for his huge you-know-what
Now what is this thing that's so big?
Because bragging is so infra dig
An item of dress?
Or a way to impress?
No, an enormous big flying pig
I exist on a diet of fruit
Which I store in a Wellington boot
The sludge in the toe
I gobble like a sow
Whilst grunting chacun à son goût
I'm really enjoying this pie
Though it has left me wondering why
The ingredients list
Was so widely dissed
What's wrong with dried tadpoles and larvae of flesh fly? (a big and nourishing pie it was...)
When apples and cherries we mix
Something we do just for kicks
We make lemonade
To sip in the shade
And whittle ourselves cocktail sticks A bit lacklustre. Eyes'n'teeth next time, guys'n'gals, eyes'n'teeth!
It's an actor's poor life that I lead
I can barely afford smoking weed
While learning the Bard
Is not all that hard
It would help if I first learnt to read
I've told you a number of times
That I'll never be caught for my crimes
I'm so cunning and smart
That they call me a tart
Moi? I'm the Macavity of Mimes For when a crime's discovered then Macavity's not there!
My mother is losing her mind
Because of a contract she signed
In which she agreed (Pooh) Does that include your own crimes of scansion?
To always wear tweed
And a necklace of smoked bacon rind
We shall soon start the season of Lent
When the rules of abstention are bent
To make us believe
It is now time to heave
BMI by some fifty percent... http://www.seriouseats.com/2011/01/culinary-ambassadors-swedish-semla-fastlagsbulle-pastry-bun-lent-shrove-tuesday.html
Still my Body Mass Index is low
My ribcage is always on show
My skinny white arms
Are the least of my charms
Whilst the best may be felt down below
The means by which pussycats purr
Are shrouded in mys'try and fur
Have they motors inside?
Or a resonant hide?
Do they blend a buzz with a whirr?
I've a large pot of organic glue
That's made from the hooves of zebras and gnu
‘Endangered’, you say ?
I've seen herds in Calais
Where there's lions and elephants too
I've a question for someone who knows
About pobbles and their lack of toes:
Are they toeless all day?
Does it hinder their play?
At darts, do they get extra goes?
[P,P,N,R] delightful stuff :)
It's true what they say about poker
That they play with a pack with no Joker
That your face must be blank
Like a true mountebank
Lose a mill? Oh, that's just mediocre.
If you play at pontoon or roulette
Make sure that you use your lorgnette
To distinguish between
The black, red and green
And to ensure that you place the right bet
The Ides of March did for Caesar
As noted by some Stratford geezer
It turned out his mate
Finished forth his sad fate (et tu, Brute?)
With a staged and dramatic crowd-pleaser
While oop in the north, sat Macbeth
Ignoring the portents of death
When Birnam Wood came
He was right in the frame
In the long run though gave up his breath...
It is springtime - or so I was told,
So why is my sun lounge so cold ?
The air from Siberia
Makes the temp so inferior
Now fetch me a servant to scold!
My lawn's taken over by moss
But really, I don't give a toss
Roll on the next drought
When the sun is about
'cause tonight we will play the lacrosse...
There are the rules how to pick up a girl
There are rules how to pick up a girl
Keep back straight, bend at knees, never curl
When she's hoisted on board
Don't lean backward or for'ard
And present with Les Pêcheurs De Perles
But beware if you pick up a man
In a dress, thigh-high boots, and a tan
For that thong will conceal
That his balls made of steel
Are prosthetic and his real name is Anne.
Transvestism is such a drag
That seldom of it do folk brag
They prefer to disguise
Then show up with surprise
When you push them down off of a crag!
Once again we are fooled by the spring
And the thought of the joys it will bring
Ooh, I dunno

It's a fact I don't know
'cause they've stepped on my toe
And I think a lament I will sing.
I think we have heard it before
And we'll hear it again, I am sure
It is on the "tee-vee"
In the tabloids, I see
And followed on You Tube what's more
It's April the First, take great care
For Lurkers and snipers beware
And old men in coats
Selling tuppenny groats
Who, furthermore, really aren't there.
There once was a farmer who said:
"By golly, I'd come out ahead
if I planted my corn
at the first glimpse of dawn
Instead of just lying in bed." oblig.
There's a terrible price to be paid
For allowing the curtains to fade
For your neighbours will see
All your efforts to pee
Into cans marked "Homemade Lemonade"
Tomorrow's the day before Sunday
And in turn, that's the day before Monday oblig.[C, p, S, R, T] I larfed out loud.
It is, so to speak
The end of the week
Which means that today is today??
Let's hope that it is not too late
To find someone to go on a date
'Though with whom they'll go
It is best they don't know
Because Ringwraiths have just sealed their fate.
While dancing an Argentine tango
With the chair of my favorite quango
I feigned mild surprise
When offered third prize
In the World Championship of fandango...
I'm dancing far better than singing
For the music's so loud my head's ringing
With my clogs flying high
And a slap on the thigh
My suspenders buttons are pinging
As I waltzed with a gorgeous young filly
Who had won more than twelve Prix Caprilli
Her hooves got entangled
(They were polished and spangled)
And the judges' mien turned quite chilly.
I'm in need of a half-pint of tea
Milk and five sugars for me
With my pinky outstretched
In a posture far-fetched
I'm an upper-class builder, you see
I am sure Easter Bunnies lay eggs
I am sure that the French eat frog's legs
But grenouilles à la Pâques
Mixed with various tabacs
Is surely against EU regs.
This Friday is s'posed to be good
'Though why, I have ne'er understood
Getting nailed to a tree
Is not my cup of tea
And He would agree, if he could. Matthew 26:39
Palm Sunday, it came and it went
And I on tequila was bent
This was not a good way
On that most Holy Day
To do what you can't during Lent.
For breakfast there's chocolate egg
Then a cute Easter lamb's roasted leg
For tea chocolate bunny
(Bought with your chocolate money !)
And as 'nightcap' a chocolate beer keg...
We don't have resources for that
When brayed by an aristocrat
Sounds more than just mean
In fact quite obscene
And confirms that the speaker's a prat.
My airship has sprung a small leak
It hisses away as I speak
And we're losing our height I thought it best not to use 'altitude'
Shed weight as we might
'Tis probably best to say 'Eek'
My bungee just needs a small tweak
To cancel its nerve-shredding shriek
When I leap into space
All my fears I efface
But there might be a small "trouser leak"
To Ypres we journey next week
Me grandad's gold watch we shall seek
He was killed by a bomb
(Though he died with aplomb)
Whilst winning a game of bezique
There might be just time for one more
Ere we stagger toward the pub door
Which just won't keep still
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