mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

In Eden the apples are ripe

And of aphrodisiac type

So I baked a nice pie

For my hubby to try

But the proof of the pudding is hype

'Hail fellow! Well met!' said the pastor

(Of true bonhomie he's the master)

With a wink and a grin

He absolved me of sin

Confession just got somewhat faster!

On the first day of Februar-ee

Thirty eight things my love gave to me: [C,R,S,p,P] Nice.

One was a jewel

Botherer

And one was a tool

Which he inserted delicat-lee.

American football's confusing

Or possibly downright bemusing

Most don't touch the ball

Though players are tall

Superb owls are much more amusing

She is wise as an owl I've been told

Her knowledge is quite manifold

On the subject of voles

She impresses the proles

Though that's hardly one of her goals.

When Richard the third called for 'horse' something topical for a change

'Twas past time to bargain, of course

You can't use a nation

For experimentation

Though many do so, and by force.

I'd like to replace "experimentation" with "negotiation" in that last limerick. :-)

They're preparing for this year's Grand Prix

We'll be fighting on land and at sea

From Le Mans to Dubai

Yeongam and Shanghai

And what's left of the old Aral Sea.

Oscar, my dear, your red rug

Is home to many a bug

Tho' to you it is cosy

It's hellish for Rosie

Who itches and cannot get snug.

The slanderous comments above

And the full implications thereof

Are herewith rescinded

In manner long-winded

Devoted to brother and sisterly love...!

The Conclave's elected Pope Mary,

Who plans to be Jesus's fairy

A pontiff with wings

Who can do magic things

But the giveaway is - she's so hairy

Bugger - insert quotation marks around "she's" if you would

The puff of white smoke tells us all

That the popemobile's just hit the wall

But look out, now it's black! (...the smoke of course...)

Is Benedict back?

Or a reincarnated John-Paul?

:

When tales are retold you will know

That the heroes of long, long ago

Committed great deeds

While riding their steeds

Yelling "Woe-Hi-Di-Hi-Hi-Di-Hoe!"

In the Alps they are yod'ling a lot,

While their cheese gently boils in the pot

Such stereotyping

And Franco-Swiss griping

Is likely to get someone shot

Italians, in gen'ral, are charming

Their generals, though, are alarming

Their finances are scary

Signoras faces so hairy

Which is why generals find them disarming

But the Greeks are, truth to tell,

Descendants of heaven and hell .. a tad short on footage Pablo but think we can make it work ...

Just now it's the latter (Chalks) 'E fough' itza peon-unny recipe, dinny?

Though only a matter

That Cyprus will go down as well

A Monegasque makes a fine friend

With big pots of money to lend

He dresses in green

And bows to the queen

So you'll see where it's all going to end!

Are you ready to start your new life?

As side-kick to old Mack the Knife

But as opera's go

This threepenny show

Is more suited for somebody's wife.

Sorry, for got the line break!

I chanced upon Lady Godiva

Who said; "If you'll give me a fiver,

I'll cut off my hair

Knobbly

But I hope you're aware

on a horse, I'm not such a good driver.

At luncheon with old Friar Tuck

We dined on a stew of braised duck

We saved the skimmed fat

To give to the cat

And using the catflap, she stuck!

Thenceforth to Maid Marian's for tea [last line .. worth the wait. Nice one SM]

A generous hostess is she

A Battenburg cake

(The marzipan's fake!)

Goes well with a glass of Chablis

In the pub with my friend Little John

I thought 'What the hell's going on?'

For he'd got out his staff

And then just for a laugh

He poked it up my sit-upon.

Lovely!

Will Scarlett's a rum sort of fellow [PPNcR] Heehehehehehe

"Come chase me!", he's oft-heard to bellow.

Then he shins up a tree

And cries, "Come, follow me!"

But sadly they're all far too yellow

At the wedding of Alan-a-Dale

The couple wore matching chain mail

Her chastity belt
Could hardly be felt
And his, back-to-front, had a tail.I can hardly believe I wrote that. Inexcusable

[pen] I can. Excusable. Funny

The green-fingered Sherriff of Nottingham

Grew cannabis plants, and was potting 'em [pen] Digusting! I hardly know where to put myself. Somewhat like Alan-a-Dale, it seems!

When in burst the cops

And said "Are these hops?"

He said "Yes, well done for spotting 'em." (Ladies) Can't have too much femfilth.

Sir Guy of Gisbourne gets quite cross

When you stand in the way of his hoss

"Begone, varlet!" he'll shout

"Lest I give thee a clout"

"And into my dungeons you toss."

Now Robin, that man with the hood

Claimed his motives were thoroughly good

Steal from rich, give to poor

(Unlike Osborne and more)

Then make merry with maids in the wood.

And as for that wicked King John

Who thought that the battle he'd won

Would earn him respect

Instead, he got decked

So the limerick game could go on

In trying to unscramble an egg

I soon spent an arm and a leg [Quen] Liked that - good finish!

My marbles got lost

My salad got tossed

And I noticed you'd emptied my keg ...

Though she knew he was called Jack the Ripper

And she'd heard what he did to young Pippa

She couldn't resist

A hazardous tryst

So thank God he got stuck in his zipper

[M, C, S and P] Nicely done, if I say so myself. Let's crack open some pre-war ginger beer!

This bottle of old ginger beer why not?

Was brewed on the banks of the Wear

In nineteen-oh-two

In a stevedore's shoe
No wonder it tastes rather queer *flees*

The worst thing to say to a Swede

Is to ask him: "Just how do you breed?"

His reply, you will see

Just between you and me

Involves ABBA and herrings. And mead!

The sunburn that glows on my neck

Will keep my libido in check

And apart from the spots

That I've got by the lots

There's the fact I'm a banking exec.

But really, the public should thank us

We are, after all, quite high rankers

And we haven't, quite yet

learned the alphabet

but we're primo at being bankers!

This first line should set us alight

Make us shiver, if we've done it right

And further additions

or even omissions

Well made, yield the greatest delight.

Rise up, all you left-handed folks!

And publish your best rated jokes

But say nothing sinister

Or I'll call your minister

And believe me, that threat is no hoax.

A monk and a rabbi ate dinner

of kerosene and of paint thinner

This combustible fare

Consumed on a dare

Made one nor the other a winner.

Nice finish, Kagje.
A day full of procrastination

Tuj

May contain brief bouts of fascination

F'rinstance with clips

Of wiggly hips

Or else some discombobulation wipes brow

A chihuahua and terrier cross

Decided that he was the boss

So the dachshund got fired

The golden retired

And the rest ... ? Not one gives a toss.

There once was a cat from Andorra

Whose whiskers grew morer and morer

Till this Pyrenees mog

(Real name Quentin Hogg)

Belted her one - she got sorer

When Mitzi took umbrage, she aimed .. u s a perhaps? ..

Through her sights at the one man she blamed

His scathing reviews

Was not ment to amuse

But some other fellow got framed.

Never admit you're from Chatham

In New Hampshire, the same goes for Stratham

But if you're from Bath

Yer good for a larf

When it started to rain in Bath

Ummm, shall we finish the previous Limerick first?
Never admit you're from Chatham
In New Hampshire, the same goes for Stratham
But if you're from Bath
Yer good for a larf
Unlike Strasbourg (once Argentoratum)

When it started to rain in Bath

I outgrabe like a mome rath

Tuj

But my feeling of whimsy

Was fleeting and flimsy forcing attempt denied

irach

As I fled from the borogove path

I once lunched in Stow-on-the-Wold

My starter was greasy and cold

The main course inedible

The bill was incredible

And the walls were all covered in mold. Sorry about that not finishing last time. I guess one should not play when one is extremely tired, even if for odd reasons, one cannot sleep.

nights

I once gave a farmer a lift [Phil] I am insulted! The Strasbourgeois are lots of fun!

He just had some garlic, and whiffed

I deployed my ejector

To a vertical vector [nights] I'm sure they are, given the quantity of beer brewed there. I was simply struggling for a rhyme :-)

Then launched into orbit quite swift…