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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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That has lived in a small cardboard box
Been steeped well in beer
And thus of good cheer
While I am a bagel and lox
I'm sorry, I can't hold your coat
I'm trying to de-worm the goat
If you hold it for me
Making sure it won't pee
I can shove the pill right down its throat "I'll see what I can do, Mr 'erriot"
Today there is wind, rain and flood
And tomorrow brings storm, hail and mud
The day after, thick snow
With a strong Arctic blow It ain't gonna happen, folks.
The year (well, thus far) is a dud
It pains me to point out the truth
But you're getting quite long in the tooth
If I might be so bold
You're quite startlingly old
But no longer the once-uncouth youth. forsooth
I won't tell you a secret I know
Instead, watch this pantomime show
The clue's in the name
Of the bellowing dame
But the answer lies deep down below
A logician, a priest, and a Scot
Was the Reverend Hamish McStott
A writer and thinker
And moderate drinker
Yet best known for his huge you-know-what
Now what is this thing that's so big?
Because bragging is so infra dig
An item of dress?
Or a way to impress?
No, an enormous big flying pig
I exist on a diet of fruit
Which I store in a Wellington boot
The sludge in the toe
I gobble like a sow
Whilst grunting chacun à son goût
I'm really enjoying this pie
Though it has left me wondering why
The ingredients list
Was so widely dissed
What's wrong with dried tadpoles and larvae of flesh fly? (a big and nourishing pie it was...)
When apples and cherries we mix
Something we do just for kicks
We make lemonade
To sip in the shade
And whittle ourselves cocktail sticks A bit lacklustre. Eyes'n'teeth next time, guys'n'gals, eyes'n'teeth!
It's an actor's poor life that I lead
I can barely afford smoking weed
While learning the Bard
Is not all that hard
It would help if I first learnt to read
I've told you a number of times
That I'll never be caught for my crimes
I'm so cunning and smart
That they call me a tart
Moi? I'm the Macavity of Mimes For when a crime's discovered then Macavity's not there!
My mother is losing her mind
Because of a contract she signed
In which she agreed (Pooh) Does that include your own crimes of scansion?
To always wear tweed
And a necklace of smoked bacon rind
We shall soon start the season of Lent
When the rules of abstention are bent
To make us believe
It is now time to heave
BMI by some fifty percent... http://www.seriouseats.com/2011/01/culinary-ambassadors-swedish-semla-fastlagsbulle-pastry-bun-lent-shrove-tuesday.html
Still my Body Mass Index is low
My ribcage is always on show
My skinny white arms
Are the least of my charms
Whilst the best may be felt down below
The means by which pussycats purr
Are shrouded in mys'try and fur
Have they motors inside?
Or a resonant hide?
Do they blend a buzz with a whirr?
I've a large pot of organic glue
That's made from the hooves of zebras and gnu
‘Endangered’, you say ?
I've seen herds in Calais
Where there's lions and elephants too
I've a question for someone who knows
About pobbles and their lack of toes:
Are they toeless all day?
Does it hinder their play?
At darts, do they get extra goes?
[P,P,N,R] delightful stuff :)
It's true what they say about poker
That they play with a pack with no Joker
That your face must be blank
Like a true mountebank
Lose a mill? Oh, that's just mediocre.
If you play at pontoon or roulette
Make sure that you use your lorgnette
To distinguish between
The black, red and green
And to ensure that you place the right bet
The Ides of March did for Caesar
As noted by some Stratford geezer
It turned out his mate
Finished forth his sad fate (et tu, Brute?)
With a staged and dramatic crowd-pleaser
While oop in the north, sat Macbeth
Ignoring the portents of death
When Birnam Wood came
He was right in the frame
In the long run though gave up his breath...
It is springtime - or so I was told,
So why is my sun lounge so cold ?
The air from Siberia
Makes the temp so inferior
Now fetch me a servant to scold!
My lawn's taken over by moss
But really, I don't give a toss
Roll on the next drought
When the sun is about
'cause tonight we will play the lacrosse...
There are the rules how to pick up a girl
There are rules how to pick up a girl
Keep back straight, bend at knees, never curl
When she's hoisted on board
Don't lean backward or for'ard
And present with Les Pêcheurs De Perles
But beware if you pick up a man
In a dress, thigh-high boots, and a tan
For that thong will conceal
That his balls made of steel
Are prosthetic and his real name is Anne.
Transvestism is such a drag
That seldom of it do folk brag
They prefer to disguise
Then show up with surprise
When you push them down off of a crag!
Once again we are fooled by the spring
And the thought of the joys it will bring
Ooh, I dunno

It's a fact I don't know
'cause they've stepped on my toe
And I think a lament I will sing.
I think we have heard it before
And we'll hear it again, I am sure
It is on the "tee-vee"
In the tabloids, I see
And followed on You Tube what's more
It's April the First, take great care
For Lurkers and snipers beware
And old men in coats
Selling tuppenny groats
Who, furthermore, really aren't there.
There once was a farmer who said:
"By golly, I'd come out ahead
if I planted my corn
at the first glimpse of dawn
Instead of just lying in bed." oblig.
There's a terrible price to be paid
For allowing the curtains to fade
For your neighbours will see
All your efforts to pee
Into cans marked "Homemade Lemonade"
Tomorrow's the day before Sunday
And in turn, that's the day before Monday oblig.[C, p, S, R, T] I larfed out loud.
It is, so to speak
The end of the week
Which means that today is today??
Let's hope that it is not too late
To find someone to go on a date
'Though with whom they'll go
It is best they don't know
Because Ringwraiths have just sealed their fate.
While dancing an Argentine tango
With the chair of my favorite quango
I feigned mild surprise
When offered third prize
In the World Championship of fandango...
I'm dancing far better than singing
For the music's so loud my head's ringing
With my clogs flying high
And a slap on the thigh
My suspenders buttons are pinging
As I waltzed with a gorgeous young filly
Who had won more than twelve Prix Caprilli
Her hooves got entangled
(They were polished and spangled)
And the judges' mien turned quite chilly.
I'm in need of a half-pint of tea
Milk and five sugars for me
With my pinky outstretched
In a posture far-fetched
I'm an upper-class builder, you see
I am sure Easter Bunnies lay eggs
I am sure that the French eat frog's legs
But grenouilles à la Pâques
Mixed with various tabacs
Is surely against EU regs.
This Friday is s'posed to be good
'Though why, I have ne'er understood
Getting nailed to a tree
Is not my cup of tea
And He would agree, if he could. Matthew 26:39
Palm Sunday, it came and it went
And I on tequila was bent
This was not a good way
On that most Holy Day
To do what you can't during Lent.
For breakfast there's chocolate egg
Then a cute Easter lamb's roasted leg
For tea chocolate bunny
(Bought with your chocolate money !)
And as 'nightcap' a chocolate beer keg...
We don't have resources for that
When brayed by an aristocrat
Sounds more than just mean
In fact quite obscene
And confirms that the speaker's a prat.
My airship has sprung a small leak
It hisses away as I speak
And we're losing our height I thought it best not to use 'altitude'
Shed weight as we might
'Tis probably best to say 'Eek'
My bungee just needs a small tweak
To cancel its nerve-shredding shriek
When I leap into space
All my fears I efface
But there might be a small "trouser leak"
To Ypres we journey next week
Me grandad's gold watch we shall seek
He was killed by a bomb
(Though he died with aplomb)
Whilst winning a game of bezique
There might be just time for one more
Ere we stagger toward the pub door
Which just won't keep still
And the floor lean uphill
And my balance do sheem rather poor
Oh, show me the way to go home
It's quite near the Milleneum Dome
Where gentrification
Improved the location
And you'll not see one garden gnome.
I showed my heart to the doctor   Notes: 1. (c) L. Cohen; 2. Stressed on "I", "heart", and "doc". 3. Not the easiest rhyme, but plenty of possibilities.
But my advances seemed to have shocked her
My wild EKG
And advanced Housemaid's Knee
Meant my chances were slim to verkakte
So I chose a complete transplantation
But the doc heard me say "a castration."
I've a great sense of loss
But I don't give a toss
Let alone an insemination.
Here I stand with my new bits and pieces
Two curbs and some liquefied fæces
The doc says I'll be better
With bowels that are wetter
Though my waistline constantly increases...
When pond'ring a change of one's gender
And update to parts oh so tender
Make sure that you choose
To gain, not to lose
All the bits that will scream "I'm a bender!"
If gard'ning were truly a joy
It would not make my back scream out "Oi!"
And the bloody great weeds
Which nobody needs
Would leave here and plague οἱ πολλοὶ.
αι'β ντισαιντεντ του τιτχ μαισελφ Γρεικ
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